Today we drove through the winter fog

To our 20 week scan

The all important check for fetal abnormalities

This was our fourth 20 week scan

And the fear never leaves or lessens

The sonographer today could tell I was terrified

She asked if I had reason to be so scared

It is hard to explain the anxiety you feel in pregnancy

When you have been through multiple miscarriages

And lost a baby daughter at nine months old

And the fear is heightened

Knowing all the sad stories of other loss mummies

That are now such an important part of my world

I was also more worried as I had not felt any movement

From our little Sprinkle

I cannot describe to you the relief that flooded my system

As I saw a wriggly baby

With a beautiful beating heart

Our wriggly baby

With their beautiful beating heart

Only once that image appeared could I begin to relax

Nothing else mattered in that moment

Apart from our baby was alive

Our baby was alive!

Once I was a little calmer

The sonographer started her checks

And she was wonderful

So calm and patient

Taking her time to show us and explain to us

What she was seeing

One lovely stomach

One full bladder

Two kidneys

A larger than average abdomen

(Think we may be growing another big baby!)

Two little legs

With forward facing feet

Two arms

With two little hands

We all laughed when the sonographer said

I am going to check the hands now

And Sprinkle presented both her hands together

In an Oliver Twist esque pose

It was a theme of the whole experience actually

That Sprinkle presented the positions and images the sonographer needed

Just as she needed them

A very well behaved baby

Definitely a little girl

And she is!

She is still a little girl

Which I am very pleased about

Though I am also fighting the feeling

That maybe we should try for one more baby after Sprinkle

Just to see if we can have a boy

William would love a baby brother

But no

It is emotions

I am old

I am tired

I am done!

The scan was really lovely

We chatted throughout

We saw Sprinkle wave

We saw her swallow

And do something that looked like a smile

It was a wonderful, positive experience

And I have come away happy

And more filled with love than ever

For this little baby girl that we are yet to meet

This little baby girl

Who is already very much one of us

One of the family

And hopefully in around 20 weeks time

We will meet our Sprinkle of Stardust

And bring her home

Here are posts about my previous anomaly scans with Tilda and Bea

20 Weeks with Matilda Mae

20 Weeks with Bea

Waiting for your Anomaly Scan