I Cannot Mummy Today

This week has been a long week

David away

People insistent on causing us unnecessary stress

Which has led to David and I fighting

And the children hearing!

Tilda’s anniversary

Battling headlice

It just been a long and exhausting week

And I am so tired

I love my children dearly

But I desperately need a break

I know that because I have not stopped crying now

For 24 hours

I hide it well in public places

But inside I am crying

And at home I cannot stop the tears from falling

I am finding it really hard to be mummy today

And to be honest

I think we will be mostly watching telly

And eating bad foods

And you can judge me all you like

But that is all I can do

Today anything more is too much

I feel suffocated

Struggling to breathe

I feel crowded

Touched out

I just want to curl up in a dark room

And cry

Parenting is a hard job

Whether we admit it or not we all have bad days

Parenting after loss

Can feel impossible some days

Today is one of those days

I am struggling to be mummy today

My children are so good

Esther is helping with Bea

She even tried to do her nappy and get her dressed this morning

They are happy to play independently

Go on their laptops

Or get on with art and craft

It is not ideal

But it is what it is

And it gives me a chance to just cry all the tears

And think my dark thoughts

And recharge my heart and soul a little

This time of year is never going to be easy

And to survive it on my own

I need to build up my defences

To make sure that I survive

I don’t want to be a mummy today

I want to be selfish

I want to be lazy

I want to rest

Recuperate

Refocus

Recharge

So that I can be a better mummy tomorrow

I would love to sit with a steaming mug of tea

Wrapped in a blanket all by myself

Eating chocolate

Reading a book

This is fantasy

I have not read a book since Tilda died

But I would like some time for me

To just be

My house is a mess

And I have no motivation to tidy it

I have no motivation at all today

I just want to do nothing

And not feel bad for doing nothing

For it would not actually be nothing

Because even when doing nothing

I am doing something

I am growing a tiny human you see

And grieving for my baby in the sky

And those things I do not ever get to turn off

Parenting after loss is so hard

Especially as people expect you to be the best parent ever

Because of the loss

Though in reality you find it more difficult than ever before

To find a balance

To make it right

Today is a bad day

But I know that tomorrow is coming

And I hope that tomorrow will be a better one

And after taking this day

To be selfish me

Rather than the best mummy I can be

I am hoping that tomorrow

I will be able to be a better mummy

Today I feel like shouting

Stop the world!

I want to get off!

I don’t want to be mummy today

mummy monster

8 thoughts on “I Cannot Mummy Today

  1. Jenny…. I really wish you could believe that you don’t have to be perfect! Setting aside your grief and depression for a moment, parenting is hard. It is especially hard when you are with your children 24/7. It is even harder when you are on your own with your children 24/7. No one can carry on like that without a break, however good the children are. You shouldn’t have to struggle on with no time at all for yourself. It is perfectly ok to tell the children that you need to sit with a cup of tea, and they are not to interrupt or demand attention. It won’t hurt them! And if David or another adult is in the house, then its perfectly ok to take yourself off for a while, even if its only to drive down the road and find somewhere to have a cry on your own. Or go to a coffee shop and have a latte….anything that appeals. You are a good mum, everyone can see that but you. Try and put yourself first occasionally. Its not selfish, its not being a bad mum, its necessary! I’m a mum of “children” older than you, and I know what I’m talking about! I just wish I could convince you.
    With love xxx

  2. Everyone deserves a day off and rarely gets one with a young family in tow. Paw patrol to the rescue, chill, eat the chocolate, recoupe your energies for the days ahead. You are doing great and you’ve got this.

    Parenting is hard work at the best of times for anyone but throw grief, hormones, toddlers and twins into the mix it is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

    I am sorry if I added to your stress yesterday at the supermarket. I can be impulsive sometimes. All part of the new normal I suppose but wanted to say hello. It was lovely to meet you and your beautiful rainbow Bea. X

  3. No judging from over here. A messy house can still be one in which children thrive, and they know love from actions not from how long you spend with them. You need to take time for yourself, and your pain is of course totally understandable. Hugs to you xx

  4. Oh Jennie, sending massive hugs lovely.
    Hey it is OK to have a off day, to take time out, it makes our children more independent and realise that all is not perfect in the world., but that caring for others is a good thing.

    You have been through so much, so many highs and lows, the loss of your beautiful Tilda something no one could of seen, but you know something most day you are the best Mummy in the world, so your children will say.

    For your children will love you always no matter what, have a duvet, film fest day, it will not be a bad thing, eat junk enjoy it.

    For tomorrow will be here soon enough.

    I suffer depression at times, I have been on a real lull for the whole of January, decided to call it hibernation, ignored all emails, quit my role in the community(RA Chair), buy slowly & surely I will come out on a sunnier day, just not today and probably not tomorrow.

    Sending big hugs x

  5. you don’t have to be perfect to be a good Mum Jennie. You can be sad, or quiet, or lazy. I understand that it must feel as though you are wearing lead shoes some days and on those days that time crawls. But on those days, go with the slowness. Put on films, let the kids create chaos (being imaginative and playing is very good for them) and get out dor a walk when you can – fresh it helps.
    Above all, no matter what you do or don’t do, don’t feel guilty. Your children are lovely and so are you xxx

  6. No judging here. Whilst pregnant my boys have had far too much technology time, and not enough time with me, yesterday I just couldn’t function until lunch time (crying for no reason and pregnancy exhaustion after James working more than ever this month), my house is cluttered despite my best efforts. I hope the selfish day helped, it’s hard being a pregnant mum I’d imagine more so when grieving too, please don’t beat yourself up about it! xx

  7. Whilst there’s nothing else I could add that hasn’t already been said by your lovely readers, I just wanted to let you know that I’m carrying you in my thoughts, Jennie.
    You’re a great mum. That’s so clear from your blog and not because you sugar-coat it either as it’s such an honest blog.
    Thinking of your beautiful Matilda also. I hope that you can restore a little of your equilibrium this coming week. xxx

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