Christmas is upon us

5 sleeps until Christmas Eve

My children are counting down the hours

William and Bea are especially hyper

Christmas is very slowly creeping into the house

But we are not yet decorated

We have a tree

But no lights or baubles

We have done lots of festive things

Had magical Christmas experiences

But I am really struggling to bring Christmas into our home

We have done lots of creative Christmas play

Watched festive telly

And completed Christmas crafts

I am just not feeling it this year

I think there are a whole host of reasons

Life has not felt easy recently

I feel very lonely and tired

I am struggling

PTSD and anxiety have both reared their heads I fear

And some days I feel like I am drowning in grief

My missing Tilda is very physical at the moment

My chest is heavy

I am getting a lot of headaches

And I feel like I would just like to shut down

And shut the world out

I miss my baby girl so much this year

Christmas is always hard

But this year feels especially so

Maybe it is because Tilda would have been 6 years old

She would have been so excited for Christmas

I always wonder when buying gifts what she would have liked this year

I always wonder when buying coordinating outfits

What I would have dressed Tilda in this year

I wonder what all of our lives would be like now

If our daughter had not died

I feel her absence so much this year

I would give anything to have her here

I also think I am struggling because Edie is the exact age Tilda would have been

On her second Christmas

Christmas 2013

Our very first without her

I am finding that very hard to process

Edie is so amazing

And it makes me realise all that we have missed out on

We did not just lose our baby when Tilda died

We lost the little girl that she would have become

And that loss is incredibly raw this year

I have put so much energy into making advent awesome

I think I have been trying to make sure I do not have time to sit and think

And now that I have it

I feel like my heart is breaking

And I cannot shake the sadness

I know I will

As I always do

Put on a fake face

And get through Christmas

Make it magical for our living children

But I am really struggling with Christmas this year

And as December races by

I am all too aware that February is coming

And a whole other year will have passed without our baby girl

2019 will be six years since Tilda died

The year she would have turned 7

So much has happened these past six years

And yet I cannot believe that so much time has passed since she died

It makes no sense to me

This Christmas

I also have this overwhelming feeling

That I am wasting my life

And all too soon it will be over

And I will have lost my life

In a fog of misery and bitterness

Anxiety and grief

And my living children will never have seen the best of me

That is playing on my mind this Christmas too

I am struggling with Christmas this year

Tears are falling instead of snow

Tears are falling