I Am What I Am!

Mummy Beadzoid has tagged me and asked me to ‘Fill in the Blanks’ and explain a little about who I am.

So here goes …

I am a worrier.  I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember.  And the thing that I worry about most is what other people think about me.  Pathetic, I know.  I worry about what people think about what I wear, what I do and how I do things.  I worry about what kind of teacher I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of blogger I am!  I let these worries impact on what I do.  It leads to a lot of loneliness actually and to an inability to really be myself in front of others.  Very few people know the real me, I do not let people close.  A fear of ridicule, a fear of rejection.  I can come across as rude to some people, I know, but it is not rudeness, it is shyness.  People find this hard to believe as I am confident on a stage or when teaching a group of children but among a group of my peers this confidence leaves me.  Deserts me and lets me down.  This worry is quite a handicap for me.  It leads to irrational thinking and over reactions to silly situations.  Sometimes it is like an out of body experience as I emotionally react to a situation I am telling myself to stop.  But I can’t! This worry causes me stress but I cannot stop it.  I should be able to but I can’t.  I am a worrier and it is something about myself that I hate.

The bravest thing I have ever done is have abdominal surgery whilst 26 weeks pregnant with my twins.  Although this is not something that I chose to do, I had no choice, I have never been so scared in all my life.  David and I had tried for so long to get pregnant, we had come so far in this twin pregnancy and we were about to lose everything because of me, because of my body.  I was letting him down.  I was letting his parents down, my parents.  I was letting down our children, before they had even been born.  From being admitted to hospital to being cut open took 3 days.  3 days of tests and assessments, pain killers, blood, vomit and terror.  David was far braver than me, he did not know if any of us were going to survive, no one seemed to know what was wrong or what should be done.  I told him that if it was a choice between me and the babies then I wanted to be the one to die.  It was awful but worse for David as my recollection of those days is blurred and I know for him the memories are still very clear.  After the operation I was in hospital for 7 days recovering.  I was heavily pregnant.  My bump had been cut from top to bottom to allow the surgeon to save my twisted bowel without disturbing the babies.  I could not eat, I was on oxygen.  David had to help me in a way a husband should never have to help his wife, let alone fiance to fiancee.  I was so swollen with water retention I could barely sit, stand or walk.  I had to fight on to get fit and well for the babies.  When I was discharged on the 21st July I did not expect to go to hospital again until October but in spite of my best efforts and those of all the doctors the babies were born on the 24th July 2010 at 27 weeks plus 3.  I am so sorry babies that I was not able to keep you safe inside me for longer x I will always feel sad about that.

I feel prettiest when I forget to worry about what other people think. 

Something that keeps me awake at night is my son, William.  Bless him. Born at 27 weeks, now 7 months, there is nothing my little man likes more than Mummy’s milk.  Every 2 – 3 hours right around the clock.  I always complain about this but actually I love feeding him and will miss it so much when this special time is gone.  But it does mean a severe and prolonged lack of sleep. 

My favourite meal is fajitas.  David and I started eating fajitas regulalrly when we started IVF as a good way of eating lots of vegetables.  When I make fajitas they are filled to bursting with veg – peppers, onions, mushrooms, chillies, tomatoes, spinach.  We have lots of different varieties of mushroom and they are really filling and flavoursome.  We started IVF in January 2009 and we still eat fajitas at least once a week even now.  Yum – Yum!

The way to my heart is to surprise me.  Tell me something nice, make me laugh, write me a story, cook me a meal.  Be thoughtful and kind and spontaneous.  Treat me in some way, make me smile.  Show that you have been thinking about me enough to plan a surprise no matter how small.  Do this and my heart will be yours x

I would like to be thinner.  Since starting IVF and being pregnant I have gained over a stone in weight.  It is coming off slowly but I still have a way to go before our wedding in September.  I am struggling to lose weight and tone my stomach because of the scars from surgery.  I will keep working at it and hope that by September I will be somewhere near to where I used to be in tone and weight.  If not, well, I have two beautiful babies to show for it, and at the end of the day, I am alive.

This is me, I am what I am.

Thank you Mummy Beadzoid for the questions x

June is Bustin' Out All Over – updated

This weekend Life in a Pink Fibro has asked us to think back to June 2010 for the Weekend Rewind.

My blog was not even concieved last June.  I was 5 months pregnant and thought I had 4 months of my pregnancy still to go.  In reality the birth of Esther and William was just a few short weeks away.

HYTHE JUNE 2010

 Here I am, bustin’ out all over, with my lovely twin bump!

To help jog my memory about June 2010 here is my month in Facebook Statuses!

June 1 – Jennie is having a lovely half term catching up with family and friends.

June 1 – Jennie has had a lovely day in the sun with Mary, Clare and Rohan.

June 3 – Jennie thinks she should have planned to do something this morning rather than just sitting and waiting for her scan!!

June 4 – Jennie is happy and relieved after seeing two active, healthy babies on screen today. And only two weeks to wait til next scan!

June 4 – after a day learning BSL is now getting on with the baby budget!!! So exciting!

June 5 – Jennie begins her last two weeks at school for the forseeable future!!!

June 7 – Jennie has decided to stay at school one more week! Now finish 25th June all being well!

June 9 – Jennie got a bit emotional in Mothercare today and bought the twins some teeny tiny newborn socks! So cute!!!

June 11 – Jennie got a bit emotional in Mothercare yesterday and bought the twins some teeny tiny newborn socks! So cute!!! Now she is sorting all the contents of her hospital bag!! Just in case!

June 12 – Jennie is tired and the day has not even really begun!

June 14 – Jennie is looking forward to some retail therapy on Thursday.

June 14 – Jennie has no more work til Monday!

June 15 – Jennie is finding choosing a name for our girl twin sooooooooooooooooooo hard!

June 18 – Jennie decided to scale back rather than leave altogether!

June 23 – Jennie really wants to make a start on cleaning and sorting her house but after school and home tutoring just feels too tired! Roll on 9th July when I will be finished school and can spend my days getting ready!!!

June 23 – Jennie and David have exciting plans for their house!!!!

June 24 – is looking forward to introducing Maia to Rohan!

June 26 – Jennie is listening to 90s Indie classics and sorting through baby clothes!!!

June 27 – Jennie and David have been to the sea!!

June 27 – Jennie would like some advice on what to do about her fat, pregnant, painful swollen ankles and feet!!!! Ow!!!

June 28 – Jennie is home from 24 week scan and all is well. Hooray

This all seems like such a long time ago.  I had a job and went shopping!  The twins were so longed for and now they are here!!! 7 months old when they should really only be 4. And they are doing so well.  Growing bigger and stronger every day.

Thank You William Harvey! You Saved Our Lives!

2nd January 2010

Name someone who deserves more credit than they get. And for bonus points, how to change things so they get more

This is an easy one!  The staff at William Harvey Hospital in Ashford, Kent.  Particularly a midwife named Fiona and the whole NICU/SCBU team, each and everyone of them provide care above and beyond their call of duty.  And I thank them all from the bottom of my heart.

On the 10th July 2010 I was rushed into the William Harvey Hospital.  I was almost 26 weeks pregnant and feared the worst.  I was losing my babies.  We were taken straight to the Labour Ward where it was discovered very quickly that actually the babies were fine, the problem was with me.  I was given steroid injections to mature the babies’ lungs just in case I did go into labour, but that wasn’t to be.  Not yet.  It took 2 days of agonising pain and absolute fear for my fiance before I was operated on for a twisted bowel.  Before this stage he was sure that we were going to lose the babies and there were times when we thought that I might die.  I wanted to die rather than have anything happen to our babies.

The surgeon miraculously cut me from just below my chest bone to just below my belly button without disturbing the twins.  It took me 10 long days in hospital  and a blood transfusion to begin to recover from the op.  I was nil by mouth and then had to drink yoghurt drinks before being reintroduced to solids.  My whole body was swollen from pregnancy and water retention.  I was on oxygen and in and out of consciousness.  I was a mess!  I stayed two days in ITU before being kept on the labour ward for 8 days where my care was overseen by Fiona.  She was amazing, really looking after not only me but my fiance too.  Everyone who cared for us was wonderful and steered us through a very rough sea.  After 12 long days I was allowed to go home.  Everyone wished us well and said they would see us again in 13 weeks for the babies to be born.  72 hours later we were back and this time I was in preterm labour and I was terrified.  Once again Fiona was there, this time to welcome our children in to the world.  It was so fitting that she should be there to welcome Esther and William.

I went home from hospital just hours after the birth but at 27 weeks gestation it was without my babies.  For 59 long days and nights they were cared for by the fabulous doctors and nurses in NICU/SCBU.  This expert team cared for our babies and also looked after me as I adjusted to life as not just a mum, but a mum of twins and extremely premature twins at that.  You can read about them in this blog and understand what a fabulous job they do for very little recognition or thanks.

Thank you to everyone at William Harvey Hospital, Ashford, Kent.  Thank you for helping my family get such a fantastic start and for supporting us, giving the babies time to grow bigger and stronger before we brought them home.  Thank you x