Today I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant

Into my 6th week of this pregnancy

I have not tested again

Nor booked any appointments or scans

With my previous four babies

I had had scans by now

To check for implantation

To check that the pregnancies were not ectopic

At the end of the sixth week a scan for a heartbeat was undertaken too

This time I cannot bring myself to do any of that

Perhaps in my heart I know

It is not going to be good news

Perhaps I am putting off what I think is the inevitable

Or maybe I am just too long in the tooth this time

For all that fuss

The thing is Maybe Baby

I think whatever happens from now

This will be my last pregnancy

I hope with all my heart

That you will be my last baby

And that I will get to hold you in my arms

And raise you to a child

To an adult

To stand beside your siblings

But I know that I must not assume

I know all too well

Things do not always go to plan

And horror can strike at any time

Perhaps that is why I have not booked

Any appointments or scans

For now you are mine and daddy’s little secret

And we are quietly happy

Just the way we are