So I have just posted this on Instagram
And Facebook
And wanted to share it here too
In case anyone else is feeling like me
And is too scared to say anything to anyone
I have been too frightened to tell anyone
In case people thought I was a terrible mother
In case I am a terrible mother
Perhaps I am
People’s responses so far
Have been kind and sympathetic
And I am sat here in tears
Wishing I had talked to someone sooner
Wishing I had been brave enough to say
I have loved nursing Bea
I have fed her on demand for most of her almost 2.5 years
But I hate it now
I dread bedtime coming
I hate the feeling of her at my breast
It makes me feel anxious and cross
And it affects me physically too
I feel very irritable
It makes my skin crawl
And I know it is me
In my head
I know that it is not Bea’s fault
Once she is asleep
The feelings go away again very quickly
But in the time she feeds to sleep
And settles herself on me through the night
Though those times are often just a few short minutes
The bad feelings are very intense
I do not not want to lie in the dark anymore
Feeding my toddler through tears
Wanting to push her away
But knowing I can’t
A few people have now mentioned breastfeeding aversion to me
I did not know this was even a thing
But I am glad that it is
Though I would not wish these feelings on anyone
I am glad that the feelings I have
Are recognised by others
And even have an identifiable name
Perhaps I am not such a terrible mother after all
I know that the time has come to stop feeding Bea
It coincides with David’s busiest time of year
And 4 days working away in London
But I know that he is ready and willing
To step in and take over Bea’s bedtime
Tonight I tried just laying with Bea
But it is too difficult for her with me at the moment
It has to be Daddy
And that is how it was with Esther and William too
Though they were only 15 months old at the time
So tonight I am feeling relieved
That my feelings are not uncommon
That they are in fact normal
And okay to feel
I am feeling determined that now is the time
To stop the night feeding with Bea
And I am feeling glad
To have at last told people
And to know that someone out there
Might have been crying alone in the dark like me
And one day they might find this post
And know
That they are not alone
That they are okay
That what they are feeling is okay
And does not make them a bad person
They are a mother
Doing the very best she can for her little one
And if Bea reads this one day
I hope that she will know
How much I adore her
How much I treasure the times I have spent feeding her
And how this aversion has broken my heart
You can read more about breastfeeding aversion in pregnancy here
And here
You are not alone
You are absolutely NOT alone in this. I fed my 6yo for a VERY extended length of time but my milk dried up when I was about 13 weeks pregnant with my 18mo and I couldn’t have been more relieved. It had just started to feel horrible to do it. The outcome is that I really don’t know how to stop feeding!! I just have to carry on going until they give up on their own. Or when they’re 30…..
Sucking is physiologically comforting – whether dummy or booby – the reality is, I believe, after 2 years (if not before), a breastfed baby will still grow up perfectly normal/healthy/happy without breast milk – it might take a few days for them to adjust – but then they are fine – seriously, how many adults out there can say we remember being breastfed or being upset when it stopped? Probably zero! How many happy/content adults are there out there who were not breastfed or who were not breastfed for an extended period? Many!
If it is making you so unhappy, then that will have more damaging and long term effects for you and Bea, than continuing for so long. You have done an amazing thing to breastfeed for so long, but if it too much now you are pregnant – then do not feel guilty stopping. Yes you may have a few days of it being hard/upsetting – but she will be fine. I stopped with my first at 18 months when I was 4 months pregnant – I read that you can put plasters on your boobies and say you have an ouchy and as they are so sensitive to other’s pain, they often more easily accept stopping – I did not do that, but happened to burn my ‘bump’ when misjudging the edge of the ironing board so it was ‘ouchy’ where she would have had to lie across me – there were a couple of days of her asking/tugging my top, but quickly she was fine and is a perfectly happy/content 4 year old now:)
Should read: If it is making you so unhappy, then that will have more damaging and long term effects for you and Bea, than stopping now.
Hi Jennie – this seems perfectly natural to me. Your body/mind/subconscious are telling you it is time to stop because you need to devote your body to your next baby. I also think there maybe comes a time for a long-term breastfeeding mother when it just doesn’t feel right to be nursing a growing toddler/child any more. I definitely felt this with my younger child and stopped all of a sudden. They weren’t impressed for a few days but they got over it.