For me the novelty of lockdown has well and truly worn off

While there are many wonderful reasons to love time at home

With our children

To be honest I am struggling

Edie is really hard work at the moment

Just busy being two

Testing boundaries

I am finding dealing with her behaviour really hard

While the big two children are good at amusing themselves

For fairly long periods of time

Bea and Edie are not

Of course they are not

They are just little children

Bea is very emotional at the moment

Not a day passes when she is not crying

Or complaining something or everything hurts

I am utterly shattered

And while David is home

He is home and working

As much as it is possible to work

With four children running around

I spend so much time planning activities

Printing and creating resources

Trying to ensure I have something

For everyone to do if the need arises

But keeping up with the very short attention span of a two year old

Is a full time job

And I do not have that time

Alongside educating and parenting the older three

I feel incredibly thinly stretched at the moment

And there is no room in our busy family life for me to do what I need to do

What I want to do

I have had no time to process what is going on outside our four walls at all

Sometimes I feel just once in a while I would like to watch the news

And have a good cry

This situation is new for everyone

It is frustrating

Alien

And it is scary

I have no problem admitting that I am scared

Though I know it makes some people uncomfortable

To hear me say those words

I consider myself something of a veteran

At living through trauma

And this is exactly what that feels like

I feel like I am waiting to get sick

For David or the children to get sick

For it to be someone we know and care for

It feels like life has been paused while we wait for a thing

And no one is sure what that thing will be or what it will do

Or how it will end

I am scared that we are going to be in lockdown for a long time

But I think I am more terrified that the lockdown will be lifted too soon

Before we know more about protection and how we can better treat the virus

I do not want to be a part of herd immunity

I do not want that for my children

But at the same time I know that my mental health is starting to shred around the edges

I know that people need money and need to work

I appreciate that children need to go to school

That life has to return to some kind of normality

Even if it is a new normal

Another thing I am very accustomed to

Adjusting my expectations of what normal can be

I am struggling with the monotony of our day to day

Get up

Have breakfast

Learning time for a couple of hours

Make snack for everyone

Playtime

Make lunch for everyone

More play and activities

Go for a walk

Make tea for everyone

It just goes on and on

I miss driving my car with us all singing along to the music

I miss spending time with my older children without the little ones

I miss one on one time with my children

I miss time to write my blog

I miss having any income to work for

I miss my friends

I miss the small talk that I find so hard

I miss grabbing a coffee

I miss getting out and exploring with friends

I miss the theatre

I miss having any time for me when the children are all in classes

I miss the sea

This time of year is always a struggle for me

As we countdown to Tilda’s birthday

She should be 8 this year

Today we should be travelling to Coombe Mill

To enjoy the farm and visit the place where we set Tilda’s ashes sail

On her first birthday

I hate that has been taken away

People say that we are so blessed

And we are

But it is okay to be blessed and stressed

It is okay to be ‘privileged’ and still struggle

It is okay to feel lost and alone

It is okay to miss the life that has been snatched from us

It really is okay to not be okay

And to admit that we are exhausted and scared

I find food stressful at the moment

Getting a delivery is impossible

Going out to a shop feels like a real risk

Bringing groceries into the house feels dangerous

We spend ages washing the shopping

And it is a real trigger for me

It makes me think about the possibly severe implications of everything that we do

The virus frightens me

The competency of our government concerns me

The not knowing what we do or where we go from here frightens me

Lockdown is not fun

But not being in lockdown is a real worry for me

I am of the mind that we will not be going anywhere

Until there is a vaccine

The lack of information and guidance around this whole situation I find difficult

And though I do not really watch the news

I do stumble across things online

People who have been ill for over 30 days

With a respiratory version of Covid19

Or a horrific sounding gastric versions

I cannot be ill for over 30 days

Who would look after my children

Especially if David and I were poorly at the same time

I am so scared of the children getting ill

Especially Esther and William who were born so very premature

I worry that when the lockdown lifts it will not really be safe to go out

We will not feel safe

I think it might feel like leaving NICU

I worry that I will have forgotten how to be

I worry that the end of lockdown will be mishandled

By people being guided by the wrong priorities

I know that I sound crazy

But

On the whole I am doing okay

We are doing okay

We are surviving and from the outside looking in

Perhaps thriving

We fill our days with fun and play and learning

Any gaping gaps where we all just need to stop are plugged with TV

And we get out for a walk each and every day

Being allowed that daily walk out has truly been the saviour of my sanity thus far

And I know that the children enjoy it too

Something a little different

Somewhere a little different

Space to breathe and run

I know that I am lucky

To have a garden

To live in a rural location

To have the food we need

To have our health

I know that we are blessed

And I am so incredibly grateful

But I am also finding this time hard

And that is okay

It really is okay to not be okay