I am feeling very pregnant at the moment
Which is of course understandable as I am counting down now
To term at 37 weeks on Tuesday
It has been a tough few weeks here
Investigated by social services
No preschool or classes to go to
Pretty much housebound as we have had no car anyway
And continue to have no car
Feeling like a burden on everyone
Because of having no car
And realising that though four children
Here with us
Has always been the dream
It is going to be really hard work
And I think I am going to be very lonely
I am feeling incredibly lonely today
I know it is to do with the turmoil of pregnancy hormones
But also just a fact of life
My parents live in Spain
My sister lives in Derbyshire
I have one real life friend that I feel I can count on
And my husband
Getting out and about with no car is impossible from where we live
And now heavily pregnant and soon with a new baby
I don’t think I am going to feel like straying too far from home
Going anywhere for any length of time with four small children
Just me
Is going to be a logistical nightmare
At least to begin with until I get used to it
But I know that we cannot stay home all the time
That is not good for any of us
So I need to start formulating plans
And training Esther and William to be my helpers
Which to be fair they will love
But still today I am feeling a little overwhelmed
And a lot panicked
And I am wondering if we are crazy to have another baby
Really I just need someone to wrap their arms around me
Tell me they understand
That there will be tough days
But mostly I am going to be just fine
That I can do this
That I am a good mother
And come what may I will make this work
My life is such a complicated mess of emotion
I really think people have given up even trying to comprehend
Which brings me right back to loneliness
And wobbles
And trying to make a plan
So that I can convince myself that we are doing the right thing
And that we will be okay
I know that the next few weeks are going to be hard
I am incredibly pregnant
I am nervous about birth
I want our daughter here so much
But I know that there are many obstacles to navigate
And potential dangers to cross before we get to hold her and bring her home
It is also two weeks now til Tilda’s birthday
Our beautiful angel Matilda Mae should be five this year
And five years ago I was exactly this pregnant with her
I know that baby’s first nine months will be hard
As baby follows Tilda’s path
Hopefully reaching a very different destination
Hopefully being a baby who will stay with us
Grow up and old with us
Be the fourth child here with us
Complete our family
Be part of the dream
Our dream
What a tangled web of emotions pregnancy weaves
Hormones have a lot to answer for
They really truly do
Sending you a hug across cyberspace, Jennie. I remember wobbling like this when expecting no.1 baby with nothing else to juggle. It is impossible at this stage to think past the birth… but you will come on the other side and make the best of everything, like you always manage to do. Have faith in yourself… everyone out here has faith in you, Jennie. I can tell by the lovely comments that are posted. Rosie x (P.S. don’t forget to enjoy your time with your sister…)
I have no family living nearby either and that can be a struggle with only one child at times so I can only imagine how tricky it must be with three and soon four!
I’m sure you will be okay though. I’ve followed your blog long enough to know that you are a good mum and that your children are happy, well cared for little people.
Good luck with the next few weeks!
Jennie – a huge hug. Some days WILL be tougher than others but you WILL be ok. Any day when your children on earth have all been fed and all of your children everywhere have been loved is a success in my book, no matter what else happens.
Ps – my daughter was born at 36+3. That was a surprise! Xx
I have just packed my bags … just in case x