I am not entirely sure how it has happened
A combination I think
Of fertility treatment
Almost dying while pregnant with the twins
The twins being born prematurely
Tilda dying
Lockdown isolation
And global pandeimc fatigue
Somehow over the last 11 years I have lost myself
I have forgotten who I am
I carry a lot of guilt around with me every day
Guilt for not being able to get pregnant
Guilt for not being able to stay pregnant
Guilt for almost dying and putting David through hell
Guilt for not carrying the twins to term
Guilt for their difficulties that are most likely a direct consequence of the above
Guilt for struggling with my mental health
Guilt for my baby dying
Guilt for grieving too much
Guilt for not grieving enough
Guilt for feeling sad
Guilt for feeling angry
Guilt for lost friendships
Guilt for damaged family relationships
Guilt for protecting my children by keeping them locked down
For longer than most have stayed locked down
I feel guilty for being alive
I feel guilty for not doing enough for others
In amongst all of this guilt
I have lost me
I have lost my confidence
My enthusiasm for anything
My belief in my ability to do anything
I have become a slither of my former self
And I don’t know how to find myself again
I feel like I do not belong anywhere
Like I am not needed
Not needed
Last night it really hit me that I do not want my children to grow up with this shadow of me
I want them to know the me that I was
A bright confident woman
An educated woman with a first class honours degree in education
A kind woman with purpose and drive
A creative woman with ideas
What happened to her?
I liked her
And I think that my children would to
I wish that I knew how to find her
Before she is lost forever
I want to be a strong positive role model for my children
My daughters in particular
Not someone who gets Daddy to do everything
Someone who is scared of everyone and everything
Someone who thinks she is not good enough to matter
Someone who has lost all sense of self esteem
I need to find the person I am
To make myself the very best mother I can be
And the best human being I can be
I wish that I knew how to start
Start by reading your amazing posts of what you do for all your children. Try to see yourself as others see you, i.e., those of us who have followed your blog for 9 or 10 years. The activities you put on for your children as part of your home educating journey are exceptional and I suspect there are many mothers out here who are continually impressed by, possibly even envious of, all you are able to do for them because of the wonderful educator you are. Whilst you describe the many many reasons you feel guilty, try to see the positives in all the things you do.
I know you will say it is easy for me to say, and indeed it is, but I am sure many others will agree with me: you have suffered so much but you have achieved so much in spite of all this.
Finally, never underestimate the effect of COVID times. Many people have kept themselves locked away. None of us will be unchanged by the past 15 months. However, your children have had some wonderful enriching experiences in the natural environment that will live with them forever. Yes, they won’t know the ‘old’ you but they certainly know the current you and all that you offer them… and I’m sure they all love you unconditionally.
Thank you for reading and saying such lovely things x That means such a lot to me x Thank you x
Motherhood is spelled wrongly, it is spelled guilt.
Guilt is spelled wrongly, it is spelled fear
Fear is spelled wrongly it is spelled motherhood.
We spend all our maternal lives thinking we haven’t done it right, when in fact as long as we haven’t neglected our children we have done ok. You are a wonderful, creative, energetic woman who has had more than her fair share of shit to deal with.
Your children may not recognise it now, but when they become young adults and are comparing their childhood with that of their peers, it is those peers who will turn to their parents and say ‘why didn’t we do more of xyz’ it won’t be your children.
It is only now I am in my sixties that I am rediscovering my creative side, it lay dormant for such a long time. Be patient, your time in the sun is coming, but start by taking small steps, encourage yourself to be brave just as you would a child. Be kind to yourself. Hugs xx
Thank you x x x x For always knowing what to say and saying it x Thank you x