Today was not my greatest day
Far, far from my finest hour
After a week of little sleep
Solo parenting
Stresses and strains of not living at home
Emotional anxiety
The not knowing involved in a big building project
I finally broke
This week has been really, really tough on all of us
We are all unsettled
Unsure
It has been horrible
We have muddled through
As we always do
But the happy family life we crave
Feels nigh on impossible at the moment
Everything is just too much
Feels too hard
A rented house where nothing works
Who would design a house that has no windows to see out of downstairs?
I know we are lucky to have found somewhere to stay
During the renovation process
But the running of the rental
The practicalities of trying to run our family life in it
Have been very, very hard this week
Family life is never at it’s best
When every single one of us is tired
And I think David and I are more stressed and tired
Than perhaps we have ever been
It is a different feeling
To when the twins’ were premature
Or Baby Tilda died
It is a feeling of enormous pressure
To keep all the plates spinning
All the balls in the air
And today
Today I dropped them all
With a spectacular, almighty crash
I was a horrible, horrible mother
And not a very nice human being
I said things to my children
I can never take back
Things I am not in any way proud of
I was in a rage
It was all just too much
And I lost it
I was driving my car
We were supposed to be going somewhere
But I knew I could not go there
So I was just driving
Driving nowhere
And shouting at my children
Until I stopped shouting
And then I just carried on driving
In silence
The loudest silence I have ever heard
And I drove
I had no one to drive too
No one I could talk to
Who would understand
No one to help with the children
So I could curl up in a ball and cry
I drove
Seething inside
Replaying my words
And hating myself more
With the thought of everyone of them
Somewhere in the midst of the madness
I made the decision to head for a soft play
Somewhere my children could be together
Play together
And I could catch a breath
And try to think how I could make them understand
What had happened in the car
As I was driving to soft play
I realised the children had no socks
I drove to a garden centre
Without telling them why
Marched them through the garden centre
Bought them all some socks
Some rather lovely socks
Piled them back in the car
And drove on to soft play
They were, of course, thrilled
My children adore soft play
They all ran around playing together
Sometimes with me
Sometimes without me
And the horror of my episode
Slowly faded away
We talked
We cuddled
We played
I tried to explain
I will never get back today
I cannot erase it from their memories
Or their hearts
Or mine
Mummy was a monster today
I am utterly heart broken
About the whole sorry affair
There is no excuse
And I cannot go back
I am ashamed
I can only try and be better
Going forward
And I am going to try so, so hard
Why can nothing ever be easy?
Why does everything have to hurt?
I would love to end this post
Saying that nothing like this will ever happen again
But all I can honestly do
Is promise to try to be better
And to keep talking to my children
Reassuring them that I love them
That I would never be without them
And saying sorry for making their life so very hard sometimes
I hope one day they will understand
All the plates and the balls
And the spinning
Jennie, firstly don’t be so hard on yourself. We have all said horrible things in the heat of the moment to those we love the most. It happens and they still love us after it all calms down.
However, I have to ask if this is the right time for you to be home schooling? Your not in your happy environment with your amazing play room and all the tools you need for effective teaching and learning. You and David are under a lot of stress with a build project like this and having the children around all day everyday does not allow for any down time to gather your thoughts and have a hot cuppa. Every parent needs a break sometimes.
I also know how it feels to be in a strange environment as from last Friday we are in between homes. We had too move from ours and the new one is not ready until August. At least your together as my husband is staying at his parents and me and our daughter at mine. We couldn’t find anywhere for a short space of time and neither parents have the room for us all.
As I keep on saying though all of is when it gets too much & we are missing Daddy when he goes home in the evening is this will end, the end result will be with and keep your eyes on the prize.
We do ask ourselves the question but one thing we are getting right is the homeschooling I think. Though at the moment we are deschooling but we are out every day experiencing new things and places, meeting people, I am driving again. We have offered E and W to return to school but at the moment in spite of mad moments we are happy. One thing we have been thinking about is some childcare for Bea, so that she can have some baby time and I can teach E and W. I am definitely looking forward though and planning for September x
I thought when I pressed post I’m sure you had asked yourself the same question. Especially after a day like today.
What a learning experiencw for E & W seeing a build like this first hand. Opens up scope for all sorts of questions and scenarios for play.
In my opinion & I only know your through reading the blog, some childcare for Bea sounds a fab idea. She sounds a formidable little lady! Also like you said she gets some baby time, something the youngest misses out on in most families I would imagine, and you get some structure and dedicated teaching time.
Just please give yourself a break. You have made some major forward steps recently, such as driving (not easy with 3 little ones in the car at any time) getting out and about again and also doing the build project. Things even a year ago you would not have undertaken. Xxx
Thank you x Will let you know how we get on x
It is ok to have days like that Jennie. I have, I have done all the things you did today and felt awful afterwards too. Sometimes you just need that release of emotions. Be kind and understanding to yourself. Hugs x
It happens Jennie, the good thing is you explained to your children why and reassured them. The important thing is that we learn from our experiences be they good or bad, and acknowledge when what happened could’ve been better. We have all been there and done it and regretted too, I’m sure your kids know you love them and have heaps of memories of positive experiences xxx
P.S. I think I’m right in saying that most soft play places sell socks, just in case you get stuck again…
Do you know, I did wonder about that?!?
Please don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have days and moments like that. I know I certainly do. Sending love and hugs x
Ah lovely sorry to hear that you have had a tough week but we all times like this when we shout and scream. All your Children will remember from today is that Mummy took them to soft play and they had a fantastic time. Sending love
Xxxx
I have been there too. I have got so cross at my children in the car once or twice, and I completely lost my temper and shouted and ranted at them. I felt awful, but it was done. All we can do as parents is learn from this, and do our very best. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, only us doing our best to get it as right as we can. Xx