Living For Tilda

2016 is well under way now

But for me and for mine

A new year is just beginning

Another year without our Tilda

Without our baby in the sky

This year should be her fourth year

This year is my fortieth year

This is a year for living

This is a year to choose life

I am going to be #livingforTilda

Recently I have learned

That I am not yet ready to give myself to others

I only have the strength and the energy to focus on me

And mine

And now

Grief is tiring

It is a daily struggle

But I am able to beat the battles

To embrace and deal with my grief

And care for my family

If I put me and my family first

#familyfirst

So this year I will no longer be hiding behind Matilda Mae

I will be #livingforTilda

I don’t think it is going to be easy

I am still going to find living hard

But my plan is to focus on the little things

Find the positive in every day

#embracehappy

And make magical memories with my children

All of them

Here and in heaven

A new Tilda year

A new start for our family

And this is how …

Take Better Care of Me
I say this at least once a year

But I mean it this time

It is time to take better care of me

So that I can better take care of them

My plan?

A weekly bath

Reading books

Solitary swimming

Country walks

Lunches with friends

Dinners with David

Time for me

That is mine

To do things that make me happy

snow7

Take Better Care of David
He is the protector

He looks after us all in so many ways

He provides for us

Saves us

Saves for us

Keeps us safe

He is the fixer

The facilitator

The Daddy

He is our everything

Everything he does is for us

I need to make it possible for him to have time for him

To do what makes him happy outside of the family home

Running

Training

Creating

Drinking and dining with friends

David needs time to be David

As I need time to be me

Then we also need time to be together

As a couple as well as a family

As with all things and all people

We need time

Going Places

This year I want to try and move forward

I want to get back my hunger for life

I want to appreciate the little things

But also have some big things to look forward to

Some places to go

I am planning to spend a few weeks with my parents in Spain

We will have Tilda’s birthday at Coombe Mill Farm

And Esther and William want to return to Bluestone again

My sister and I are planning a long weekend in Germany

It is my 40th year!

And because it is a special year

I would also like this to be the year

We take our children to Lapland

For all the magic of Christmas

But also because

When Tilda died

It was winter for such a long time

And we have not really had a proper winter since

In all that my missing Tilda

I am longing for snow

The ice cold, beauty of snow

snowman

Being Mummy

I think since Tilda died

I have not been a brilliant Mummy

I have been distracted

This new Tilda year

I am determined to be the best Mummy I can be

I want all my time and energy to be focused on being a good Mummy

Good enough

A Mummy that all my children can be proud of

I want to enjoy being with my children

I want my job to be playing with them

Teaching them

Learning with them

Adventuring alongside them

I have already taken the first steps needed to make this so

Home Improvements

This year we are extending and improving our house

Making it into a family home

That will help us make the most of our time together

three

We moved into this house in July 2012

Tilda died in 2013

Our hopes and dreams for the house were halted

But we are ready now

To create something wonderful

For us all to enjoy

This new year

This new Tilda year

Is all about making the little things the big things

Making the moments count

Making magical moments that will be treasured memories

We know all too well

That each day may be our last

It is time to start living again

#livingforTilda

And putting our #familyfirst

the three

All of these plans

These hopes and dreams

Take time and thought and money

Making financial resolutions for the new year

Will help us reach our goals

And achieve our dreams

Little bit by little bit

Because the little things

Make the big things possible

It is time to start living again

#livingforTilda

And putting our #familyfirst

This post was written in collaboration with TSB

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