I am really struggling at the moment
I am finding very little in life to feel happy about
I am not enjoying being a mother and I am not enjoying home education
I wake up and just wish I could stay in bed
Everyone is happy and busy downstairs including David
Until I come down
I do wonder if it would be better for everyone if I were not here
I feel like I have forgotten how to have fun or be fun
I hate everything that comes out of my mouth
I plan amazing home education days but we never get to do them
It is impossible for me to be all things to all children at the same time
I am failing everyone
And I hate myself
I sometimes think we might all be better off if I go back to teaching
And the children go to school
If it was just Esther, William and I it would be easy
It would be more than manageable, it would be enjoyable
Inspiring even
But with the younger two in the mix we just cannot find a routine
A rhythm that works
And I am exhausted from trying
I literally feel like I have nothing left to give
A Shelter For Sadness, David C Litchfield
It has been a long relentless year
Of staying at home
And I think it has finally broken me
I am so ready for something different
Yet the world returning to normal terrifies me
I feel so on my own
Like no one really knows how I feel
And I am not aware of anyone that cares
I don’t want my children to grow up hating me
Because I am always the one that makes them work
I am always the one that makes Edie cry
Because she has to play on her own for a while
At the moment every day feels like a battle
I know in my head and my heart and in my plans on paper
How our days should be
But the reality is increasingly very different
I miss having colleagues
I miss working as a part of a team
I even miss being observed in the classroom
And having someone, anyone, tell me that I am doing okay
I miss having someone to talk to
To process my thoughts and worries with
I am too much inside my own head
And the only people who have any sense of anything
Who see me every day
Are my children
They get the best of me
Such as it is
And the worst of me
Right now they are in the garden
Caught up together in their amazing adventures
In some imaginary land that they have created together
And I am crying into my coffee
While trying to work out what on earth to do
No one could have predicted a pandemic
Maybe they could
But I don’t think many of us saw this past year coming
I certainly did not
I think on top of all the trauma from my life before
This year has just been too much
And while we have not been hugely affected by lockdowns
In the way that others have
I think I need to acknowledge that it has affected us mentally and emotionally
And I need to start planning some kind of exit strategy
From our village bound existence of the past 12 months
Just writing all of this has calmed me and made me see
That much of what I am feeling is pandemic fatigue
That needs processing and dealing with
So that I can see beyond bad days
And find a way to rebuild our life
I am writing this for sympathy or comment
I am writing this because I am fairly certain that I cannot be alone
In needing to express all of this
If this post speaks to you
Resonates with you
I see you
You are not alone x
I am not one to ever previously struggle with my mental health, always the optimist, the get up and do one, but this past year has got me down – before the children returned to school I felt very very much like you, I just didn’t want to do anything, and I couldn’t find the motivation to do even the simplist of things, my children were annoying me more than I ever thought possible, and I felt like i was failing at everything. It is hard. I have no support network, there is no one I can call up and off load, no one I can really say anything too at all, I felt the ties of my very small social circle pre pandemic upsetting, the fact we had very little means to travel anywhere on ‘normal’ no covid days didn’t mean I coped well with staying home, if anything it made my mental health heavier. I just couldn’t see any way of anything getting better. The children being back at school however has been hugely helpful! I feel a little more normal, things don’t seem quite as bleak. Things are still tough, I feel for my teens as they are also struggling, life is far from ‘great’ but it’s a bit better… I hope you find something to improve for you too… childrens after school activities can resume now can’t they? hopefully once your childrens much loved classes and other activities restart things will start to feel much better.
Thank you x You have described so well everything I have been feeling. Just sharing today has made me feel better. I think acknowledging that it is hard, has been so hard for all of us, has been helpful. I think things start opening up for us after Easter x Thank you again x