I lasted half an hour of my final hour before I wanted to be home.

You see in spite of all the sadness and anger and whatever it is that is pumping through me these days, I love my children and I love being with them and with David more than anything in the world.

But it does take a few hours away to make you remember, I think, sometimes.

You get so caught up in the daily grind and repetitive routines that you forget what it is all about.

Esther and William are longed for babies. David and I worked hard to get them and I want to enjoy them.

I thought I knew what being a mother was all about but how can you until you have a child of your own?

Being a mother changes the way that you view the world. It makes you question everything. It makes you reflect on everything you have ever done and worry more about what you may do in the future. What your children and their children may do.

It brings responsibility beyond measure and love beyond dreams.

Every emotion is felt more vividly, every high higher and each low lower. Life means more than it ever did before.

Hormones are raging and feelings are flying and the world as you once knew it does not exist anymore.

I think that anyone is going to find that situation take a little getting used to

I have looked at other mothers today, other children in town and I am not doing such a bad job you know.

I may consider things too much, I may worry too much, I may always look at the worst case scenario but I love my children more than I had ever dared hope I could love anyone. I love their father that way too.

How wonderful is that? How lucky am I?

I am going to be looking at things differently from now on. I know it is still going to be hard, I know that there is work to be done but I don’t mind hard work, I thrive on pressure or I did.

I can still be the old me and bring my old strengths into motherhood. Motherhood and being a wife.

I am still me in these roles just as before I have been teacher, colleague, boss, daughter, and sister they are just two more hats to wear or roles to play.

The most demanding roles I have ever been asked to play but I like a challenge.

Bring it on!

Things are going to be different from today.

12.15 My hair is complete. I could make the 12.40 train home if I really wanted to, but I don’t. I don’t think one more hour will make much difference to David; the babies will be having lunch now and then they should go to sleep. I will get the 13.40 train home and have one more hour for me. Selfish or sensible? You decide.

So what to do? Well first, I am going to enjoy a second skinny mocha and then I am going to browse the sales. What a pip!

Browsing sales is not something that can be done easily with a twin buggy so I am going to take one more hour for me.

I hope everything is okay at home. I have come out without my phone so I am not contactable at all. Perhaps that is not the wisest thing I have done?

I love my hair. I want to enjoy wearing it down a while. They’ll be alright at home for one more hour.

Things are going to be different from now on. I am going to be different. I want to be. I want to adopt a more positive ‘can do’ attitude. I know that I am a good and capable Mum but recently I have talked myself out of my abilities. I believe my own self doubt and am afraid of just getting on with it on my own. I wish I could remember when this feeling started, perhaps then I could figure out what the trigger might be and I will be able to stop myself falling down this hole again.

It must have started at some point but I don’t when that was or what.

What made the clock start ticking? The fuse inside that has been getting shorter and shorter until the explosions of recent days. The way I feel reminds me of the character Josh in The West Wing when he is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t think I have that but perhaps our symptoms and reactions are somewhat the same. Perhaps that is taking my obsession with The West Wing just one step too far?

I know I have some soul searching to do. I know there are questions to which I need to find answers. But for now I am going to just enjoy the present moment with my newly highlighted hair falling softly down my back as I browse the summer sales on my own.

And then I will be ready.

I can do this. I can get a hold of myself and pull myself up from the crevice I am in and begin again.

I have so much to be thankful for and lots to enjoy and look forward to.

Let’s begin again!