Five years ago today

This photograph was taken

Our beautiful second daughter

Matilda Mae

She was about to turn 9 months

And I was feeling all the feels

About her being outside

For as long as she had been in

She was our miracle baby

Naturally conceived

Though the twins were the result

Of five gruelling rounds of IVF ICSI

She was the baby who healed my birth trauma

Being born healthy on her due date

And able to go home in time for tea

So different to the premature birth of the twins

And their 59 days in NICU

She was my baby

The one that looked most like me

Throughout her 9 months on earth

She was mostly with me

Exclusively breastfed

We were one

And though most people knew her for 9 months

She had been part of me for 18

This day 5 years ago though

It is clear to see how much she meant to all of us

She was changing from baby to toddler

Becoming a more active part of our team

She was one of us

She was ours

We had no idea that in just 5 days time

On the night she turned 9 months

She would die

There would be no warning

No chance for goodbye

She would be gone

One dreadful night I would lay her in her cot alive

And take her out of it dead

Sudden Infant Death

The night we found her sleeping

Something we live with for the rest of our life

Though the coroner found no cause of death

And assigned no blame

We will always wonder

What if?

Sudden Infant Death

SIDS is not when a baby suffocates or overheats

SIDS is not when a baby gets caught in a cot bumper or cord

SIDS is when no cause of death can be ascertained

It is a syndrome of exclusion

When every other reason has been discounted

SIDS is when a healthy baby dies

Suddenly and with no apparent cause

And it leaves behind a family torn apart

Left to grieve

Forever broken

Forever missing a vital piece of their puzzle

The day the coroner called

I made a pledge

And that is what the #matildamaegiveaway is all about

5 years on

Today I have made a pledge in your name Matilda Mae.

Today we have been given Matilda’s cause of death. SIDS. The coronor has told us categorically that Matilda did not suffocate under her blankets. They examined and reexamined looking for signs of suffocation and there were none. There is no known reason why she died. But it was not our fault and there was nothing we could have done. She died of the cruel unknown that is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and I pledge right now that I am going to do all I can to to raise money to fund research to find out why this things takes so many precious young lives including our beautiful daughter.

I will always honour your memory Matilda Mae and I will do everything I can to raise money to help fund research in to why beautiful healthy, happy babies like you have to die.

I miss you and I will do everything I can to find out why you had to die.

I cannot bring you back.

I cannot hold you in my arms.

I will never hear you speak or see you walk.

But this, this Matilda Mae, I can do.

And I promise you darling girl that I will.

I will.

And so

The giveaway

This year we are not raising money

But I do want to raise awareness of safer sleep

Highlight the ongoing awesome work of

The Lullaby Trust

And say thank you

To the brands who have supported us since Tilda died

And helped us raise our rainbows

We are very excited about the coming month

And working with some amazing baby brands

Who have come together to remember Matilda Mae

By offering YOU some amazing prizes to win

I think we have enough brands to offer a giveaway a day

From now until the anniversary of Tilda’s funeral

I love this because

From now til then is just the most hideous time of year for me

I am so glad to be busy

Doing something I love

And being able to shout Tilda’s name from my virtual rooftop

Every single day

Here is what you need to know about the

#matildamaegiveaway

The Matilda Mae Giveaway is actually a series of giveaways

They run from tomorrow until 7th March

There will be one giveaway started each day

Each giveaway will run for 5 days

The giveaways are on Instagram

To enter you must be following Edspire, the brand and The Lullaby Trust

You must tag a friend in the comments

You can tag as mabny friends as you like

Each tag is an entry

Winners will be notified by DM

Then announced on Instagram Stories

Prizes will be sent to the winners

Directly from the brands

Each day the giveaway will be put on my Instagram feed

I will also add a blog post about the featured brand each day

I also plan to talk about the brands on Insta Stories and on Facebook

Interwoven with the giveaways I will be retelling the story of when Tilda died

Highlighting the work of The Lullaby Trust

And discussing how we live with baby loss

How we have survived these last 5 years

Without our beautiful baby girl

The giveaways start tomorrow

With a brand we have used as a family for 7 years

A brand that have supported The Lullaby Trust for over 15 years

The #matildamae giveaway starts tomorrow with

The Gro Company!

If you would like to donate to The Lullaby Trust

In Matilda Mae’s name

You can do so here

Please do enter the giveaways

And support us in remembering Tilda over the coming weeks

Thank you as always

For remembering our baby girl

And saying her name