I Love You, Sleepy Head – Book Review

I Love You, Sleepy Head written by Claire Freedman and illustrated by Simon Mendez I bought this beautiful book for Esther and William on their first month birthday.  I read it to them everyday, beside their incubator and then their … Continue reading

At My Most Beautiful – Mother and Daughter

“It’s beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.”

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes, secretly
With every one, whisper I love you
I let you sleep
I know you’re closed eye watching me,
Listening
I thought I saw a smile

http://www.lyrics007.com/R.E.M.%20Lyrics/At%20My%20Most%20Beautiful%20Lyrics.html

The Gallery – We Want To Be Together!

This week to complement St Valentine’s Day Tara has given us the theme of Togetherness for our Gallery posts.  This was an easy one for me.  It had to be about the twins.  I am going to post two entries to the gallery this week, this is the first.  Esther and William as they get reacquainted in NICU after weeks in separate incubators.

When Esther and William were Reunited for the first time outside of the womb in NICU, it was the most wonderful experience of my life.  They just seemed to just know that they belonged together.  Here are Esther and Willliam clearly demonstrating TOGETHERNESS.

Dear Parents of Twins …

If you are a Mummy or Daddy of twins, please read this post and if you can, please reply.

Esther and William are now nearly 7 months old.  They are good babies on the whole though William can be quite easy to upset and hard to settle sometimes.  At the moment they are both teething and we are 2 days in to their first ever cold.  I am trying so hard to be a good Mum but even with the support of my work from home partner I am still finding it incredibly hard.  I was wondering if anyone had any ideas for making things easier?

This week is particularly bad because of the illness and teething but I often find myself exhausted with too much to do and wondering what I can do to make this work.

I love my children dearly and I want to do right by them but increasingly I am feeling that I just don’t know how.

We have had a hard start to parenting, David and I.  The twins’ arrived early after major abdominal surgery for me, from which I am not sure I have ever really recovered physically or emotionally.  59 days in NICU also took their toll and though it is wonderful having our babies home now it has been lonely through the winter months as we have tried our best to protect them from infection and diseaase.  And winter is not over yet!

I know I am sounding desperate and I don’t mean to.  I know that after 5 cycles of IVF I really am the luckiest girl in the world to have two beautiful babies, a boy and a girl, our family could be complete.  I am grateful and I count my blessings every day but I do not feel that I am appreciating the babies or motherhood as I should.  I don’t feel that I ever have the time.

I envy mothers of single babies and think how much easier life must be with one.  How you can meet one child’s needs, hug them as soon as they cry and hold them as long as they need.  I feel that I am cutting myself in two and always feel that one babies’ needs are not being met.  William is so ill at the moment he should be in my arms all the time but Esther needs me too and she does not complain so quiet and good natured is she, but I am aware and I feel torn.  Why can I not be a good enough mother for two?

And I am not alone by any means.  David is home most days but he is trying to run his business.  I feel so guilty taking up his time but we need him every day, he feels guilty if he does not help, but he is also impatient to be focusing on his work.

On a good day I am fine alone and I enjoy being Mummy, on a difficult day I struggle but I still enjoy the challenges that being a Mummy brings, on a bad day it is awful and I often end up in tears. 

Today is one of those days.  Even David, the calm one, is frustrated today as he is getting nothing done.  He wants me to get help. With the babies, with the house, help?

It is 21.45 and we have only just got both babies to sleep.  We have had dinner but I cannot easily get in or out of the lounge because of baby stuff, David is still working at his computer and I am about to drink yet another cold cup of tea.  My airing cupboard is full of damp washing that needs sorting and the bathroom is full of more washing to do.  We are not unpacked from last weekend away and the babies are being fed from packets and jars.  I am about to eat my fifth cereal bar of the day.  Trying to lose weight is just not going to work!

I thought long and hard about posting this.  I am hoping that someone will read it who will know what we should do. 

I want to enjoy my children.  Have time to play with them.  I want to wake up from a whole nights sleep feeling like I could take on the world.  I used to feel like that once.

We do have good days.  We have good moments in most days but dark dark shadows loom over them.  We laugh together, we play, we read and we sing. We cuddle and we chat.  I know that I am a good Mum, a potentially excellent one I am just scared that right now I am losing my way. 

When I was pregnant I imagined the singing, the stories, wearing a baby round the house, walks to the park, coffee with friends, baby groups and classes, making friends with other new Mums …

As it is I will go to bed in a minute, the house still a mess, the washing undone, I will wake through the night to feed and in the morning this will start all over again and before we know it it will be bath time.  I will probably have spoken to no one apart from increasingly short exchanges with David about how we need help!

If you are reading this and you are a parent of twins please please let me know how you make it work because I want to make this family a happy one.  Please point us in the right direction.

Thank You William Harvey! You Saved Our Lives!

2nd January 2010

Name someone who deserves more credit than they get. And for bonus points, how to change things so they get more

This is an easy one!  The staff at William Harvey Hospital in Ashford, Kent.  Particularly a midwife named Fiona and the whole NICU/SCBU team, each and everyone of them provide care above and beyond their call of duty.  And I thank them all from the bottom of my heart.

On the 10th July 2010 I was rushed into the William Harvey Hospital.  I was almost 26 weeks pregnant and feared the worst.  I was losing my babies.  We were taken straight to the Labour Ward where it was discovered very quickly that actually the babies were fine, the problem was with me.  I was given steroid injections to mature the babies’ lungs just in case I did go into labour, but that wasn’t to be.  Not yet.  It took 2 days of agonising pain and absolute fear for my fiance before I was operated on for a twisted bowel.  Before this stage he was sure that we were going to lose the babies and there were times when we thought that I might die.  I wanted to die rather than have anything happen to our babies.

The surgeon miraculously cut me from just below my chest bone to just below my belly button without disturbing the twins.  It took me 10 long days in hospital  and a blood transfusion to begin to recover from the op.  I was nil by mouth and then had to drink yoghurt drinks before being reintroduced to solids.  My whole body was swollen from pregnancy and water retention.  I was on oxygen and in and out of consciousness.  I was a mess!  I stayed two days in ITU before being kept on the labour ward for 8 days where my care was overseen by Fiona.  She was amazing, really looking after not only me but my fiance too.  Everyone who cared for us was wonderful and steered us through a very rough sea.  After 12 long days I was allowed to go home.  Everyone wished us well and said they would see us again in 13 weeks for the babies to be born.  72 hours later we were back and this time I was in preterm labour and I was terrified.  Once again Fiona was there, this time to welcome our children in to the world.  It was so fitting that she should be there to welcome Esther and William.

I went home from hospital just hours after the birth but at 27 weeks gestation it was without my babies.  For 59 long days and nights they were cared for by the fabulous doctors and nurses in NICU/SCBU.  This expert team cared for our babies and also looked after me as I adjusted to life as not just a mum, but a mum of twins and extremely premature twins at that.  You can read about them in this blog and understand what a fabulous job they do for very little recognition or thanks.

Thank you to everyone at William Harvey Hospital, Ashford, Kent.  Thank you for helping my family get such a fantastic start and for supporting us, giving the babies time to grow bigger and stronger before we brought them home.  Thank you x