It has been a long time since I wrote anything personal on my blog

I have been struggling with my mental health for months now

Years really

In troughs and peaks

But life has felt particularly hard over the last few months

This time of year is always difficult

With Tilda’s anniversary casting a dark shadow

I am feeling very unsettled in my own skin

Very uneasy in my relationships

And very very alone in the world

I think that as more and more years pass

I feel ostracised by my grief

Even from my own family

And that is really hard

No one seems to understand me

And there have been moments

Conversations with others

When I have been doubting my own sanity

I am exhausted

For the longest time dealing with Tilda’s death

Was all consuming

As the years go by

And my mind begins to open a little

Instead of letting in light and happiness

It is remembering all the horror that came before Tilda died

Nightmares, emotion and pain

That losing Tilda blocked out

The emotional turmoil of infertility

The rollercoaster of IVF

The grief of all our failed cycles

The potential life lost

The horror of nearly dying at 25 weeks pregnant

The terror of almost losing the twins

Living through 59 days of NICU and SCBU

Never knowing what we might find as we walked through those hospital doors

Bringing tiny fragile 4lb babies home

The long months of isolation to keep our babies alive

The friendships made and lost

The living with constant anxiety and fear

Having Tilda

Loving Tilda

The challenges of being a mummy of three children under 2

I see so many people on social media

In life

Struggling

Their life is so hard because they have a new baby

They are juggling two babies

They are battling infertility

Because they have lost a baby

Because they are parenting twins

And I always feel empathy

Sympathy

Understanding

Because I have been in their shoes

So many different pairs of shoes

What I do not do

And what I should do

Is cut myself some slack

Give myself a break

Realise that I am doing okay

Because I have survived all these things

And in the process I am raising four beautiful children

While mourning our fifth

Instead of thinking how brilliant others are coping

Or at least as well as

I wish I could see how brilliant I am

I battled infertility and I am here

I had five cycles of IVF / ICSI and I am here

I almost died while pregnant with twins and I am here

I sat by the incubator side of two of my babies for 59 days and I am here

I parented premature twins, still parent them, and I am here

I had three children under two and I am here

My baby died and I am here

I had two miscarriages and I am here

I had two pregnancies after loss and I am here

I have a daughter with severe dyslexia, possible dyspraxia, dyscalculia and ADD and I am here

I have a son who most likely has High Functioning ASD and I am here

I have an incredibly emotional and strong willed toddler and I am here

I have a young toddler who feels no need for sleep and I am here

I home educate my children with all their very different complex needs

And I am here

I am here

I am keeping on keeping on

I may struggle

I may lose it some days

But quite honestly

Is it any wonder?

I need to learn how to accept

That life has thrown us some HUGE curve balls

And we have survived

As a family unit

We are still together

We are still standing

We are here

It might be only just some days

We might be hanging on by the tiniest of threads some days

But we are here

And these are only the biggest issues

Not the other niggling problems

Not the money worries

Not the logistics of life with four

These are the biggest of our problems

That gnaw away and make all the smaller problems seem so much bigger than they are

This post is for me

For me to read and think

How can one family go through so much?

But we did

We do

And we are here

It has been 10 years this year

Of pretty much constant challenge and heartache

Devastating lows on the horizon of every high

And yes we are blessed with our beautiful children

But my goodness we have paid for them

Financially, emotionally, physically

And I would never change them for the world

But parenting has not been what I thought it would be

It is without question the hardest thing I have ever done

And I really do struggle with the feeling of failing

I just want to do my best for all my children

And sometimes with the day to day that feels so hard

I hope that as they grow

My children will know

How much I adore them

How I would do anything for them

I would lay down my life for them

And have

Time and time again

I am rambling

I feel like I have not said what I wanted to say

Like I never quite do

Ugh!

This time of year is so difficult

With Tilda’s anniversary casting a dark shadow

A cloud on every single lining

I am feeling very unsettled in my own skin

Very uneasy in my relationships

Very alone in the world

But you know what?

I am here!

I am here x