Yesterday I went to see my GP
I had waited a while
For an appointment with this specific doctor
And I am so glad that I did
I walked with him to his office
Trembling
And immediately burst into tears
While asking him to please help me access some counselling
He, of course, knows my story
I have seen him before
But out came the words anyway
My daughter died
Three and a half years ago
I am not enjoying life
I am not enjoying my children
I do not play with my children
I do not laugh with them
I facilitate their play
I am physically present in their days
But I am not with them as I should be
As I want to be
I am sad and angry
Irritable
Irrational
I cannot see good in anyone or anything
I have no one to talk to
I have no one whose role it is to look after me
I have no time
I want to talk
The words tumbled with the tears
The referral has been made
The doctor asked if there are safety concerns
Have I thought about harming myself or my children
Not physically
No
But emotionally
The state of me cannot be good for any of us
Talk and tablets
He says
Just like that
Talk and tablets
A low dose
Anti anxiety
Anti deppressant
The benefits outweigh the possible risk to Bea
Through my milk
But we are not certain that our family is complete
I would like to do this without medication if I can
I worry about side effects
Addiction
Withdrawal
The good, kind, gentle doctor
Accepts what I have said
But asks me not to be stubborn
If down the line
We have the conversation again
For now though
Talk
And self help
Self care
A necessity not a luxury
Time to heal
Time for me
To make me better
And a plea
To be honest with friends
And with family
About how I really feel
About how hard my daily life can be
Even when I’m smiling
This cannot wait any longer
I have taken the first, tiny step
This has to happen now
Grieving
Talking
Recovering
Healing
This has to start today
Self Care: Things I Can Do
Change My Diet
There are natural ways to boost serotonin
Exercise
Sunshine
Diet
I know I eat far too much sugar
I know that I do
I eat fruits and vegetables
Healthy meals
But I eat a lot of sugary snacks
I need to reduce the amount of sugar in my diet
Eat more protein
More good carbs
Nuts and seeds are good for serotonin
B6 can boost serotonin
Found in fish
Quinoa
Spinach
Garlic and greens
Adjusting my diet is something I can do
That will help me and my family
None of us have been eating well lately
Walking
This is something I can start doing straight away
Get out
On my own
For a walk
I am outside and active
A lot of the time
With our children
But I do not ever do it
Just me
Walking would give me exercise
Time to think
And space to breathe
I just need to get out the front door
And do it
The plan is that when David gets home from work
I will have my time
While he does tea and bath
I just need to force myself out the front door
Swimming
I am not a runner
I never have been
I never will be
But I love to swim
I cannot remember the last time
I swam
Properly swam
I go swimming with children
But it is really not the same
I would love to swim
Two or three evenings a week
Or even early mornings
I would love to swim
I read about Mindfulness a lot
It is something I would like to try
But I am really not sure meditation is very me
I have never done yoga
And I am really not very good at being still
I am not very good at relaxing
I never have been
I wonder if a course might like this
Might help me
This one is really local too
About 10 minutes from my front door
I have booked it
I begin on the 5th September!
This cannot wait any longer
I have taken the first, tiny step
This has to happen now
Grieving
Talking
Recovering
Healing
This has to start today
Well done. This is a difficult thing to do, to admit that you need professional help. Counselling was really helpful for me and I hope it will be for you as well.
Whether or not to take medication is a completely personal decision. But just to say, this field has advanced a lot and anti-depressants don’t necessarily give you the bad side effects that have been associated with them in the past. I’m on a low dosage of them myself and, aside from a minor headache in the first week, they’ve only helped. Of course, I can’t say it would be the same for everyone. You know what’s best for you. I just thought sharing my experience might be useful.
My best wishes on your journey to recovery xx
<3 <3 Love to you. Such a hard thing to do, to go and ask for help. It will get easier. One day you will look back and realise that this is not you.
Well done for taking that first step!
Wishing you the best of luck in your recovery!
Sending love and hugs x
A huge first step – well done. It’s interesting that you say you’re not very good at relaxation. I once said to a friend who’s very into mindfulness that I didn’t have time to do it. She said that in that case I probably need it more than anyone. I would say the same about relaxation- if you’re not very good at it, you probably need it more than anyone. I hope you can find some time to heal yourself xx
I think you are right, I am hoping the Mindfulness will help with the relaxing x
Life has handed my family what many would see as a hard road. Yes, I would like death and disability not to feature in our story. But it does.
My wonderful Doctor has been by my side for the last nearly 20 years. We joke that our family has more high highs and low lows than a roller coaster. She started me on a low dose anti-depressant tablet when a life threatening incident happened to our baby 15 years ago that resulted in severe disabilities. I went to her 14 years ago and said we wanted to expand our family. In consultation with her and with my fertility doctor, we all made the decision that I would stay on the low dose through conception, birth and babyhood of our expanded family. That has been a godsend through the subsequent issues that life has dealt us.
As someone who has a brain where the chemicals are out of whack, I understand that my tablets are NEEDED to help me function normally. And they do. And if I had a physical ailment, I would not hesitate to get it seen to. So the fact that my imbalanced chemicals aren’t visible doesn’t make them any less in need of treatment.
I think it is a crying shame that there is a stigma attached to anti-depressant and anxiety medication. I have spoken out often over the last 15 years to tell my story and to encourage people to try and accept help offered by skilled professionals. The Doctors don’t prescribe medication lightly.
It is your choice whether to accept it or not but be kind to yourself and realise that a short term course of medication may make all the difference.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. What a kind and brave lady you are. I will take your advice on board I promise as I start this journey x
Well done on accepting you need help. There is no shame in taking time for yourself. You deserve it. Good luck!
‘Good luck’ seems too trite a thing to say somehow. I’m not that great with words sadly, but have been told I’m a good listener. Sometimes you need to just find the right person to tease those words out of you. Talking is good for the soul they say. I’m sure I don’t do enough of it either. But willing you on, and thinking of you xx
I feel compelled to offer a book recommendation which i know is going to be life changing for me. It’s The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and it’s about trauma (particularly PTSD and cPTSD ). Honestly, it is worth the purchase, because all the evidence shows that drugs dont help PTSD long term. xx
Dear Jennie
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and have been hoping you might write a post like this. You have already taken the hardest, bravest step – asking for help – and you should feel so proud of yourself for doing that. Don’t underestimate how difficult it was to do so.
Even if you don’t yet know where you’re striving to get to, you know the feelings you want to move away from. To do that I think you need to throw everything at it: yes that means seeds and mindfulness and fresh air, but as another commenter has said above, there is no shame in taking medication. Use every tool you have at your disposal to fight your way onwards and upwards!
Here are some other more practical thoughts…
Mindfulness – have you thought about yoga? I would really recommend ‘Yoga with Adriene’ (https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene). Her style is friendly, easy to follow and the focus is mind/breathing rather than, in her words, being a ‘yoga robot’. I would try starting with either her ‘30 days of yoga’ or ‘Yoga Camp’.
Food – is there any way you can prepare food in the evening for the following day eg soaking oats in (almond?) milk overnight and then heating through in the morning to make healthy porridge (chucking in a sliced banana or some berries maybe?). Could you make sandwiches the night before and mash an avocado into the filling (basically smuggling in veg where you don’t notice it)? Is there any ‘easy sugar’ you could cut out eg fizzy drinks, sweets, sugar in tea/coffee? I also try not to snack between meals (it’s hard, especially when there’s biscuits or cake around) but please don’t beat yourself up about food – enjoy it, don’t punish yourself with it, and don’t beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon.
Exercise – is there someone you can buddy up with to exercise? I’m a bit of a sloth but having a friend to go to classes with makes me much less likely to back out. Have you thought about trying a park bootcamp? Exercising outside in the fresh air is great (much nicer than a gym!) and it feels good to work together as group even though it’s not a team sport as such.
I saw your most recent post about feeling ashamed and I’m sorry that in the time it took me to reply to this post it’s now out of date, but I hope if nothing else you know there are people out there rooting for you. Good luck! x
These are such lovely practical and achievable ideas Thank you x
You are doing an amazing job. Pause to give yourself credit where credit is due. And give yourself a break for being a mere human like the rest of us. Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s not healthy. Don’t compare your children to others. It will drive you mad. Live, love and try, try, try to laugh. Just stupid d, childish, mindless giggling. Try it with your children over nothing and before you know it you will all be in hysterics over each other’s laughter. Laughter is one of the best medicines.
Thank you for the diet tips for
Boosting serotonin too. Something I shall now be looking further into.
Sending you strength and hugs X