A combination of holiday comedown Missing Matilda Mae And being very pregnant Seem to have left me broken I think I have forgotten how to be a Mummy For the first time in ages I am home alone with Esther … Continue reading
Broken
Category Archives: Matilda Mae
The Seven Year Risk
It was a risk coming back here Coming at all Coming to the place where it all began Seven years ago we came My first family holiday With my family to be David and I had known each other Only … Continue reading
Here We Are!
Standing on the shores of Ullswater Falling in love with David all over again The brisk breeze across the lake Seeing David do what he loves best On the water His own father by his side As he lifts his … Continue reading
Headland Garden and Tilda’s Special Beach
A day of clouds and sunshine
A day of light and dark
Bright and shade
Sunlight and shadow
A day of rain then sun
And yet the rainbow respectfully stayed away
Today was not a day for rainbows
Today was a day for Matilda Mae
Today we went back to the place
Where we spent Tilda’s birthday last year
We went to the Headland Garden
In Polruan, near Fowey
The people there were so friendly
As we made our way down the cliff side
Winding past the bluebells
To Tilda’s special beach
It seemed so changed from last year
Which made me feel so sad
So much has changed since last year
We all have changed and grown
Everyone has aged a year
Except Matilda Mae
Everything today was a reminder of how far we have come
Leaving our daughter behind
And it hurts so much to know
That every time we visit that place
We will all have changed and grown a little more
We will have left Baby Tilda a little further behind
Locked up tight in our hearts and our memories
I can’t stand it
It makes me feel so scared
It is becoming harder and harder to persuade myself
That this is all some terrible mistake
And life will just go back to normal one day
Tomorrow our daughter should be two
Instead we will tonight wrap presents for her siblings
Dress the house for a party that has no guest of honour
But I cannot, will not, let her day go unmarked
Tomorrow is Baby Tilda’s birthday
And we will remember her
In all that we do we will honour her
And celebrate the too short time that we had with her
Were blessed and lucky enough to have her in our lives
But inside my heart will shatter all over again
Into tiny shards that will pierce my body and soul
For all days
Because I should be able to wake up in the morning
And kiss my little girl happy birthday
Not send her wishes and kisses to the sky
I should be beaming with pride tomorrow
Admiring how much Tilda has changed and grown
Not feeling sad and scared
That we are all growing
All changing
All moving on in time
From our baby in the sky
We love you Matilda Mae
Baby Tilda
Happy 2nd birthday in the sky
Grief is Inconvenient
Grief is inconvenient It has no agenda Keeps no schedule Does no forward planning You can try to guess when the worst will hit But more often than not you are wrong Grief is inconvenient It is not aware of … Continue reading
Christmas with Thomas: Festive Family Frolics with my Country Kids
Earlier this year we treated Esther and William to a day at Thomas Land. They have had lots of treats this year. They, we, have had a tough tough year. The worst. One year ago I promised myself that I … Continue reading
Toddler Grief: Baby Tilda’s Heaven
I talk to Esther and William about Baby Tilda in the sky all the time. We talk about what it might be like for her up there. I do it as much if not more for me than for them … Continue reading
Co-sleeping and SIDS
Last night for no known reason I felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious. I was sat alone and crying and I could not control my breathing. Grief manifests itself in many different ways. Last night mine got the better of me. … Continue reading
Toddler Grief
Esther and William are a little over two and a half. At the end of July they will be three. Born at 27 weeks. 13 weeks too soon. They spent their first 59 days in hospital. The next four months … Continue reading