In January 2010 my fiancé, David, and I started our fifth cycle of ICSI in the hope of getting pregnant and having a baby of our own. We were starting to wonder if IVF was ever going to work for … Continue reading
This time last year I was 14 weeks pregnant with Esther and William. Because we knew it was twins and because we had IVF we had lots of early scans showing us our babies developing. We really were very lucky in that respect. From 12 weeks they started to look less like aliens and more like babies. Things started to feel real. We were going to have not one baby but two!!
I loved going for scans though I was alway anxious that something would not be right, we had been warned by our clinic about vanishing twin syndrome and a higher risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. It was a time of joy but also of worry. I did not have a very active pregnancy as I was so frightened that something would go wrong.
The scans were like a window into another world. A private silent world that Esther and William were already sharing and learning about each other.
When the babies were born at 27 weeks we were given another window, an opportunity to see first hand how babies develop at such an early stage. We saw with our own eyes what most parents see only on a scan photo. It helps to look at prematurity in that way sometimes, an opportunity to witness human development at its earliest stages.
Esther and William were so tiny and so perfect and it was a privilege to be able to watch them grow from kidney beans to aliens to mini athletes to proper podgy babies.
Today for the Friday Flashback I wanted to think back to those earliest of days and to remember the excitement of being pregnant and the thrill of growing new lives inside of me. It really is a wonderful thing we do.
Here are Esther and William at 13+5, less than 14 weeks later they were born x
When I first started Edspire it was a website for my Year 5 class to use as part of the curriculum and in ICT clubs. They each had a page of their own to edit and publish. It was a … Continue reading
My whole reason for starting blogging was to welcome Esther and William to the world. My beautiful daughter and her brother, my son, born on the 24th July, 13 weeks too soon. They spent 59 days in NICU and looking at them now, you really would never know.
My musical memory is of the beginning of their tiny lives and the soundtrack to those early days.
This is Wires by Athlete with photos of Esther and William at their beginning.
THE VIDEO ON FACEBOOK (should it not work here!)
For more musical memories hop on over to Mummy Matters and join in with this brand new linky.
Because I am so pleased with my poem I am submitting this to Blog Gems as my favourite post. I am late with this post as I have been away on holiday but I hope that people will still take … Continue reading
This week Jen from The King and Eye has asked us to air a favourite post from our archives. This is definitely mine, a letter that I wrote to Esther and William when they were still in NICU. I read … Continue reading
This weekend the Rewind asks us to think back to August and share a post from then.
August 2010 saw me spend every day in NICU/SCBU with Esther and William.
The post I have chosen to share reflects on a very special day when the twins were reunited for the first time outside of the womb.
Please read REUNITED
Mummy Beadzoid has tagged me and asked me to ‘Fill in the Blanks’ and explain a little about who I am.
So here goes …
I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember. And the thing that I worry about most is what other people think about me. Pathetic, I know. I worry about what people think about what I wear, what I do and how I do things. I worry about what kind of teacher I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of blogger I am! I let these worries impact on what I do. It leads to a lot of loneliness actually and to an inability to really be myself in front of others. Very few people know the real me, I do not let people close. A fear of ridicule, a fear of rejection. I can come across as rude to some people, I know, but it is not rudeness, it is shyness. People find this hard to believe as I am confident on a stage or when teaching a group of children but among a group of my peers this confidence leaves me. Deserts me and lets me down. This worry is quite a handicap for me. It leads to irrational thinking and over reactions to silly situations. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience as I emotionally react to a situation I am telling myself to stop. But I can’t! This worry causes me stress but I cannot stop it. I should be able to but I can’t. I am a worrier and it is something about myself that I hate.
The bravest thing I have ever done is have abdominal surgery whilst 26 weeks pregnant with my twins. Although this is not something that I chose to do, I had no choice, I have never been so scared in all my life. David and I had tried for so long to get pregnant, we had come so far in this twin pregnancy and we were about to lose everything because of me, because of my body. I was letting him down. I was letting his parents down, my parents. I was letting down our children, before they had even been born. From being admitted to hospital to being cut open took 3 days. 3 days of tests and assessments, pain killers, blood, vomit and terror. David was far braver than me, he did not know if any of us were going to survive, no one seemed to know what was wrong or what should be done. I told him that if it was a choice between me and the babies then I wanted to be the one to die. It was awful but worse for David as my recollection of those days is blurred and I know for him the memories are still very clear. After the operation I was in hospital for 7 days recovering. I was heavily pregnant. My bump had been cut from top to bottom to allow the surgeon to save my twisted bowel without disturbing the babies. I could not eat, I was on oxygen. David had to help me in a way a husband should never have to help his wife, let alone fiance to fiancee. I was so swollen with water retention I could barely sit, stand or walk. I had to fight on to get fit and well for the babies. When I was discharged on the 21st July I did not expect to go to hospital again until October but in spite of my best efforts and those of all the doctors the babies were born on the 24th July 2010 at 27 weeks plus 3. I am so sorry babies that I was not able to keep you safe inside me for longer x I will always feel sad about that.
I feel prettiest when I forget to worry about what other people think.
Something that keeps me awake at night is my son, William. Bless him. Born at 27 weeks, now 7 months, there is nothing my little man likes more than Mummy’s milk. Every 2 – 3 hours right around the clock. I always complain about this but actually I love feeding him and will miss it so much when this special time is gone. But it does mean a severe and prolonged lack of sleep.
My favourite meal is fajitas. David and I started eating fajitas regulalrly when we started IVF as a good way of eating lots of vegetables. When I make fajitas they are filled to bursting with veg – peppers, onions, mushrooms, chillies, tomatoes, spinach. We have lots of different varieties of mushroom and they are really filling and flavoursome. We started IVF in January 2009 and we still eat fajitas at least once a week even now. Yum – Yum!
The way to my heart is to surprise me. Tell me something nice, make me laugh, write me a story, cook me a meal. Be thoughtful and kind and spontaneous. Treat me in some way, make me smile. Show that you have been thinking about me enough to plan a surprise no matter how small. Do this and my heart will be yours x
I would like to be thinner. Since starting IVF and being pregnant I have gained over a stone in weight. It is coming off slowly but I still have a way to go before our wedding in September. I am struggling to lose weight and tone my stomach because of the scars from surgery. I will keep working at it and hope that by September I will be somewhere near to where I used to be in tone and weight. If not, well, I have two beautiful babies to show for it, and at the end of the day, I am alive.
This is me, I am what I am.
Thank you Mummy Beadzoid for the questions x
When Esther and William were born I bought them each a book. Because they are twins I wanted the books to be by the same author and so I chose Oliver Jeffers. I wanted each baby to have a story chosen especially for them, that could mean something to them all of their lives. I also wanted them to have a story to share. The three books that I chose are: The Way Back Home; Lost and Found and How to Catch a Star.
Lost and Found was William’s book. It was first read to him on the day that he was born by his Daddy. David and I sat by his incubator and shared this story with our newborn son, who weighed in at just 2lb 11ozs and could not open his eyes or breathe without assistance. We read to our little boy lost hoping that he would find his way, that we would find a way to be together as a family. Lost and Found is about a little boy who finds a penguin. Penguins (along with giraffes!) are my favourite animals and I want to pass that on to my children, to share it with them. The little boy thinks that the penguin wants to go home and the boy does all he can to help him find his way but then he realises that the penguin was not lost at all but was lonely, he didn’t want to go home, he wanted to find a friend. It is a very touching story about friendship, told very simply with beautiful illustrations. It explores loss and loneliness which seemed very apt for our William who was all alone in a plastic box when he should have been in our arms with his sister. It tells how two people can find comfort in one another and help each other along the way. it is a story of the journey of friendship, through words and pictures it shows the strength and determination of one little boy to help another. We dedicated this to our Mr Strong, our braveheart, our William. This is a wonderful first story for a little boy. For our little boy.
Our daughter’s first ever story How to Catch A Star. I chose this for Esther because one meaning of her name is ‘Star’. I read her this book for the very first time on the day she was born. I sat beside her blue lit incubator and read it to my 2lb 4oz baby, who I had known just hours but already loved with all my heart. This was the prefect choice of story for Esther. It is about a boy who loves stars and tries everything that he can to find one. This is a story with the message of never giving up, of doing all you can to achieve your dreams, of fighting for what you believe in, of striving for your goals, of being strong and reaching for the stars. This was the perfect message for my tiny, fragile daughter fighting for her life in an incubator rather than celebrating the start of her life in my arms. I read this story with broken voice and eyes full of tears. My little star was going to need all the strength she would muster and all of our strength too. This book is so beautifully illustrated I just know that it will be treasured for always for its message and devoured time and time again for its lovely language and exquisite illustrations. Thank you Oliver Jeffers for helping us give our children such a lovely start to life and the world of literature.
The final book , I bought for the twins to share. It is called The Way Back Home. Inside the front cover I wrote:
Dear Esther and William
We can’t wait to show you the way home to our house, your house, your home. We love you now and always.
Mummy and Daddy
This Oliver Jeffers book is about finding your way home. This was all we wanted for our two babies, to find a way to bring them home. This story is about a young boy who gets stuck on the moon with an alien and together they must find a way to get each other home. It is a tale of friendship and what can be achieved when friends work together. I hope that Esther and William will be life long friends as well as twin brother and sister and whenevr they fight or fall out I am going to remind them of this book, the first time we shared it and how far they have come.
Oliver Jeffers is a brilliant writer and illustrator of unique and exciting books for children that can be enjoyed by all the family over and over again.
Simple stories with complex messages and meanings, filled with heartfelt love and warmth.
Please, if you have not yet discovered these books and enjoyed them with your children, please do, I am certain that you will not be disappointed.
Thank you Oliver Jeffers! Keep writing please!
