Missing Matilda Mae: Three Years On

Monday will be three years since we said goodbye

Three long years

Life has gone on

As it has a habit of doing

Our living children are growing

The hole left in our lives remains

TILDA AND ME

I cry less now

But I still think of my daughter every single day

I still mention her in some way

Every single day

And most days Esther and William do too

I am still determined that she will never be forgotten

There are now only two people

Aside from me who remember every Saturday

And mark the second of every month

I struggle with how little our family and friends seem to think about Tilda

Hardly anyone ever mentions her name

While there are people we have never met

Who send cards and messages

For her birthday and anniversaries

There are friends and family who do not

Friends and family who held her

Played with her

Now act as though she was never here

I often feel like screaming at them

Reminding them of our other daughter

Because she is still our daughter

She will always be our daughter

Just as much as our living children

Tilda is our child too

Three years on

And I miss my baby girl more than words can say

I am so very grateful to the very few people who still talk about her

Remember her

Ask about her

And are not afraid to mention her name

I am so grateful to the handful of people who send cards for her birthday

Gifts for her garden

It makes such a difference knowing our little girl is not forgotten

Life changes when a baby dies

You see the world through very different eyes

Your needs and priorities

And those of your immediate family change

Losing a baby is not something you get over

Every single day I miss Tilda for all she was

And wonder what she would be today

I get so angry when I think what she should be today

Three years on and I am still battling depression

And anxiety

It comes and goes

Ebbs and flows

Much like grief itself

One moment I will feel fine

And the next I can be entirely overcome

Sobbing, screaming, silent

tilda funeral star

Since Bea was born

I have focused on being mummy

I have tried to return to teaching

But think I tried too soon

This year is the year that Tilda should have started school

I know that I cannot be in a classroom

It will just be too hard

I am disappointed with myself at the moment

I do not feel much of anything at the moment

I find smiling hard

Laughing hard

This year is my 40th year

And I cannot make a decision about what I want to do to mark the occasion

I cannot commit

I struggle to make decisions

I am scared of making plans

I do not like being too far from home

Hate being away from David

Hate David being away from me

Hate the children being too far from us

Outliving one of your children

Changes your whole world

And everything in it

Forever

It does not get easier

It does not go away

Every day I live without Tilda

Every day is a fight to survive

And then other days

Mothers Days

Family days

Birthdays

They are so so hard

The reality and oppression of death

Chokes and smothers

I feel like I am drowning

I am there but not present

Present but bot really there

And the eve of the day

Is the worst time of all

The dark before the dawn

The still before the dawn

I miss my daughter

I love my baby girl

Please acknowledge she is missing

Respect that we are hurting

Tell us you remember her

Please say her name

taking tilda

15 thoughts on “Missing Matilda Mae: Three Years On

  1. Jenny, Matilda Mae is remembered and talked about so many many people, people that only know you and her through your blog, that tell other people about her and mention her name all the time. She will never be forgotten. Ever. I write her name in the sand on every beach we ever go to, and I often wonder if anyone else reads it and knows what it means and who it represents. Much love and hugs to you, David, Esther, William, Bea and of course to baby Tilda. Xxx

  2. I’m so sorry to read these words. To feel your pain and sadness. I’m so sorry that another human should feel this was. Should have experienced this greif. The bravery and strength you show daily as you provide love and support to all that around you. And Tilda is right there beside you giving mummy that extra nudge if encouragement. Tilda is loved. You are loved.

  3. Jennie, I cannot imagine that people in your life are trying to hurt you by not talking about baby Tilda, it is probably more that they are trying not to hurt you, in that moment, by talking about her. Of course she will never be forgotton by you or your family, but the harsh reality is that life goes on for the living and the dead will be remembered by those closest to them in life. It is very easy for people on social media to talk about and remember Tilda with you, I have been looking at your posts for years, every since I came across a link on another blog. I feel for you, I empathise with you, I feel so sorry for you, I wish things were better for you, I wish this had never happened to you. But it is easy for me to see say this to you and to write Tildsa name because I don’t know you, I have never met you or Tilda,. I really think that you have tried to deal with this horrendous situation by yourself, maybe by using this blog as a sort of therapy, as a way of putting your feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective, but I don’t think that it is working. For your own sake would you think of going to some sort of professional help. someone who might help you to live with what you are going through. I know that nothing you do or anyone you talk to will change the fact that your daughter Tilda died, but it might help you regain some of the person that you so much are – a good kind loving wife and mother who lives for her family and wants them to have all the beauty that the world has to offer.

  4. So sorry you are feeling this way jenny. I can imagine that three years on you are no less shocked or saddened by your loss than the day you found her. You’ve merely just learned to fuction. It by no means makes it any less painful.
    Jenny, have you been able to tell your friends what you need from them? Have you been able to say to them that you need to talk about Tilda. That it would mean the world to you to hear them speak of her? Sometimes you just have to tell people what you need. Xxx

  5. My dearest cousin, best friend who I grew up with, spent summers with and lived as single girls in London with sadly loss her daughter at 10 weeks from a heart defect…she was my God Daughter…but I still needed to know from my cousin what she wanted from me in terms of remembering. Like many who do not experience such grief, for a long time I felt that maybe I should not talk about her, as if in some way I would make my cousin sad or my cousin might not want me to speak about her as my cousin might have been having a day that she was feeling OK, then me mentioning it would upset her – but know now it does not work like that, and that most parents that lose a child need to hear their name and want friends/family to talk about them and remember them. Please Jennie tell your close friends / family that you want them to remember Matilda Mae, you’d love to hear from them on her birthday / anniversary – happy to receive a note/card – if they see something nice for her garden they should feel free to get it – I think people need ‘permission’, they need to know that you want that, as unless one experiences it first hand, we just think that the parent does not want us to bring their loss up. Your close friends/family will feel so bad to know how you feel and that you have not said, in the early months and years I could have been a better support to my cousin if I had known – it also creates a divide/bitterness on your side which probably, if you told them, would be fixed and no need to be there.

  6. Jennie, I have been following your blog for about two years. You are a very brave lady and a wonderful mum. I don’t have any solutions but please be gentle and kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and grow stronger. What you’re feeling is normal I’m sure. Baby Tilda is still around you and she is by your side. Lots of love x

  7. I remember stumbling across your story three years ago, soon after you lost your beautiful girl. I followed your posts for a few weeks afterwards, and felt the loss with you even though we have never met. Your stories and words moved me.
    Ive wondered how you and your family are a couple of times over the past few years, and again today – which has led me here. I am sat here with a smile to see your beautiful new baby and growing children.
    So yes, I remember Matilda Mae. A little girl I never met, but I remember her. Shes still here and always will be xx

  8. My heart breaks for you Jennie and I wish I could do something or say something to make you feel better. I cannot imagine what you are going through and guess there isn’t a magic number or time it takes to feel “better” about losing a child. MM will never be forgotten and her short life was not in vain though, you have done so much to help families like yourselves. Despite the missing piece of your puzzle you are allowed to feel happy again, to laugh and smile and be a happy family. I really hope you do someday soon xx

  9. Can honestly say I have thought of Matilda Mae everyday in the last three years. I don’t think I will ever forget her face. She was borm 3 months before my eldest child. I loved reading your blog during my first pregnancy, reading about your adventures with your beautiful baby Tilda and of course the twins to. I’ll never forget sitting up in bed breastfeeding my son and sobbing reading your devastating news. You must feel so alone sometimes, no ones grief can ever compare to a mothers.. but I think Matilda Mae touched so many more hearts than you realise

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