Time To Read About Grief and Living With Loss

I have been thinking a lot lately

About grief

About how it affects my life

And the lives of those around me

David and I grieve very differently

David is very private

He sleeps, exercises and builds amazing things

I cannot sleep

I write and I panic

I overthink everything

I am very open in my grief

I think as a couple we are often misunderstood

Because I struggle outwardly

And David does not

I think it can be assumed that he is okay

And I am not

The he is not sad, that he does not struggle

But I do

David rarely talks about Matilda

Even to me

Where as I talk about her all the time

To anyone who will listen

This does not mean that one of us loves her more

Or misses her less

It simply means that we show our feelings differently

We grieve differently

If David and I miss a family occasion

It is, I think

Thought that I am too sad to go

That I find it too hard

And David is supporting my decision

And that is not always the case

David is the strong one

The silent one

But he is hurting too

He is grieving too

It really upsets me that people find it so hard to understand us

But at the same time I am glad that people do not understand

I would not wish losing a baby on anyone

I would never wish this journey on anyone

What has all this got to do about books and reading?

You may ask

Well …

The one thing that I really worry about

Continually worry about

Is our living children

Grief is hard for grown ups to understand

It is almost impossible for children to comprehend

Even those who have been bereaved themselves

I am very open with my children

They have seen me

And their Daddy

Display almost every emotion under the sun

And I talk to them about how losing Tilda

Has changed my life

The way I think think and feel

I talk to them about heaven and angels and stars

They understand why I might make different difficult decisions about our lives

I am a fiercely protective mama bear

Overly anxious about illness and health

They know I panic and worry

And they know why I do

Because they live with it

And Esther and William feel some of it too

They are on their own grief journey

After losing their baby sister

And much like David and I

Though they are twins they grieve quite differently from one another

They ask questions a lot of the time

About Tilda

What happened

Why she died

They ask what she was like

And we often talk together about what she might be like now

I am confident that through frank and open discussion

With my children

I can help them make sense

Of life without Tilda

And when I cannot find my own words

I turn to books

One very powerful way of explaining loss and grief to children

Is through the written word and illustrations

Through books

I have used books so many times on our grief journey

To answer a question

Start a conversation

To help them try to understand something new

A new feeling

A new event

A new baby

There is power and beauty in picture books

That can sometimes tell

Exactly what we need to say

In a gentle detached way

Without it being too invasive

Too intense

I wrote a blog post a while back

Sharing the books I have found valuable

When talking to children about grief and loss

And babyloss in particular

In this post I want to share some books

That I think illustrate the ongoing grief journey

And the pursuit of happiness that comes after loss

This has been prompted by BookTrust and their Time To Read campaign

New research from BookTrust, the UK’s largest children’s reading charity

Finds that only just over half of children (51 per cent) aged between 8 – 11

Actually speak with their parents when they are feeling stressed, sad or worried

And a staggering 44% per cent say that they try to forget about the problem

Or don’t say anything and deal with it themselves

The research highlights the importance of reading for children’s mental health

Coming as the charity is set to give out over 700,000 free copies

Of Rob Hodgson’s laugh-out-loud picture book ‘The Cave’ to every school starter in England

Reading with children is so important

It is more than sharing words and pictures

It is a time for connection

Conversation

A time for letting them know you are there

That you will try to understand

Also a time for you to carefully choose books

That offer them a way to start talking

Provide them with the words or context they need to talk

To share

Making time to read is so important

And the right books are brilliant tools

For encouraging open discussion

These are some of the books I read with my own children

To help them understand loss and grief

To help them understand some of my actions and feelings

As well as their own

LOVE YOU FOREVER
WRITTEN BY ROBERT MUNSCH
ILLUSTRATED BY SHEIL McGRAW

One thing I want my children to know

Is that no matter what they do

No matter where they go

No matter how big they grow

I will love them always

Forever

This is a book we read often

And I will sing them the words as I say goodnight

I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be

I always then reassure them

That even when I am dead and gone

Or they are

I will love them still

Just as I love our Tilda

forever

TEAR SOUP
WRITTEN BY PAT SCHWIEBERT AND CHUCK DEKLYEN
ILLUSTRATED BY TAYLOR BILLS

This book Tear Soup is a book that helps to explain grief being complicated and taking time

By comparing it to making soup

This book helps to explain that people all find grief hard

People find it hard to support others who are grieving

Loss comes with lots of secondary losses

This is such a multi layered book and it has powerful words and pictures for readers of all ages

Esther returns to this book over and over

It helps her and the pages she likes best are when the grieving lady’s best friend comes round

The special friend just knows what to do

Esther says when we she reads the page

“This lady is just like Chele, Mummy.”

Chele is my best friend

Esther has taken what she needed from this book

No matter how bad things get

Real friends will be there

No matter what

Being a friend to a grieving person can be hard

I think this book will help Esther be an amazing friend as she grows

I am already in awe of her emotional intelligence

She is a little girl with a huge compassionate heart

THE INVISIBLE STRING
WRITTEN BY PATRICE KARST
ILLUSTRATED BY GEOFF STEVENSON

This is a beautiful book

Written for children who may be anxious leaving their parents

Perhaps starting nursery or school

This simple story reminds children and adults

That they are never alone

We read this together

To remind each other

That even when life is crazy

We love each other no matter what

We are always connected

Even to Baby Tilda in the sky

I can see us reading this for year’s to come

I can imagine packing a copy in their suitcase

When they go off to university

Or to travel the world

THE DRAGONFLY STORY
WRITTEN BY KELLY OWEN
ILLUSTRATED BY HELEN BRAID

Over the last six years I have had so many questions

From Esther and William

Where is Tilda, mummy?

Why don’t you go and get her?

Why can’t you climb up to the sky and bring her home?

Heartbreaking questions that are just so hard to answer

We have explored our ideas of Tilda’s heaven

Through art and through play

But often the best way is with a book

The Dragonfly Story

Written by a bereaved mother

For her children

Tries to explain death and the concept of heaven

Using an adaptation of the popular fable

Of how brown bugs transform into beautiful dragonflies

How when they leave the pond

They cannot return

YOU ARE STARDUST
BY ELIN KELSEY
ARTWORK BY SOYEON KIM

stardust

When we are missing Matilda Mae

We read You Are Stardust

To remind ourselves

That she is in all of us

As we were all a part of her

This is a book about creation and connections

This is a book to inspire awe and wonder

This is a book that tells how we are all made of stars

The simple poetic text is easy to read

And a joy to read out loud

The illustrations are stunning

A perfect book for sharing

And introducing the idea

That we are all connected

PERRY PANDA
BY HELEN BASHFORD
AND RUSSELL SCOTT SKINNER

perry-pnd

Sometimes grief presents as sadness, anxiety panic, anger, fear

Sometimes I react in ways that others find almost impossible to understand

What I want my children to know is that when I am sad or angry

It is not because of them

It is not anything that they have done

Perry Panda is great for this

It is a story for young children

To help them understand depression in a parent

But it works brilliantly for explaining outbursts

On a grief journey too

NO MATTER WHAT
DEBI GLIORI

Sometimes children need reassurance

We all do

We need to know in the midst of a tricky situation

At the end of a long day

That we are loved

No Matter What

When we sense our children feeling this

It can be the perfect time to make Time To Read

A snuggle and a story can go a long way

In comforting, reassuring, reaffirming

A book can be a huge hug

And a resounding I love you

No Matter What is the perfect loving cuddle

The perfect hug of reassurance

It is super special for us as it was Tilda’s final story

Read out by David at the crematorium

It was our way of telling her and everyone else

That will we love our baby in the sky for always

No Matter What

THE HEART AND THE BOTTLE
OLIVER JEFFERS

This is a beautiful illustration

Of how complex grief can be

How overwhelming the feelings can get

How old or young you just do not know what to do

With the splintered shards of a broken heart

In this story a little girl loses her Daddy

And her heart hurts so much

She does not know what to do

She shuts it away

Her heart, her hurt, her anger, her confusion

Her curiosity, her wonder, her love

Only when she is able to open her heart again

Can she begin to find peace and happiness

And again be able to find awe and wonder in the world

This is a tender tale of loss and love

That helps to explain that grieving is complicated

And all consuming

And healing of any kind takes patience and time

I love sharing this with my children

When our days have not gone as we hoped

It helps us to know that it is okay to not be okay

We can always help each other find our way out of a hole

If one of us cannot see a way out

Perhaps another one of us can

LIGHTS ON COTTON ROCK
DAVID LITCHFIELD

This stunning book caught me completely off guard in the library the other day

A science fiction story, I thought

Ooooh William might like this

I opened it up at the library

Started to read

And soon found myself crying silent tears

I have tried to read this out loud to my children

And end up sobbing every time

And that is okay

Because they then ask me why I am crying

Which allows me to explain

Lights On Cotton Rock is about a little girl

Who longs to live among the stars

She makes friends with an alien

They have a very short time together

And then her alien friend disappears

The little girl keeps longing for her friend from the stars

She keeps returning to their special place

As she grows into a young woman and an older woman

She keeps going back

At long last her friend returns

And offers to take her away

She almost goes

Until thinking about her family on Earth

Realising that she cannot go and live among the stars

When so many here love her and need her

This really got to me

Ever since Tilda died

I have wondered if it would be better if I had gone with her

If even now I should follow her

And the reasons I am still here

Still carrying on carrying on

Is because of my little family

Because as much as I love and long for Tilda

Each and every day

I love my living children too much

To live among the stars

And that is what I want my children to know

That even at the hardest darkest times

I will always stay

I will always be here

Because they are here

And they love me and need me

Just as I love and need them

This is a very clever

Incredibly beautiful book

Showing that what we are looking for

Is almost always closer than we think

WAITING FOR WOLF
SANDRA DIECKMANN

Waiting for Wolf by Sandra Dieckman is just beautiful

The words and illustrations are so powerful

They explain the pain of grief so well

And the hope

That must come after loss for life to continue

How it is okay to be happy even when we feel so so sad

It is impossible to read this story without crying

But I think it is important for children to see this too

Time To Read and to explore emotions

Is so important for our mental wellbeing

For the mental health in our children

Learning to recognise big feelings

Understanding how to feel with a wide range of emotions

Books provide a window onto the world

They can be used to highlight emotions and issues

Books tell so much more than the stories written and drawn on their pages

I hope that my children will always know that they can talk to me about anything

And if they cannot find the words themselves

Perhaps they could come and snuggle up with the right book

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