Today I am 22 weeks pregnant

Five years ago

I was 22 weeks pregnant

22 weeks pregnant with Matilda Mae

Well meaning people

I bump into day to day

Keep telling me what a wonderful time of year

May is for having a baby

I do not tell them that I know

I already know

I had a May baby of my own

Matilda Mae was our May baby

And she died before she saw another one

She never reached the May that should have been her first birthday

I already know that May is a wonderful time

For having a baby

For the last 4 years

I have dreaded every May

And any babies due to be born in that month

I have dreaded someone I know

Having a May baby

A baby that might share our Tilda’s birthday

It almost broke me when Princess Charlotte was born

On Matilda Mae’s birthday

I found it so so hard

And now I am 22 weeks pregnant

With a May baby of my own

A baby that may well share Tilda’s birthday

And will definitely have a day that is very close

I have been trying to get to grips with this now

For 22 weeks

And every week

A new milestone is reached

Reached at around the same time

It was reached with Baby Tilda

And every week I am so thankful

That Sprinkle is growing

And doing what she should

But every week I am also so scared

And so sad

That this baby may share Tilda’s fate

Or that they may not

And they may live on to reach the many milestones

That Matilda Mae did not

This is our last baby

My last pregnancy

And it is so entwined with that of

The beautiful baby we lost

I cannot decide if it a blessing

Or a curse

I know that these next 15 months

Are going to be so very hard

Particularly this very time of year

In January 2013 we had our last innocent days

Our last days with Baby Tilda

Before our lives were torn apart

Before our hearts were broken irreparably

In February 2013 our baby died

Aged exactly nine months

In February 2018

All being well

Baby Sprinkle will be 9 months

And we will be hoping and praying that she will live

And not die

And with that hoping and praying will come guilt

That all the hopes and prayers in all the world

Could not save Baby Tilda

And could not bring her back

So many milestones shared already on this journey

So many more to come

So many magical

Mixed blessings of milestones

Today I am 22 weeks pregnant

Five years ago

I was 22 weeks pregnant

22 weeks pregnant with Matilda Mae

Well meaning people

I bump into day to day

Keep telling me what a wonderful time of year

May is for having a baby

I do not tell them that I know

I already know

I had a May baby of my own

Matilda Mae was our May baby

And she died before she saw another one

She never reached the May that should have been her first birthday

I already know that May is a wonderful time

For having a baby