Today I am 23 weeks pregnant
And the best way to describe how I am feeling is
Fragile
Emotionally and physically
I am struggling this week
It started on Sunday
When I started experiencing some pain
Underneath my bump
I thought perhaps I had pulled a muscle
Lifting Bea and heavy shopping
But now I am wondering if it is something more
I am wondering if it is pelvic pain that I am feeling
I am not really sure how to tell
All I know is that if I move suddenly or awkwardly
It can really hurt
This is not being helped by the fact
I am tossing and turning at night
Finding it almost impossible
To find a comfortable position for sleep
And it is not just my body that is restless
My mind is over active too
It is a horrible time of year for me
Counting down to the anniversary of Tilda’s death
The anniversary of her funeral
And all those horrible dark days in between
I have nightmares about Tilda
About losing our living children
And now our unborn baby too
And I cannot control the dreams
I do not always remember them
But I feel their shadow
I feel the weight of the nights
Through my days
The fear of losing this baby
Has peaked at the moment
Because of the time of year
The pains I am having
A baby dying in the next village to ours
And the very well publicised Corrie story line
Of a character giving birth at just 23 weeks
The exact gestation I am
I also keep dreaming about my children being dead
Which has been happening
Since my children played a party game
Which involved them pretending to die
And then lying on the floor dead!
Now I cannot get it out of my head
I am feeling very sensitive at the moment
(I am very pregnant)
About the fact that I am feeling very alone
In my sense of loss of Tilda
My children talk to her and about her all the time
But it is only them and me
And my children talk about Tilda
In a light and happy way
Which is absolutely how it should be
There is no one really that still feels the pain that I feel
Every day
I feel like there are so many triggers at the moment
Life is like a minefield
Of Tilda moments that might finally make me break
And of course all of these feelings are exaggerated
With the hormonal craziness of pregnancy
And this awful forever unavoidable time of year
When I knew that we were going to have another baby
I was so determined to enjoy this pregnancy
And to cherish this baby
But again I am a tangle of nerves and grief and anxiety
I do have lots of positive moments
I adore my bump
And feeling Sprinkle move
I love how excited Esther and William and Bea are
How much they are looking forward to having a baby sister
It breaks my heart that in one conversation
We talk about how they will be able to help look after the new baby
And they also without hesitating
Say that it is not definite she will come
That there is always a chance she might die
My children are so courageous and awesome
So sensitive and understanding
They are going to grow into kind and sympathetic adults
With a level of understanding of death and grief beyond their years
But I am proud of them in so many ways
For so many wonderful things
They are incredibly beautiful human beings
Who have been through so much
I am hoping that reaching 24 weeks next week
Might ease some of the anxiety I am feeling
Though the week after that is when David works in London for a week
He does it for one week every year
And I find it so hard
Not just because he is here less
But because at the end of that week in 2013
Baby Tilda died
Those dates and times and associated feelings do not ever go away
So much to be sad about
But so much to be happy about too
And I am grateful for all my blessings
But this week
This 23rd week of pregnancy
With our second rainbow baby
The best way to describe how I am feeling is
Fragile
Hi Jennie,
I hope nothing I am about to say sounds critical or insensitive – I’m wondering if you’ve ever read anything around the ritualisation of death and anniversaries? I ask because we are all SO different in what we need, and what works for us, but I think it is worth consciously reflecting on this to see if maybe what you are doing is truly what does work best for you (to the extent that anything can ever ‘work’ with something so awful). I know you have said many times before that remembering and hearing others mention and acknowledge MM is really important to you. But I’m wondering if having a countdown to the anniversary of her death and funeral is actually beneficial to you? Just something to think about. Perhaps you’d find this period easier without seeing it as a sort of countdown time, and instead just marking the days when they arrive. Some people find it helpful to celebrate a birthday in a bigger way, as this was always supposed to be a happy day, but not to mark a death or funeral in as big a way, as these anniversaries were never supposed to exist. Just something to think about – perhaps marking the day itself is important to you, but it might help to try not to have a ‘build up’ or ‘countdown’ around this time of year. I also think you always seem most vibrant and positive when you are channelling your memory of MM into your wonderful awareness and fundraising in her honour, so perhaps you could use this time to come up with some ideas of planning for things you might want to do, organise or contribute to (post-baby being born!). It may help a bit if you are able to re-frame this time of year into a positive time of planning for the year ahead. Just some thoughts xxx
Thank you x I understand what you mean and I do not countdown the days as in marking them off on a calendar, it is just what this time of year is. January was our last month with Tilda, one of our best months with her and it is hard to think of it any other way. It is also still all very vivid in my memory, it has only been 4 years. And I do think pregnancy exaggerates all highs and lows. The day of her death is always lovely, sad but lovely as David and I take the day to be together. And our family day at that time is never too sad and is always by the sea with bubbles. I think avoiding the fact the day is coming is impossible but maybe I could do something after this baby comes like train for a physical challenge to change the feel and focus of this time x Thank you x
Jennie, I’ve read your wonderful open and honest blog for a while but felt this was the post when I needed to reach out to you just to say that there are people out here that think about you and are willing Sprinkle to bring you so much joy.
I can’t say that I know how you’re feeling because I have not lost a living child and simply can not comprehend the grief and pain.
However I understand miscarriage sadly all too well and the pain of losing not only an unborn child but of all your dreams for that baby too.
My last pregnancy was my 6th one but my fourth child. I kept my pregnancy secret until my scan at 21 weeks. I had suffered miscarriage or threatened miscarriage in all but one pregnancy and I was too scared to tempt fate by telling anyone. I found television storylines frightening and suffered lower abdominal pain too. I was reassured that it was the stretching of ligaments after an above average number of pregnancies but did that reassure me? Nope, sadly my pregnancy was filled with anxiety and I even crossed my legs whenever I was stood up and was so scared of sneezing and coughing – totally unlike me but I couldn’t help my anxiety levels. For you to be 23 weeks at such a time with so much going on and coming up is undoubtedly very difficult and despite your struggling with coping with it, I wanted to let you know your blog inspires me but especially you inspire me.
I hope week 24 soon arrives and passes for you. I hope that you can continue to enjoy your pregnancy and relish the good moments and not allow the anxiety to take over, a feeling I understand.
Your bump is beautiful so show it off proudly and your beautiful new daughter is growing in order to bring much love, happiness, unity and healing to you.
I always think of MM when I see stars. I also collect Willow Tree as you do as they bring me comfort in representing my family, both here and the ones I carry in my heart.
I’m 12 years into home schooling too – two all done and a further two in the process.
Wishing you a night or two of decent sleep and an end to the nightmares.
I wish I’d commented before but just wanted to send some support.
You’re over halfway with Sprinkle. I hope that soon, at the right time, the happy feelings will be more prominent and although I think you remember Tilda in such a beautiful way, I will be reading, thinking of you all and remembering what a beautiful soul she was on earth and still is now but this difficult fragile month will pass and then you can start to really focus positively on the few weeks left to prepare for Sprinkle’s arrival. x
Thank you so much for such a lovely long comment. It helps to know that other people have felt like I have and it makes me so happy to know that Matilda is remembered x Thank you so so much x
You’re welcome, Jennie. Matilda is most definitely remembered, probably by more people than you realise. x
I hope the bump pain eases soon and that you manage to get comfier in bed, I was struggling with that last week and have found a couple of pillows to almost cuddle up to or prop up my back have helped.
I hope you have some friends or family to help out the week that David is away as I know that is a tough week for you from previous year’s posts too xx