I have always known this bit would be hard
As we countdown to Tilda’s birthday
And the birth of our last baby
Lost babies and last babies
Are a powerful recipe for emotional turmoil
Throw my living children into the mix
The fact I am housebound without a car
Have not a penny to my name
And I feel quite a lot like I am going crazy
I have been wary of writing this post
In case one of my friendly readers
Decided to call the NSPCC
But today is London Marathon Day
And inspired by the Heads Together campaign
I know that it is #okaytosay
It is more than okay
It is what we all need to do
Talking is healthy
Recognising our issues and facing them is healthy
Grief is never going to be easy
And pretending that all is a okay
Is not going to do anyone any good
So here I am
Two sleeps away from being 38 weeks pregnant
And I am struggling
Once again circumstances have found a way
Of making things harder than they need to be for David and I
David says we do it to ourselves too
The easy thing to do
Would be send the children to school
For David to get a 9 to 5 job
But instead we homeschool
David runs his own business
And sometimes the combination of those
And random things
Like rats writing off my car
Come together and strike us down
But do you know what we always get back up
And soldier on
And the good far outweighs the bad
Most days
Most days
This week has been tough
And the next week will be too
May is coming
The month of our Matilda Mae
That will soon be shared in some way
By our Sprinkle of Stardust
I have always known that this time would be hard
It has come around so fast
I wrote this on Facebook this morning
Which quite neatly sums up how I feel
I am feeling very trapped at the moment. My car was written off by troublesome rats chewing through the wires so I cannot get out and about. David has his car but we cannot all fit in it. I literally cannot leave my house and it is so frustrating. Because I can only drive automatic and David’s car is manual I cannot take the children to their classes. Thankfully David and his Mum are able to help out but I just feel useless. I have less than two weeks til baby comes and I am in a position where I cannot have any time to myself, something I am feeling like I would really like at the moment. I cannot go shopping for Tilda’s party, I cannot take any of the children anywhere, I cannot do anything. It is lovely living in the countryside apart from when you have no vehicle. Our village does not have a shop, the park is not safe for young children as it has not been updated since the 70s. I have tried very hard to be patient but this morning my patience is waning fast. David has taken the twins swimming and I am at home with Bea, she wants to play and I just want to have some time. The only way I can make time for myself is by ignoring my children. Which is obviously not possible to do. I am coming up to the toughest part of this pregnancy as we count down to baby’s due date and Tilda’s birthday which are only days apart. We are having a party a week today for Tilda and so David is spending every spare minute doing work on the garden and the house. I am feeling very on my own and very emotional. People say that grief gets easier with time but it really doesn’t. Every year there is a new aspect of losing Tilda to deal with, a new milestone she has missed, a new sibling she should be waiting to meet, a new obstacle or hurdle for David and I to cross. Each year our grief is different but 4 years on from losing our baby girl and it is not easier.
Rubbish!
But tomorrow is a new day
Bea is at preschool in the morning
Which means I can do some fun learning with Esther and William
They want to learn about the water cycle and life cycles
We made a start today with books
So will do some practical science and craft tomorrow
While Bea is away
I have a growth scan on Wednesday
The last one
Hopefully this will not throw up any issues
And then we can just countdown to induction day
Pregnancy wise
I am feeling okay really
I was at the midwife on Wednesday
My hb levels are back up to 11
(Thank you Spatone)
So I can stop worrying so much about needing a blood transfusion
The midwife thinks that baby is 3/5 engaged
Which would fit with how I am feeling
Lots of pressure low down
And movements seem much lower than before
On Wednesday I had a few tightenings
And felt very off
Just unable to concentrate on anything
I lost my appetite
And was quite worried that she might be coming then
With the worry there was also excitement
As now we are term I am just desperate to meet our little girl
And to have her here safely in my arms
The feeling passed though
And all day Thursday I was fine
Then on Friday I think the baby dropped lower again
And in doing so knocked my back out
Which meant that I was struggling to stand up straight
Or to walk
I was not very mobile at all
And again wondered if things were beginning to happen
But I think that a lot of both days
Was just wishful thinking
Here I am on Sunday evening
Still full of baby
If anything she feels higher up than she has been
And the pressure seems to have eased
Even so I have now updated my birth plan
Added an extra couple of things to my hospital bags
Sorted out the car seat for bringing our lady home
And I feel like I am ready
These last few weeks
The waiting game is just awful
And with Tilda’s birthday
And her party
In the midst of the countdown
I am finding it very hard to relax
I have not taken any bump photos recently
Mostly because I have not left the house
So have been slobbing in leggings and baggy tops
I will try to get a few pretty pictures this week
Before it is too late
And my last ever bump is gone
One thing all the physical affects of this week
Have cemented in my mind
Is that this is my last pregnancy
That this little girl will be our last baby
I just hope that within all the chaos of our wonderful life
I am able to find some time to enjoy her
What a rambly ranty post
Thank you so much if you have read to the end
Please please stick with me for the next couple of weeks
I think I am going to need some virtual hands to hold
If not some shoulders to cry on
I am really looking forward to Tilda’s party on Sunday
Though we still have so much to do to be ready for it
I do love a barn dance
And I do so love people coming together to remember and honour our baby girl
Our forever baby who next week would be turning 5
I have always known this bit would be hard
As we countdown to Tilda’s birthday
And the birth of our last baby
Lost babies and last babies
Are a powerful recipe for emotional turmoil
It’s no wonder that you are feeling emotional with all this going on. Sending you lots of good wishes to get you through the next couple of weeks x
You must be so emotional now what with the later stages of pregnancy and Tilda’s birthday approaching too. I know I have been pretty horrible to live with this last week especially, I’m just so tired and uncomfortable all the time, and yesterday kept bursting into tears for no apparent reason! I had in my head that baby might appear before school holidays ended, and I don’t know why as now I’m just disappoiinted it didn’t happen! Wishing you well in the last couple of weeks! x
Such an emotional post, it made me well up. I won’t say I understand because I don’t but I understand the feeling of wanting ‘me time’ at times when it’s impossible and as you know that it’s going to be nigh impossible to have time to yourself when the baby has arrived, I do empathise with your frustration. For me, I don’t have a toddler or young children demanding my attention and wanting to play but my youngest has autism and so there are days that are more difficult than others and that constant demand of my attention can be tiring.
My sanctuary is my evening bath. Every evening I run a warm, relaxing bath and take my book and read two chapters. It allows me to de-stress in the warmth of the water and lose myself in another world via my book. Everyone in the family knows that time is for me and not to interrupt.
I hope you can find a way of having some time just for you too.
As always I’ve blathered on but I’m sending many best wishes to you as these last days of pregnancy come and go and you finally get to welcome your new little girl. xxx