After another sleepless night
I have woken incredibly emotional this morning
But also determined
This is my last chance to enjoy pregnancy
My last baby
And I want to enjoy it so much
I want to love and cherish this baby
And not live in fear of losing her
Her
I am having a daughter
And all being well
In 17 weeks she will be here
I was not going to make any resolutions this year
We are almost midway through January anyway
But I have decided to make some promises to myself
My husband
And my children
And I would like to share them with you
To enjoy this last pregnancy and to document it, scars and all, on my blog
When I first fell with Sprinkle
I thought that this time I might not document my pregnancy
Here on the blog
But then I remembered how very sad I often feel
That I have no memories and very few photos from my pregnancy
With Esther and William
And how very grateful David and I are
For every memory I recorded with Matilda Mae
It is all we have of her now
I realised that I would regret not recording this pregnancy
It is hard for non bloggers to understand I think
That this is just what I do
This is my time and my space
My blog is my confidant and my therapy
And I know that my writing has helped others
And continues to do so
I am proud of that
And I want to continue sharing my story
And perhaps playing a small part in the lives of others
I am not a talented writer
Or a very good photographer
I am not filled to bursting with creativity
I have no technical skills at all
But I have my story
And I tell it with honesty
Straight from the heart
To cherish every moment with all my children
Do you know my children are amazing
And I forget sometimes
How very special they are
Esther and William could easily have died
At their premature birth
Or shortly after
But they did not
They are here
And they are thriving
And they are actually delightful to be around
I do not give them nearly enough credit
For all they are
All they have come through
Bea is a very challenging toddler
She is making her mark on the family
On the world
But she too is amazing
Asserting her position in our family
After miracle twins
And with a big sister in the sky
Being a rainbow is not easy
But Bea is busy stealing hearts
Wherever she goes
And we all adore her
I want to make the most of these amazing children of mine
I want to spend much more time together as a family
Having adventures
Making memories
Having fun
To capture magical moments and memories of our Baby Daze and share them on the blog
When I was pregnant with Bea
I was sure I would record all her baby days on the blog
And I did try really hard
But life happened
This is our last baby
And I want to record the haze of baby days
Our Baby Daze
As it is going to be a special time for all of us
I want to take lots of photos
But also record my thoughts and feelings
The children’s words
As Sprinkle is a May baby
She will share many milestones with Matilda Mae
Being 7 months at Christmas
Being 9 months in February
Which I know I am going to find so so hard
Celebrating a May 1st birthday
Will also be hard
I have already decided I would like to go to Coombe Mill
For two weeks next year
Over Tilda’s birthday
And Sprinkle’s
I do not want to be at home
Next year’s Mile in Memory will be a very special one for me
And I want to document all of that
The good and the bad
And I am sure the ugly
Because one day
Another mummy
Very sadly
May end up in shoes very similar to mine
To use my blog to promote safe sleep and linked baby products
Matilda Mae died of SIDS
We have been told over and over again
She died suddenly, unexpectedly, from natural causes and without fault
But we will always feel guilty
We will always have questions
And doubt
Because of that jumble of emotions
I want to work hard to promote safe sleep for babies
New born and older babies too
I want to work with charities
The Lullaby Trust
And companies producing and selling baby products
I want to use my blog
My voice
To share my experiences
And to promote products that enable safe sleep
I have been doubting my blog recently
Wondering if anyone really reads it anymore
Questioning it’s value
It’s validity
Questioning whether I am cut out for this online world anymore
But I have things no one else has
My experiences
My story
My voice
And I want to use them for good
To use my blog to share my experiences as a mummy of five
I want to use my blog as my diary
Sharing our home education adventures
Our theatre trips
Our messy play
The nitty gritty of family life
With lots of little people at home all the time
I am not a funny writer
But I think that our anecdotes could be useful for some
And by recording them
I am creating a virtual memory to help me remember them
To have confidence in me, my family and my blog
My self esteem has been on the floor
For more years than I can remember
I see how brilliant and wonderful others are
I find others inspiring
But I see nothing in me
And I doubt everything I do
And I honestly do not know how to change that
But I want to try
I want to try and believe in me
Have confidence in me
Share what I do more
Try to be more sociable
Try to engage more with others
Try to believe that others might like to engage with me
I want to know that what I do for my family is enough
I want to make them happy
Make us all happy
I want to have confidence that we are a good and strong family
And other families might want to know us
Spend time with us
I want to believe in my blog
Promote it more
Do more with it
Believe in it more than I currently do
To have a more positive outlook on life and live in the moment
As an umbrella to all of the above
A precursor to achieving my goals
I need to have a more positive outlook on life
And I need to live in the moment
I need to stop worrying about what others are doing
And do what I am doing with effort and enthusiasm
I need to believe in me
And what I do
I don’t know why I find that so hard
But I do
I spend too much time comparing myself to others
Worrying what other people think of me
I want to stop that
Focus all my time and energies
On me and mine
Living and gone
And I want to move forward with confidence and happiness
I really really want to
But I know I am going to need some help along the way
To make mine and my family’s dreams come true
And to reach my blogging goals
And to bring it all together
With this final countdown
To making our family complete
I have to believe now at 23 weeks pregnant
That our daughter is going to come
That our daughter is going to live
Maybe she will
Maybe she won’t
But it is time
It is time to believe
Good luck with all of this, I too need to have more confidence, and need to believe in myself/be more positive. I think one of the reasons my hubby and I work well together is he is Mr optimist and I am definitely Mrs pessimist! x
I’m sure you can manage each and every one of these aims for the year ahead. You already are an amazingly honest and helpful voice to raise awareness of so many issues and not just SIDS but prem babies, home education, miscarriage, being a mum over 40, even the difficulties of living through an extension and renovation.
Good luck, Jennie. I’ll certainly continue reading and commenting; not lurking. You deserve comments for your open, honest and heartfelt posts.
Keep believing. xx
Thank you for having faith in me x It helps so much when people take a little time to say you know what you have got this, I believe in you, go on and do it x So thank you x