I have been thinking a lot lately
About grief
About how it affects my life
And the lives of those around me
David and I grieve very differently
David is very private
He sleeps, exercises and builds amazing things
I cannot sleep
I write and I panic
I overthink everything
I am very open in my grief
I think as a couple we are often misunderstood
Because I struggle outwardly
And David does not
I think it can be assumed that he is okay
And I am not
The he is not sad, that he does not struggle
But I do
David rarely talks about Matilda
Even to me
Where as I talk about her all the time
To anyone who will listen
This does not mean that one of us loves her more
Or misses her less
It simply means that we show our feelings differently
We grieve differently
If David and I miss a family occasion
It is, I think
Thought that I am too sad to go
That I find it too hard
And David is supporting my decision
And that is not always the case
David is the strong one
The silent one
But he is hurting too
He is grieving too
It really upsets me that people find it so hard to understand us
But at the same time I am glad that people do not understand
I would not wish losing a baby on anyone
I would never wish this journey on anyone
What has all this got to do about books and reading?
You may ask
Well …
The one thing that I really worry about
Continually worry about
Is our living children
Grief is hard for grown ups to understand
It is almost impossible for children to comprehend
Even those who have been bereaved themselves
I am very open with my children
They have seen me
And their Daddy
Display almost every emotion under the sun
And I talk to them about how losing Tilda
Has changed my life
The way I think think and feel
I talk to them about heaven and angels and stars
They understand why I might make different difficult decisions about our lives
I am a fiercely protective mama bear
Overly anxious about illness and health
They know I panic and worry
And they know why I do
Because they live with it
And Esther and William feel some of it too
They are on their own grief journey
After losing their baby sister
And much like David and I
Though they are twins they grieve quite differently from one another
They ask questions a lot of the time
About Tilda
What happened
Why she died
They ask what she was like
And we often talk together about what she might be like now
I am confident that through frank and open discussion
With my children
I can help them make sense
Of life without Tilda
And when I cannot find my own words
I turn to books
One very powerful way of explaining loss and grief to children
Is through the written word and illustrations
Through books
I have used books so many times on our grief journey
To answer a question
Start a conversation
To help them try to understand something new
A new feeling
A new event
There is power and beauty in picture books
That can sometimes tell
Exactly what we need to say
In a gentle detached way
Without it being too invasive
Too intense
I wrote a blog post a while back
Sharing the books I have found valuable
When talking to children about grief and loss
And babyloss in particular
In this post I want to share some books
That I think illustrate the ongoing grief journey
And the pursuit of happiness that comes after loss
This has been prompted by BookTrust and their Time To Read campaign
New research from BookTrust, the UK’s largest children’s reading charity
Finds that only just over half of children (51 per cent) aged between 8 – 11
Actually speak with their parents when they are feeling stressed, sad or worried
And a staggering 44% per cent say that they try to forget about the problem
Or don’t say anything and deal with it themselves
The research highlights the importance of reading for children’s mental health
Coming as the charity is set to give out over 700,000 free copies
Of Rob Hodgson’s laugh-out-loud picture book ‘The Cave’ to every school starter in England
Reading with children is so important
It is more than sharing words and pictures
It is a time for connection
Conversation
A time for letting them know you are there
That you will try to understand
Also a time for you to carefully choose books
That offer them a way to start talking
Provide them with the words or context they need to talk
To share
Making time to read is so important
And the right books are brilliant tools
For encouraging open discussion
These are some of the books I read with my own children
To help them understand loss and grief
To help them understand some of my actions and feelings
As well as their own
LOVE YOU FOREVER
WRITTEN BY ROBERT MUNSCH
ILLUSTRATED BY SHEIL McGRAW
One thing I want my children to know
Is that no matter what they do
No matter where they go
No matter how big they grow
I will love them always
Forever
This is a book we read often
And I will sing them the words as I say goodnight
I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be
I always then reassure them
That even when I am dead and gone
Or they are
I will love them still
Just as I love our Tilda
TEAR SOUP
WRITTEN BY PAT SCHWIEBERT AND CHUCK DEKLYEN
ILLUSTRATED BY TAYLOR BILLS
This book Tear Soup is a book that helps to explain grief being complicated and taking time
By comparing it to making soup
This book helps to explain that people all find grief hard
People find it hard to support others who are grieving
Loss comes with lots of secondary losses
This is such a multi layered book and it has powerful words and pictures for readers of all ages
Esther returns to this book over and over
It helps her and the pages she likes best are when the grieving lady’s best friend comes round
The special friend just knows what to do
Esther says when we she reads the page
“This lady is just like Chele, Mummy.”
Chele is my best friend
Esther has taken what she needed from this book
No matter how bad things get
Real friends will be there
No matter what
Being a friend to a grieving person can be hard
I think this book will help Esther be an amazing friend as she grows
I am already in awe of her emotional intelligence
She is a little girl with a huge compassionate heart
THE INVISIBLE STRING
WRITTEN BY PATRICE KARST
ILLUSTRATED BY GEOFF STEVENSON
This is a beautiful book
Written for children who may be anxious leaving their parents
Perhaps starting nursery or school
This simple story reminds children and adults
That they are never alone
We read this together
To remind each other
That even when life is crazy
We love each other no matter what
We are always connected
Even to Baby Tilda in the sky
I can see us reading this for year’s to come
I can imagine packing a copy in their suitcase
When they go off to university
Or to travel the world
THE DRAGONFLY STORY
WRITTEN BY KELLY OWEN
ILLUSTRATED BY HELEN BRAID
Over the last six years I have had so many questions
From Esther and William
Where is Tilda, mummy?
Why don’t you go and get her?
Why can’t you climb up to the sky and bring her home?
Heartbreaking questions that are just so hard to answer
We have explored our ideas of Tilda’s heaven
Through art and through play
But often the best way is with a book
The Dragonfly Story
Written by a bereaved mother
For her children
Tries to explain death and the concept of heaven
Using an adaptation of the popular fable
Of how brown bugs transform into beautiful dragonflies
How when they leave the pond
They cannot return
YOU ARE STARDUST
BY ELIN KELSEY
ARTWORK BY SOYEON KIM
When we are missing Matilda Mae
We read You Are Stardust
To remind ourselves
That she is in all of us
As we were all a part of her
This is a book about creation and connections
This is a book to inspire awe and wonder
This is a book that tells how we are all made of stars
The simple poetic text is easy to read
And a joy to read out loud
The illustrations are stunning
A perfect book for sharing
And introducing the idea
That we are all connected
PERRY PANDA
BY HELEN BASHFORD
AND RUSSELL SCOTT SKINNER
Sometimes grief presents as sadness, anxiety panic, anger, fear
Sometimes I react in ways that others find almost impossible to understand
What I want my children to know is that when I am sad or angry
It is not because of them
It is not anything that they have done
Perry Panda is great for this
It is a story for young children
To help them understand depression in a parent
But it works brilliantly for explaining outbursts
On a grief journey too
NO MATTER WHAT
DEBI GLIORI
Sometimes children need reassurance
We all do
We need to know in the midst of a tricky situation
At the end of a long day
That we are loved
No Matter What
When we sense our children feeling this
It can be the perfect time to make Time To Read
A snuggle and a story can go a long way
In comforting, reassuring, reaffirming
A book can be a huge hug
And a resounding I love you
No Matter What is the perfect loving cuddle
The perfect hug of reassurance
It is super special for us as it was Tilda’s final story
Read out by David at the crematorium
It was our way of telling her and everyone else
That will we love our baby in the sky for always
No Matter What
THE HEART AND THE BOTTLE
OLIVER JEFFERS
This is a beautiful illustration
Of how complex grief can be
How overwhelming the feelings can get
How old or young you just do not know what to do
With the splintered shards of a broken heart
In this story a little girl loses her Daddy
And her heart hurts so much
She does not know what to do
She shuts it away
Her heart, her hurt, her anger, her confusion
Her curiosity, her wonder, her love
Only when she is able to open her heart again
Can she begin to find peace and happiness
And again be able to find awe and wonder in the world
This is a tender tale of loss and love
That helps to explain that grieving is complicated
And all consuming
And healing of any kind takes patience and time
I love sharing this with my children
When our days have not gone as we hoped
It helps us to know that it is okay to not be okay
We can always help each other find our way out of a hole
If one of us cannot see a way out
Perhaps another one of us can
LIGHTS ON COTTON ROCK
DAVID LITCHFIELD
This stunning book caught me completely off guard in the library the other day
A science fiction story, I thought
Ooooh William might like this
I opened it up at the library
Started to read
And soon found myself crying silent tears
I have tried to read this out loud to my children
And end up sobbing every time
And that is okay
Because they then ask me why I am crying
Which allows me to explain
Lights On Cotton Rock is about a little girl
Who longs to live among the stars
She makes friends with an alien
They have a very short time together
And then her alien friend disappears
The little girl keeps longing for her friend from the stars
She keeps returning to their special place
As she grows into a young woman and an older woman
She keeps going back
At long last her friend returns
And offers to take her away
She almost goes
Until thinking about her family on Earth
Realising that she cannot go and live among the stars
When so many here love her and need her
This really got to me
Ever since Tilda died
I have wondered if it would be better if I had gone with her
If even now I should follow her
And the reasons I am still here
Still carrying on carrying on
Is because of my little family
Because as much as I love and long for Tilda
Each and every day
I love my living children too much
To live among the stars
And that is what I want my children to know
That even at the hardest darkest times
I will always stay
I will always be here
Because they are here
And they love me and need me
Just as I love and need them
This is a very clever
Incredibly beautiful book
Showing that what we are looking for
Is almost always closer than we think
WAITING FOR WOLF
SANDRA DIECKMANN
Waiting for Wolf by Sandra Dieckman is just beautiful
The words and illustrations are so powerful
They explain the pain of grief so well
And the hope
That must come after loss for life to continue
How it is okay to be happy even when we feel so so sad
It is impossible to read this story without crying
But I think it is important for children to see this too
Time To Read and to explore emotions
Is so important for our mental wellbeing
For the mental health in our children
Learning to recognise big feelings
Understanding how to feel with a wide range of emotions
Books provide a window onto the world
They can be used to highlight emotions and issues
Books tell so much more than the stories written and drawn on their pages
I hope that my children will always know that they can talk to me about anything
And if they cannot find the words themselves
Perhaps they could come and snuggle up with the right book