My anxiety is crippling me at the moment

I feel like I am drowning

I feel like I am falling

And there is no one and nothing to break my fall

I feel on my own

Alone

I feel like I am on the outside

Unable to get inside

I feel like I am crying out for help

But no one is listening

Like I am screaming

But no one can hear me

No one wants to hear me

Because it is far better to just believe I am okay

That I will get over it

And everything will be okay

I feel like the spring is coiled so tightly

That even though it is solid and strong

It may snap

And be forever broken

It is carrying too much weight

Being pushed beyond its limits

But because it has always been okay before

It will just keep on keeping on

I am irritable

Impatient

Short tempered

I loathe myself

Want to shut myself away

Curl up in a ball and cry

Driving is an issue

I am back to only driving the very familiar routes I know

I have been so naive for so long

Thinking life would always just be okay

I had no idea everything would be so hard

So relentless

A never ending cycle of problems and heartache

And no time to breathe

Because in spite of all the inner turmoil

I do like the spring

Keep keeping on

The children are fed

They go to all their classes

They do all their work

They are happy in their play

They see their friends

They do all the amazing things that I arrange for them

And take them to

There is no option but to keep on keeping on

But I feel like I am dying inside

I feel like I am just a machine

Going through the motions

Making their world a magical one

But where is my joy

Where are the people doing nice things for me?

I feel like I am just a mother

And nothing else

No one else

And while I love being a mummy

I just always thought maybe there would be more

It would be more

It would feel less lonely

I am so tired

It has been a long ten years

Fertility investigations

Fertility treatment

Births

Deaths

Miscarriages

Prematurity

Grief

I am tired and I need a rest

A break

Some happiness

Some gratitude

Some nurturing

I need to breathe

But for now

I will make a coffee

Set up the tuff spot

Make the snacks

Change the nappies

Sort the clothes

Plan the lessons

Do what needs doing to get through the day

With four small people who need me

And a fifth who I miss

With all my heart

Because that is what mummies do

Acknowledge we are hurting

Say that we are struggling

Then carry on regardless

Because what else is there to do?

My anxiety is crippling me at the moment

I feel like I am drowning

I feel like I am falling

And there is no one and nothing to break my fall

I feel on my own

Alone

I feel like I am on the outside

Unable to get inside

I feel like I am crying out for help

But no one is listening

Like I am screaming

But no one can hear me

No one wants to hear me

Because it is far better to just believe I am okay

But I am not okay

And that is okay

It is okay to not be okay

ps – I am okay

Sometimes I just need to get it out

Let it out

Even if no one if no one is listening