Today is ten years since Tilda’s funeral
Ten years since the hardest days of my life
My baby daughter dying
Telling the world my baby died
Trying to make my children
Understand that their sister had died
Writing a eulogy for a child taken far too soon
Trying to be a bereaved mother
And a mother to living children

The death of my daughter
And learning to live without her
Almost killed me
Many many times

Ten years on and I have been
In physical pain since Friday
My back went on Friday
And I have had immense pain
And limited mobility since
It is the worst timing
As the children all had
Exams and auditions this past weekend
Bea has her first dance competition tomorrow
William has his first orthodontist appointment
But grief is inconvenient
A Tilda shaped hole fills my heart
And most days ten years on
I carry it without anyone knowing
But on specific days
And when I am feeling stressed
The loss and pain becomes physical
And clear for all to see

It was also last week
The day we would have heard
About Tilda’s secondary school place
Whenever a school trigger date occurs
I wonder, would our children all be at school
If Matilda had lived?

Today is one of those days
When I am lost in my memories
While still doing all the things
A home educating mummy needs to do
Because life and love go on
And while we do have a
Tilda shaped hole in our family
It is filled with love and memories
Of Tilda’s little life
And all the things we have done
These past ten years
In her honour
With her in our hearts

This morning we started our day
Reading together
The Hare-Shaped Hole
By John Dougherty and
Thomas Docherty

I fell in love with this book at first sight
The cover is striking and
Immediately made me think of Tilda

The Hare-Shaped Hole
Is a beautiful picture book
That tells the tale of two friends
Best buddies
Bertle and Hertle
The pair were inseperable
Together forever
Until their forever ended
Suddenly and unexpectedly

Bertle finds himself all alone
With just a hole
Where a hare should be

Bertle cannot understand
Where Hertle has gone
He cannot accept that
His friend is no longer there
He looks everywhere
For his friend
But there is only a
Hertle-shaped hole in the air

Bertle feels lost and alone
He is angry that Hertle has gone
He wants the horrible hole
Hare has left behind to go away

The anger passes
And Hertle begs his friend
To come back

But the hole does not go away
Nor does Hertle come back

Bertle feels weak
Bertle feels sad
He cries and cries and cries
For his friend

Bertle is found by Gerda
A kindly gentle bear
Older and wiser
Gerda has known loss
Of her own

She cuddles Bertle
Holds him tight
While he cries
She keeps him safe
And lets him feel
All he is feeling inside

She stays strong and silent
Til Bertle is ready to talk
And then slowly
Gently
She helps him to see a
Way to move forward
A way to stay alive
Without his friend

This book in incredibly moving
A story told in rhyme
With a gentle rhythm
That can be read aloud
At a slow pace
Helping children to
Listen and think
To this poignant story
Of love and loss
Life and death
Understanding and acceptance
Of learning to live again
And how to fill the hole
A loved one leaves behind
How to fill the hole
With love and memories
To let those still alive
Live again

I had four Gerda’s
Merry
Melissa
Michele
And Mary
My mother in law

All Ms for Matilda Mae

They kept me alive
In the earliest days
After Tilda died
They loved me
They held me
They supported me
They let me feel
All I was feeling inside
And I will be forever grateful
Because of them
And David, my husband
And my living children
I am alive today

And with my Gerda’s
My family and
My friends
I have filled our
Tilda shaped hole
With love and memories
I continue to fill it
And speak Tilda’s name
By filling our Tilda hole
We ensure that she will
Never be forgotten
My memories of Tilda
Make me happy
When I am sad and alone

Just like Bertle’s memories
Comfort him and
Keep Hertle alive
In his heart

The Hare-Shaped Hole
Is my new favourite book
For talking to young children
About death and grief
We see how much it hurts
To lose someone that we love
We see the range of feelings
That affect us when someone
That we love dies
Sadness
Sorrow
Anger
Confusion
We see that it is not easy
To understand and accept
That a loved one has truly gone
Accepting death and loss
Takes time
Grief affects us all differently
And whatever we feel
It is okay
The unspeakably painful
Raw jagged emotions
Will smooth and pass with time
The hole we feel will never be gone
But we can fill it with love and memories

The children and I love it when
We see Matilda’s gap
In our family photographs
There is always a gap
A Tilda-shaped hole
And when others notice it
It means the world to us
Because although ten years
Have now passed
We still miss Matilda
We still talk about her all the time
She is very much a part of us
One of the family
And we have learned to love
The Tilda shaped hole
That she has left behind

When we lose someone that we love
We cannot survive alone
We all need a Gerda
And when the earliest days
Of loss and grief have passed
When we feel we can breathe again
We see that everyone has lost someone
Everyone has a hole
Where a loved one should be
And one day we will be
Someone else’s Gerda
We will learn to help others
Love their heart shaped holes
And learn to live again
In honour of the one they have lost

Grief is the price we pay for love
And it is worth every moment

I would not swap my 9 months
With Baby Tilda for anything
I loved her whole
And now I love
The Tilda-Shaped Hole
That she has left behind
And we continue to fill
With memories and love