Anniversary Eve: Three Years On

Sitting here

In the dark

A snuffling rainbow baby in my arms

Dream feeding

Tears stain my face

My heart hurts

As my timeline fills with pink and purple stars

I feel sick to the soles of my feet

Three years ago I did not know this pain

I did not bear these scars

Or feel these hurts

Three years ago

She was here

And I was whole

In a way I never can be again

looking up

Three years without my baby girl

I cry less

I am less outwardly sad

But the erratic piercing numbness remains

The contradictions of feeling and unfeeling and not feeling

Not knowing

Not remembering

How to be

I am still angry with the world

I hate myself

I know no peace

I cannot settle to anything

Commit to anything

For fear it will be snatched away

I cannot lay my baby down

I am terrified she would not get up again

I am a terrible wife

A half hearted mother

An ungrateful daughter

An unthinking sister

An utterly broken

Unable to be mended

Mess of a human being

I am lucky to still have the people I have

I do not deserve them

Having spent three years trying my hardest to push them all away

I hate that some days are easier now

That I smile without thinking

Laugh more freely

The guilt cripples me

Over shadows all joys

And what the guilt does not disable

I punish myself

I am my own worst enemy now

For all those who thought this would get easier

Get better

It does not

It will not

It cannot

Grief changes and grows

It ebbs and flows

But it never ever goes away

I will always miss my baby

Every day for the rest of my life

The stars that once flooded social media

Now trickle

Life goes on

But for me the horror remains the same

I have just learned to conceal it

Grown better at being brave

Though not behind closed doors

There I am a monster

Battling my demons

Day by day

Making and breaking promises to myself

Hour by hour

People tell me I am strong

I am brave

But they do not see

What those closest see

The bare bones of what is left of me

Three years on

Different

Yes

Better

No

Easier

No

Life goes on

Lifeless

Without my baby girl

In my fourth year without her

I know things need to change

I know I need to try

I know I need to live

Before I am left not only broken

But broken and alone

It is time to start living for Tilda

Because I did not die with her

Perhaps I should

But I did not and she is gone

I live on

And I want to make my children proud of me

All of them

Time to live for Tilda

And stop hiding behind Matilda Mae

TILDA AND ME

In the dark

A snuffling rainbow baby in my arms

Dream feeding

Tears stain my face

My heart hurts

As my timeline fills with pink and purple stars

I feel sick to the soles of my feet

Three years ago I did not know this pain

I did not bear these scars

Or feel these hurts

Three years ago

She was here

And I was whole

11 thoughts on “Anniversary Eve: Three Years On

  1. So beautifully written. As always your writing brims with the love you have for all of your family. The depth of your grief a very painful reflection of the enormous depth of your love. How lucky all of your children have been and are to have such a mother. I truly believe that love like this stays with children all of their lives and beyond. Be gentle with yourself now. Thinking of you x

  2. Oh Jennie, this is beautiful and heartbreaking but yes, live you must. You have soooooo much to give, you have given so much already. You are strong. You may be the bare bones but the things those bones have achieved, oh my goodness, just wait until the flesh starts to regenerate. Live for Tilda, live for your beautiful family, but most of all, live for you!!!! You are a beautiful woman, incredibly gifted in so much, you are still finding your feet, you have thrown yourself into so much. Our candles are lit tonight for Matilda xxx she will never be forgotten

  3. Life goes on, of course it does. But I for one will never ever forget Matilda Mae. I remember exactly where I was where I saw your horrendous tweet and a week or so later my youngest little girl was born. MM changed me as a Mummy and I truly won’t ever forget her or you Jennie, long after I’ve stopped blogging and long after my children are grown up. I don’t drop in here as much as I should anymore but know that I think of you often. Sending you so much love. Xx

  4. Beautiful and shattering.

    So sorry for your loss and pain. I’m glad you’re ready to live for her again. It’s one of the hardest things to do when you’re grieving but one of the most important too. Thinking of you all x

  5. I didn’t know about you or your blog until today, until I heard of your story and read your posts.

    I don’t know what to say other than that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Tilda is beautiful, she is a shining star and although I am in floods of tears for you, I can see that she brightened up a room with that gorgeous smile and she blessed you in so many ways.

    I wish I knew what else to say, I know nothing will comfort you really but she would want you to live for yourself and your family.

    Take care, thinking of you

    X

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