I am wondering if it is possible to have post natal depression one year after the babies’ birth?

I am wondering if I have always had it but have been in denial?

I am wondering if I do not have it at all but am in fact just a horrible person?

I am really struggling at the moment. I have been through periods like this before since Esther and William were born but this seems to be the worst.

I feel so very tired. I am not enjoying anything that I do. There is so much that I want and need to do but I cannot find the motivation to do any of it. Everything I have to do, even just the simple every day, feels so hard.

I love my children so much but am finding them a chore. I seem to be constantly patting someone to sleep or picking food or toys off the floor. I can’t see the fun through all the crap (excuse me) that comes with it.

I love David more than all the world and I am being awful to him. For absolutely no reason at all. He is doing everything he can to be nice to me and he is just making me feel worse because in my head I see it as him being a wonderful father and me being a rubbish mother.

What is wrong with me?

It is all stemming from feelings of being not good enough. I think it might be linked to giving up breastfeeding. I feel that if I do not feed them then what do I do? I can’t do anything else well.

Today’s episode started because William would not eat any tea, now I know it is probably because his teeth are hurting or he is eating less because of the hot weather but in my head I couldn’t stop thinking that this was one more thing I am not any good at, getting William to eat his tea. My thoughts are irrational, the things I say to David make no sense, the rage and fear that I feel come from nowhere and I make him so angry and I know that I am doing it but I just cannot stop.

My head seems to be whirring these days with thoughts of how rubbish I am. I feel so lonely and so tired. And so confused. Why am I so down on myself? Why am I so intent on ruining something so special, making bad out of good? Why?

I don’t know why I feel like this, why I cannot be confident in my abilities as a Mum. Why I cannot be assertive in my role as Esther and William’s Mummy, why I feel so helpless, lifeless and just rubbish.

Now that the episode has passed I can see how ridiculous it is. I know that I am doing okay as a Mum and the bits where I need to improve I am aware of so why I am giving myself such a hard time. I know that David and I make a good team when I am on form. We are good together. Why then do I seem to be doing my best to ruin it?

It is like something snaps inside me that triggers a whole range of feelings, emotions and actions that are out of my control. It is horrible. It is frightening.

I want more than anything to be a good Mummy to my children but at the moment I find myself sometimes almost resenting them and wondering if I will ever get to just be me again. Not that I can really remember who I am or was, I think that might be part of the problem.

Today I just kept thinking how nice it would be to wear make up, have my hair all nice and wear nice clothes. To be dressed up with somewhere to go. Such a silly silly thing!

I am very aware that because of my life circumstances I have gotten to 34 years of age without a very big circle of friends and I am really feeling that now. David is off out for his second stag do soon with a second set of friends. I will be at home looking after the babies and that upset me today especially when he stated that he does not have to stop seeing his friends just because I do not have any. Ouch! But true. He keeps telling me to go out for the night, but where would I go? And with who?

And I have lots of opportunities to make friends, to keep friends and I tend to drive those into the ground too.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Does anyone know what I should do?