This week has been a long week
David away
People insistent on causing us unnecessary stress
Which has led to David and I fighting
And the children hearing!
Tilda’s anniversary
Battling headlice
It just been a long and exhausting week
And I am so tired
I love my children dearly
But I desperately need a break
I know that because I have not stopped crying now
For 24 hours
I hide it well in public places
But inside I am crying
And at home I cannot stop the tears from falling
I am finding it really hard to be mummy today
And to be honest
I think we will be mostly watching telly
And eating bad foods
And you can judge me all you like
But that is all I can do
Today anything more is too much
I feel suffocated
Struggling to breathe
I feel crowded
Touched out
I just want to curl up in a dark room
And cry
Parenting is a hard job
Whether we admit it or not we all have bad days
Parenting after loss
Can feel impossible some days
Today is one of those days
I am struggling to be mummy today
My children are so good
Esther is helping with Bea
She even tried to do her nappy and get her dressed this morning
They are happy to play independently
Go on their laptops
Or get on with art and craft
It is not ideal
But it is what it is
And it gives me a chance to just cry all the tears
And think my dark thoughts
And recharge my heart and soul a little
This time of year is never going to be easy
And to survive it on my own
I need to build up my defences
To make sure that I survive
I don’t want to be a mummy today
I want to be selfish
I want to be lazy
I want to rest
Recuperate
Refocus
Recharge
So that I can be a better mummy tomorrow
I would love to sit with a steaming mug of tea
Wrapped in a blanket all by myself
Eating chocolate
Reading a book
This is fantasy
I have not read a book since Tilda died
But I would like some time for me
To just be
My house is a mess
And I have no motivation to tidy it
I have no motivation at all today
I just want to do nothing
And not feel bad for doing nothing
For it would not actually be nothing
Because even when doing nothing
I am doing something
I am growing a tiny human you see
And grieving for my baby in the sky
And those things I do not ever get to turn off
Parenting after loss is so hard
Especially as people expect you to be the best parent ever
Because of the loss
Though in reality you find it more difficult than ever before
To find a balance
To make it right
Today is a bad day
But I know that tomorrow is coming
And I hope that tomorrow will be a better one
And after taking this day
To be selfish me
Rather than the best mummy I can be
I am hoping that tomorrow
I will be able to be a better mummy
Today I feel like shouting
Stop the world!
I want to get off!
I don’t want to be mummy today
I don’t have any advice so I can just say that I’m thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.
Jenny…. I really wish you could believe that you don’t have to be perfect! Setting aside your grief and depression for a moment, parenting is hard. It is especially hard when you are with your children 24/7. It is even harder when you are on your own with your children 24/7. No one can carry on like that without a break, however good the children are. You shouldn’t have to struggle on with no time at all for yourself. It is perfectly ok to tell the children that you need to sit with a cup of tea, and they are not to interrupt or demand attention. It won’t hurt them! And if David or another adult is in the house, then its perfectly ok to take yourself off for a while, even if its only to drive down the road and find somewhere to have a cry on your own. Or go to a coffee shop and have a latte….anything that appeals. You are a good mum, everyone can see that but you. Try and put yourself first occasionally. Its not selfish, its not being a bad mum, its necessary! I’m a mum of “children” older than you, and I know what I’m talking about! I just wish I could convince you.
With love xxx
Everyone deserves a day off and rarely gets one with a young family in tow. Paw patrol to the rescue, chill, eat the chocolate, recoupe your energies for the days ahead. You are doing great and you’ve got this.
Parenting is hard work at the best of times for anyone but throw grief, hormones, toddlers and twins into the mix it is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.
I am sorry if I added to your stress yesterday at the supermarket. I can be impulsive sometimes. All part of the new normal I suppose but wanted to say hello. It was lovely to meet you and your beautiful rainbow Bea. X
No judging from over here. A messy house can still be one in which children thrive, and they know love from actions not from how long you spend with them. You need to take time for yourself, and your pain is of course totally understandable. Hugs to you xx
Oh Jennie, sending massive hugs lovely.
Hey it is OK to have a off day, to take time out, it makes our children more independent and realise that all is not perfect in the world., but that caring for others is a good thing.
You have been through so much, so many highs and lows, the loss of your beautiful Tilda something no one could of seen, but you know something most day you are the best Mummy in the world, so your children will say.
For your children will love you always no matter what, have a duvet, film fest day, it will not be a bad thing, eat junk enjoy it.
For tomorrow will be here soon enough.
I suffer depression at times, I have been on a real lull for the whole of January, decided to call it hibernation, ignored all emails, quit my role in the community(RA Chair), buy slowly & surely I will come out on a sunnier day, just not today and probably not tomorrow.
Sending big hugs x
you don’t have to be perfect to be a good Mum Jennie. You can be sad, or quiet, or lazy. I understand that it must feel as though you are wearing lead shoes some days and on those days that time crawls. But on those days, go with the slowness. Put on films, let the kids create chaos (being imaginative and playing is very good for them) and get out dor a walk when you can – fresh it helps.
Above all, no matter what you do or don’t do, don’t feel guilty. Your children are lovely and so are you xxx
No judging here. Whilst pregnant my boys have had far too much technology time, and not enough time with me, yesterday I just couldn’t function until lunch time (crying for no reason and pregnancy exhaustion after James working more than ever this month), my house is cluttered despite my best efforts. I hope the selfish day helped, it’s hard being a pregnant mum I’d imagine more so when grieving too, please don’t beat yourself up about it! xx
Whilst there’s nothing else I could add that hasn’t already been said by your lovely readers, I just wanted to let you know that I’m carrying you in my thoughts, Jennie.
You’re a great mum. That’s so clear from your blog and not because you sugar-coat it either as it’s such an honest blog.
Thinking of your beautiful Matilda also. I hope that you can restore a little of your equilibrium this coming week. xxx