Far Far From My Finest Hour

Today was not my greatest day

Far, far from my finest hour

After a week of little sleep

Solo parenting

Stresses and strains of not living at home

Emotional anxiety

The not knowing involved in a big building project

I finally broke

This week has been really, really tough on all of us

We are all unsettled

Unsure

It has been horrible

We have muddled through

As we always do

But the happy family life we crave

Feels nigh on impossible at the moment

Everything is just too much

Feels too hard

A rented house where nothing works

Who would design a house that has no windows to see out of downstairs?

I know we are lucky to have found somewhere to stay

During the renovation process

But the running of the rental

The practicalities of trying to run our family life in it

Have been very, very hard this week

Family life is never at it’s best

When every single one of us is tired

And I think David and I are more stressed and tired

Than perhaps we have ever been

It is a different feeling

To when the twins’ were premature

Or Baby Tilda died

It is a feeling of enormous pressure

To keep all the plates spinning

All the balls in the air

And today

Today I dropped them all

With a spectacular, almighty crash

I was a horrible, horrible mother

And not a very nice human being

I said things to my children

I can never take back

Things I am not in any way proud of

I was in a rage

It was all just too much

And I lost it

I was driving my car

We were supposed to be going somewhere

But I knew I could not go there

So I was just driving

Driving nowhere

And shouting at my children

Until I stopped shouting

And then I just carried on driving

In silence

The loudest silence I have ever heard

And I drove

I had no one to drive too

No one I could talk to

Who would understand

No one to help with the children

So I could curl up in a ball and cry

I drove

Seething inside

Replaying my words

And hating myself more

With the thought of everyone of them

Somewhere in the midst of the madness

I made the decision to head for a soft play

Somewhere my children could be together

Play together

And I could catch a breath

And try to think how I could make them understand

What had happened in the car

As I was driving to soft play

I realised the children had no socks

I drove to a garden centre

Without telling them why

Marched them through the garden centre

Bought them all some socks

Some rather lovely socks

Piled them back in the car

And drove on to soft play

They were, of course, thrilled

My children adore soft play

They all ran around playing together

Sometimes with me

Sometimes without me

And the horror of my episode

Slowly faded away

We talked

We cuddled

We played

I tried to explain

I will never get back today

I cannot erase it from their memories

Or their hearts

Or mine

Mummy was a monster today

I am utterly heart broken

About the whole sorry affair

There is no excuse

And I cannot go back

I am ashamed

I can only try and be better

Going forward

And I am going to try so, so hard

Why can nothing ever be easy?

Why does everything have to hurt?

I would love to end this post

Saying that nothing like this will ever happen again

But all I can honestly do

Is promise to try to be better

And to keep talking to my children

Reassuring them that I love them

That I would never be without them

And saying sorry for making their life so very hard sometimes

I hope one day they will understand

All the plates and the balls

And the spinning

mummy monster

10 thoughts on “Far Far From My Finest Hour

  1. Jennie, firstly don’t be so hard on yourself. We have all said horrible things in the heat of the moment to those we love the most. It happens and they still love us after it all calms down.

    However, I have to ask if this is the right time for you to be home schooling? Your not in your happy environment with your amazing play room and all the tools you need for effective teaching and learning. You and David are under a lot of stress with a build project like this and having the children around all day everyday does not allow for any down time to gather your thoughts and have a hot cuppa. Every parent needs a break sometimes.

    I also know how it feels to be in a strange environment as from last Friday we are in between homes. We had too move from ours and the new one is not ready until August. At least your together as my husband is staying at his parents and me and our daughter at mine. We couldn’t find anywhere for a short space of time and neither parents have the room for us all.

    As I keep on saying though all of is when it gets too much & we are missing Daddy when he goes home in the evening is this will end, the end result will be with and keep your eyes on the prize.

    • We do ask ourselves the question but one thing we are getting right is the homeschooling I think. Though at the moment we are deschooling but we are out every day experiencing new things and places, meeting people, I am driving again. We have offered E and W to return to school but at the moment in spite of mad moments we are happy. One thing we have been thinking about is some childcare for Bea, so that she can have some baby time and I can teach E and W. I am definitely looking forward though and planning for September x

      • I thought when I pressed post I’m sure you had asked yourself the same question. Especially after a day like today.

        What a learning experiencw for E & W seeing a build like this first hand. Opens up scope for all sorts of questions and scenarios for play.

        In my opinion & I only know your through reading the blog, some childcare for Bea sounds a fab idea. She sounds a formidable little lady! Also like you said she gets some baby time, something the youngest misses out on in most families I would imagine, and you get some structure and dedicated teaching time.

        Just please give yourself a break. You have made some major forward steps recently, such as driving (not easy with 3 little ones in the car at any time) getting out and about again and also doing the build project. Things even a year ago you would not have undertaken. Xxx

  2. It is ok to have days like that Jennie. I have, I have done all the things you did today and felt awful afterwards too. Sometimes you just need that release of emotions. Be kind and understanding to yourself. Hugs x

  3. It happens Jennie, the good thing is you explained to your children why and reassured them. The important thing is that we learn from our experiences be they good or bad, and acknowledge when what happened could’ve been better. We have all been there and done it and regretted too, I’m sure your kids know you love them and have heaps of memories of positive experiences xxx
    P.S. I think I’m right in saying that most soft play places sell socks, just in case you get stuck again…

  4. Ah lovely sorry to hear that you have had a tough week but we all times like this when we shout and scream. All your Children will remember from today is that Mummy took them to soft play and they had a fantastic time. Sending love

    Xxxx

  5. I have been there too. I have got so cross at my children in the car once or twice, and I completely lost my temper and shouted and ranted at them. I felt awful, but it was done. All we can do as parents is learn from this, and do our very best. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, only us doing our best to get it as right as we can. Xx

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