A Sprinkle of Stardust: Fear and Foreboding

Today has on the whole been a lovely day

The Christmas music has been on

The children loved their advent box

We have been carolling and colouring

And I am excited for our month to come

But lurking in the shadows

Has been this fear and foreboding

This feeling that something is just not right

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I am 17 weeks pregnant

I feel like this week is lasting forever!

I have felt no movement

And I know it is early days

But my placenta is posterior and high

This is my fifth baby

I thought I might be feeling something by now

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On top of the stillness

I seem to be leaking

I panicked myself

That I might losing my waters or amniotic fluid

But after extensive reading

And a consultation with Dr Google

I think that I am experiencing increased discharge

Lovely, I know!

All the glamour this pregnancy is bringing me

I bet you are all SO jealous!

Seriously though

It has really cast a shadow on my day

The leaking

And the feeling that my bump

Though definitely bump like

Seems a little small

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I am definitely aware of my bump

And I am experiencing pretty normal

Aches and pains

I just wish I could feel my baby moving

And I wish there was a way of knowing for sure

That things are okay

That our Sprinkle is doing okay

I think my general anxiety

Is becoming pregnancy anxiety

And I need to find a way to stop worrying

Because it will not be doing me

Or my baby any good

I am aware that I am painting a very bleak picture of pregnancy at the moment

I do not mean to

But I do think we need to be honest

About what we experience and how we feel

And today

Amongst the colouring and the carolling

There has been fear and foreboding

And this sense that something is just not right

Please hurry up 22nd December

And our anomaly scan

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Please be okay in there little Sprinkle

We all already love you

We cannot wait to meet you

We all so desperately want to bring you home

5 thoughts on “A Sprinkle of Stardust: Fear and Foreboding

  1. Ahh you have a such a lovely bump…is there anyone you can see just to set your mind at rest? Pregnancy pays havoc on our minds doesn’t it, can never relax!! Our scan is also on the 22nd seems so far away! I’ve found my social anxiety has heightened again, I’m guessing it must be the hormones, I work myself up about going in other people’s cars (I don’t drive so often have lofts to social things)! Take care xx

  2. Ah bless you, I had anterior placenta with first and felt her move 5/6 times a month if I was lucky. We had a v good early preg unit where you could go if you had reduced movements so if I ever felt worried instinctively (because clearly I couldn’t got every day but yet most days I had no movement) I would go in. They never minded and always took me serious. Not a great deploy help but wanted to say I understand how hard it is when they don’t move X

  3. Considering your history, I think you’re well within your rights to ask if the midwife can try and listen in or send you for a scan. It takes minutes for them to reassure you, but that reassurance means everything.

  4. After all sorts of trauma with my pregnancy for Baby No. 1, I decided I couldn’t live in a state of panic for Baby No. 2. So I hired a fetal doppler for the pregnancy. And any time I was concerned, I used it, heard the heatbeat and went on with my day. For me, the peace of mind was priceless.

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