It is funny how a woman’s body is programmed
How a lady’s mind works
Well
How mine works anyway
28 days ago
At the beginning of our holiday in Coombe Mill
My monthly cycle returned
For the first time since Bea was born
I was glad to see the flash of red
After 21 months
I was glad to know that my body was functioning
As it should
I was glad that there was a possibility
If we wanted to
In the future
To have another baby
After the relief
Came the realisation
That should I fall pregnant in this very first cycle
The baby would be due around the date of Tilda’s anniversary
I could not decide whether that would be a good or bad thing
After Coombe Mill I thought nothing more of it
Until it came to the time I was due to ovulate
Of course, I had marked the day in my diary
Don’t we all?
Around the time I wondered if David and I should be doing more
Just to see
But I did not waste much time thinking more about that
And then two weeks passed
And yesterday I saw red again
And I felt a huge pang of disappointment
I felt the wind knocked out of me
Heart and head felt heavy
As I silently accused my body of letting me down
But why?
We are not in any way trying for a baby
We are not, not trying
But we are definitely not trying
And yet this pain was real
So maybe I do want one more baby
I know that David does
We always said that we would have four children
I bought and started taking folic acid
From the first time I saw the red
So maybe I do want another baby after all?
I need to have a really good think about it
Which I guess is what I am doing now
And we need to have a cut off point
To stop trying
If we do decide to try
I am going to be 40 in September
There are things to consider
About a fifth baby in my 40s
It really affected me
Seeing red
I thought I was done
I thought Bea had finished me off as far as babies are concerned
But maybe not
Maybe our family is not complete
Perhaps it is telling
That we have never said that it is
I have seen others write it
Heard them say it
But David and I have never used those words
So perhaps our family is not yet complete
Perhaps we might have one more?
I know that Esther and William would love us to have a baby
There is so much to think about though
When David and I have talked about it
We have talked about the baby days being hard
But that it would be worth it to have the four children
On Earth we have always wanted
And to have a playmate for Bea
Though the potential age gap is widening by the day
Oh I just don’t know!
And I think when you know, then you know that you know
But surely that would work both ways?
How do you know if you are done?
How do you know when your family is complete?
How do you know you have enough love and energy for just one more?
Bless you Jennie, lots of thinking ahead. I have no idea how you know, I seem to have known that I’m happy with my three but then when I feel PG in 2010 I was over the moon before I lost that babe. Now I’m just going with trust in God, if we are supposed to have more, we will but I would feel very old and tired now to have a small babe. Mich x
Hi Jennie. I believe that no one could ever regret having a baby. Yes, the baby days are hard work but they are also an amazing gift which wd treasure when they are older. Providing an extra sibling for your other children to walk through life with would be such a precious from you to them. Think of that strong bond they would have with the baby, especially as you are homeschooling and they are together all day long. I know many successful homeschool families that have lots of children (one with 11). The babies of those families get so much love from their siblings and they just add to the fun of their day rather than interrupting it.
incredible to see Babies are an absolute miracle, you are wonderful parents with a huge love which will multiply for your fifth child. So, you will never regret having a baby with all the love and joy they bring to a family. You may, however, regret not having one. Go for it!
I don’t think I will ever feel done. Sensibly, five is enough, more than enough for anyone, but my heart aches at the idea of never snuggling a newborn of my own again.
There is really absolutely no such thing as ‘knowing when you are done’ in the sort of magical ‘you just know’ way that people talk about. That knowledge comes with rational common sense. As a woman you almost ALWAYS feel the urge for ‘just one more’ for as long as you are biologically able. I’d say that after all you have been through and with the twins having lost their baby sister and then having a very traumatised family, starting school twice and then being taken out of school and now being home schooled in a stressful situation and new home it would absolutely not be the best thing for them. They need stability way more than they need another sibling (not to mention the risk that that sibling would have additional needs due to your age). I’m sorry if this sounds harsh and I love reading your blog and my heart absolutely breaks for what you’ve been through but from my point of view it seems screamingly obvious that your children don’t need more instability or less of your attention and time.
There is an increased risk of problems but not every child born to women in their 40s has additional needs. I gave birth at 40 and 41 and both my kids are just fine thank you very much. I would suggest you keep your opinions to yourself about this. Whatever you think, its up to Jennie and David to decide what is right for them and do not need your unhelpful and downright rude comments.
Jennie, I wish you the best of luck in deciding. Whatever is right for you. It will come to you in the end.
Do you know I have read this in anger, then in sadness and now knowing that no one can know what is right for me and my family, except me and my family. I choose to put my life on line and welcome comment and discussion so thank you x With all we have been through one thing I know about my family is that we are an incredibly tight family unit. We are blessed as our story could be so very different x
I don’t know Jess, but I doubt that she had anything but the welfare of you and your family in mind when she wrote her comment. Over the years you have openly expressed your anguish and your doubts about yourself as a mum, and I would guess that she was just responding to her concern for your well being. Not being rude, or unkind.
I agree, I think the post was well meant x
I have four and every time someone announces they are pregnant or I hear of a birth, I feel a pang. I think I always would, even if I had more children. I don’t think it’s a case of having enough love – love is infinite., but for me it is about having the time, the energy and the patience! But for me, much as I would love to be pregnant again, I know I couldn’t do it. I am exhausted all the time, we don’t really have the space in the house and I think it would be selfish of me to have another one. So much as I would love to (or even another two) I have to tell myself I am lucky and blessed with what I have. xx
To add to my comment, when my husband was wavering over having number 4, a friend said to us ‘you will never regret having another baby, but you might regret not having another one’. I am so glad he came round as 4 is what I always wanted and what we’d always agreed on. However, I will still always feel broody when around newborns and young babies I think, but my husband is now adamant he doesn’t want any more. Follow your heart Jennie – only you and David can decide. x
This sums it up for me, I can’t imagine ever not feeling that pang. With five beautiful, healthy children, I know that we are luckier than many, and we feel very blessed, but it feels as though there will always be a ‘maybe….’
This is so hard. There’s so much emotion in the post and I feel it. I do think you will know. You were born to be a mummy. X
I too felt like this, we have our two boys and I just feel like I’ve got ‘me’ back this year, but then hubby and I decided we would try, and just like before I fell pregnant straight away. Unfortunately I miscarried around 7 weeks, I’m just not sure I want to go through all the stress of pregnancy again now that, that happened. It is so hard to know what to do for the best isn’t it x
Very touching post and very interesting discussion
I ask myself all the time: do i want another one for my family, or just for me? This biological urge is very very strong
All the best