This weekend the Rewind asks us to think back to August and share a post from then.
August 2010 saw me spend every day in NICU/SCBU with Esther and William.
The post I have chosen to share reflects on a very special day when the twins were reunited for the first time outside of the womb.
Please read REUNITED
Mummy Beadzoid has tagged me and asked me to ‘Fill in the Blanks’ and explain a little about who I am.
So here goes …
I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember. And the thing that I worry about most is what other people think about me. Pathetic, I know. I worry about what people think about what I wear, what I do and how I do things. I worry about what kind of teacher I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of blogger I am! I let these worries impact on what I do. It leads to a lot of loneliness actually and to an inability to really be myself in front of others. Very few people know the real me, I do not let people close. A fear of ridicule, a fear of rejection. I can come across as rude to some people, I know, but it is not rudeness, it is shyness. People find this hard to believe as I am confident on a stage or when teaching a group of children but among a group of my peers this confidence leaves me. Deserts me and lets me down. This worry is quite a handicap for me. It leads to irrational thinking and over reactions to silly situations. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience as I emotionally react to a situation I am telling myself to stop. But I can’t! This worry causes me stress but I cannot stop it. I should be able to but I can’t. I am a worrier and it is something about myself that I hate.
The bravest thing I have ever done is have abdominal surgery whilst 26 weeks pregnant with my twins. Although this is not something that I chose to do, I had no choice, I have never been so scared in all my life. David and I had tried for so long to get pregnant, we had come so far in this twin pregnancy and we were about to lose everything because of me, because of my body. I was letting him down. I was letting his parents down, my parents. I was letting down our children, before they had even been born. From being admitted to hospital to being cut open took 3 days. 3 days of tests and assessments, pain killers, blood, vomit and terror. David was far braver than me, he did not know if any of us were going to survive, no one seemed to know what was wrong or what should be done. I told him that if it was a choice between me and the babies then I wanted to be the one to die. It was awful but worse for David as my recollection of those days is blurred and I know for him the memories are still very clear. After the operation I was in hospital for 7 days recovering. I was heavily pregnant. My bump had been cut from top to bottom to allow the surgeon to save my twisted bowel without disturbing the babies. I could not eat, I was on oxygen. David had to help me in a way a husband should never have to help his wife, let alone fiance to fiancee. I was so swollen with water retention I could barely sit, stand or walk. I had to fight on to get fit and well for the babies. When I was discharged on the 21st July I did not expect to go to hospital again until October but in spite of my best efforts and those of all the doctors the babies were born on the 24th July 2010 at 27 weeks plus 3. I am so sorry babies that I was not able to keep you safe inside me for longer x I will always feel sad about that.
I feel prettiest when I forget to worry about what other people think.
Something that keeps me awake at night is my son, William. Bless him. Born at 27 weeks, now 7 months, there is nothing my little man likes more than Mummy’s milk. Every 2 – 3 hours right around the clock. I always complain about this but actually I love feeding him and will miss it so much when this special time is gone. But it does mean a severe and prolonged lack of sleep.
My favourite meal is fajitas. David and I started eating fajitas regulalrly when we started IVF as a good way of eating lots of vegetables. When I make fajitas they are filled to bursting with veg – peppers, onions, mushrooms, chillies, tomatoes, spinach. We have lots of different varieties of mushroom and they are really filling and flavoursome. We started IVF in January 2009 and we still eat fajitas at least once a week even now. Yum – Yum!
The way to my heart is to surprise me. Tell me something nice, make me laugh, write me a story, cook me a meal. Be thoughtful and kind and spontaneous. Treat me in some way, make me smile. Show that you have been thinking about me enough to plan a surprise no matter how small. Do this and my heart will be yours x
I would like to be thinner. Since starting IVF and being pregnant I have gained over a stone in weight. It is coming off slowly but I still have a way to go before our wedding in September. I am struggling to lose weight and tone my stomach because of the scars from surgery. I will keep working at it and hope that by September I will be somewhere near to where I used to be in tone and weight. If not, well, I have two beautiful babies to show for it, and at the end of the day, I am alive.
This is me, I am what I am.
Thank you Mummy Beadzoid for the questions x
WOW! Has there really been another week? I feel like I have achieved nothing this week but I am sure that there must be some cheery bits somewhere?!? Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!
1 – I am now the proud owner of a dishwasher and a washer / dryer!!
This decision to obtain a dishwasher and a tumble dryer is going to change the quality of my life by giving me just a few spare minutes a day to do something for me. It will mean that I am not searching the house for places to hang washing on a rainy day and that my airing cupboard will not be full to bursting with damp baby gros! A little luxury! My first reason for cheer!
2 – William can roll from his front to his back and his back to his front! Tick follows tock follows tick follows tock!
William is on the move. He can roll around the room now with great groaning effort. He has realised that by throwing himself around in this way he can travel and get to places he wants to be. It also means that he can amuse himself for longer periods of time, just rolling! Esther, not wanting to be out done by her little brother, has started trying to roll today but she is not so successful. At under 10lbs she is such a tiny little thing and seeing her try to propel herself across the floor with no power or purchase is heartbreaking. But she will get there, I know she will, and in the meantime I take great delight in her being photogenic.
3 – I have taken some beautiful pictures of Esther this week that I am very proud of
David bought me a camera for Christmas and I am finally starting to get some good results with it. I adore looking at people’s baby photographs and have been trying to take good shots of my own. This week I finally feel like I am getting somewhere!
4 – My blog has reached over 20, 000 hits and I feel like I have made my first blogging friend in TheBoyandMe (Hope that she does not mind me saying so!)
This week my blog reached over 20,000 views. I know that is probably not a lot in comparison to others but I feel like it is a real achievement for me and it has filled me with blogging confidence and cheer. This new found cheery confidence has led to me commenting more on other people’s blogs and trying to interact more on Twitter. Through my endeavours I have found a blog that I love, http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/, and have started chatting a bit to its author, who seems to be lovely. Please try and read her blog if you haven’t already as it is brill! It has played a major part in making me cheery this week!
To see what is making other people smile this week pop on over to Michelle’s blog and join the hop!
Have a great weekend one and all!
Inspired by http://superamazingmum.blogspot.com/2010/11/raindrops-on-roses-and-whiskers-on.html which I read during an early morning breast feed!! I have dug out my list of favourite things that I shared with David when we met in 2007. At the end I will add on some new ‘raindrops and roses’ that have grown through knowing him.
‘These are a few of my favourite things!’
ART
Andy Goldsworthy
“Andy Goldsworthy is an environmental sculptor in which his use of the natural surroundings create an art form. He explores and experiments with various natural materiel such as leaves, grasses, stones, wood, sand, clay, ice, and snow. The seasons and weather determine the materials and the subject matter of his projects. With no preconceived ideas about what he will create, Goldsworthy relies on what nature will give him.”
This is one of my favourite pieces.
Gustav Klimt
Kandinsky – I like abstract art
Mondrian
Lowry – I also like art that tells a story
Jack Vettriano
PLACES
Lost Gardens of Heligan – Cornwall
Have you ever been here? It is wonderful. Has a real sense of magic.
http://www.heligan.com/flash_index.html
Gyllyngvase Beach, near Falmouth, Cornwall
Kynance Cove, The Lizard, Cornwall
Hidden away from all the world!
The view from the top of Gummers How, near Windermere
On a clear day you can see the sea far far in the distance
Camber Sands, especially when it is empty and when it is winter.
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Windermere
Window seats in old houses. Where you can curl up with a good book and watch the world go by at the same time. Watch raindrops as they race down the panes.
Warming up by a roaring open fire – toasting marshmallows
Holidays by the sea
Campfires on the beach
Sleeping under the stars, beneath the night sky
TO DO
Camping, walking, climbing, cycling and swimming. Reading and writing, teaching and learning. Going to the theatre, acting, singing, listening to music.
READING
I have always been an avid reader. Starting with Enid Blyton and The Folk of the Faraway Tree, moving on to The Famous Five, The Dark is Rising Sequence by Susan Cooper, The Hobbit. I love Jane Austen, Thomas Hardy and other classic literature. I love The Secret Garden. I love 1984 by George Orwell and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I studied and compared these two books for an extended study as part of my literature A Level and have loved them ever since. I love The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. I love Lord of the Flies. Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. I love The Silver Sword by Ian Serrailer, I Am David by Anne Holme and Children of the Oregon Trail. Books I can read over and over again! I will read just about anything to be fair.
WRITING
Though I have not written much outside of school and university for a few years now. I have written and enjoy writing stories, poems and plays. The first play I ever wrote was called The Happy Scarecrow when I was 8 years old. I directed and performed in it in a school assembly. My friends and I used to write shows and perform them in my garden all the time when we were younger. Poetry I wrote was pretty intense as a teenager. I went on holiday to Scottish highlands with my parents when I was about 15 and write some pretty moody stuff. I have not felt much like writing for years, until I met you, and now I feel inspired again. Thank you. I have had some educational articles published and some of my work from uni, I have also had some poetry published when I was younger. I will always try to keep a diary. I want to be able to look back on what we have when I am old and remember how wonderful and magical it was to find you (David).
ACTING AND DIRECTING
I have always been into the theatre. First started acting when I was 6. Started with small parts but always speaking roles and then as I got older I always got the lead roles in school productions and at the various drama clubs I belonged to. Got some really good reviews for my acting and for the productions that I directed. The last two Christmases I have produced and directed the school Christmas show (with Debbie) but it is not quite the same thing.
Parts I have played
Loads of pantomimes always either the young female lead (Snow White, Cinderella) or the Prince type person.
A review from when I was in panto – “Colin was of course played by a girl in true panto tradition. This was the delectable and talented actress Jennie Nairn who was quite outstanding. She was all that the lead panto ‘male’ should be. Striking looks, true stage presence, a magnificent smile and a marvellous set of legs which all made her perfect for the role.”
The Governor’s Wife / Rider in Bertolt Brecht’s The Caucasian Chalk Circle
Sara Bond in Wolfsbane
“Pivotal to the whole play was the part of Sara Bond, played by Jennie Nairn. It is difficult to believe that one so young (20) could have such a mature acting ability. She had terrific stage presence and built up Sara’s character with subtlety and guile. Jennie is a handsome girl with a clear and powerful voice and was a joy to watch. Her powerful scene with Gran was a highlight. Her domination and mood changes, threats and ridiculing of the old lady had the audience on the edge of their seats. It was marvellous stuff. She never hesitated once, such was her command of her part, and at the end I was an ardent fan full of admiration. There have been some fine perfomances at CATs but Jennie Nairn’s was amongst the best that I have seen.”
Antigone in Antigone
Mrs Frank in The Diary of Anne Frank
Karin Rust in Albert
Dulcie in The Boyfriend
Audrey in The Little Shop of Horrors
Alice in The Killing of Sister George
Plays I have directed
Doggies by Jean McConnell
Love Stinks by Sue Herscombe and Pete Scott
“Amateur dramatics often gets stuck in a rut. Give the younger generation a chance to show its talents and this refreshing pair of duologues is the result. The young CATS were led by the hardworking Jennie Nairn (me) who directed without unnecessary frills,, allowing us to concentrate on the well-written texts … We look forward to more work from this combination of young talent.”
All of the above are my favourite things from 2007, now in 2011 I would add
David, my children and all the wonderful things they do, teaching, directing children’s drama, blogging, taking photographs, Ullswater!!, Devon, Durdle Door, snow days with igloos, animation, The West Wing, Spooks, Twilight, planning our wedding and so much more …
Think I will post more about this soon.
Thank you for the inspiration x
http://superamazingmum.blogspot.com/2010/11/raindrops-on-roses-and-whiskers-on.html
As I continue to explore the world of blogging and the potential for this blog I am finding and adopting ideas that I like. Tomorrow will be my first Silent Sunday post. Click the image above to find out more about what you can expect from me tomorrow x
4th January 2010
Do you prefer to talk, text message, or a different communication method?
I used to use texting as my communication of choice but now I mostly use Facebook and email. I think that this is because it allows me to say more, to more people.
I am not very good at talking. I never have been.
I hate talking on the telephone even to close family and friends. I don’t really know why but I avoid telephone conversations as much as I can.
I find face to face chatting with people I don’t know very hard and people often think that I am rude when really I am actually quite shy of conversation.
I find it hard to say what I mean clearly when talking but find that I can write well with good expression and creativity even humour at times but I cannot say the same of my speech.
I can perform a script well with intonation and character.
I just don’t like to talk.
And yet I am a teacher and when put in front of a classroom of 30 children or even an entire school the words flow freely and coherently and the things I say are well listened to.
When Esther and William were born and had to stay in hospital I sent updates to people by text at first and then by email. It was only on a very rare occasion that I would talk to someone on the phone and only then if they called me.
In spite of my fear of chat I would say that I am a people person and with my closest friends I do have much to say.
Friendship needs no words
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health: The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow. Crunchy numbers A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. … Continue reading
