Finding Peace and Happiness

It is here

The week of BETT

The beginning of the end

The beginning of reliving the end

Tilda’s end

tilda day

Tilda died on the last day of BETT 2013

David had been working away all week

Had barely seen us all

This is a tough time of year for us

On so many levels

In so many ways

This year will be the third anniversary of Tilda’s death

Three long years without our baby girl

An eternity

That sometimes feels like the blink of an eye

beautiful baby tilda

I am honestly amazed that I am still here

Still going on

Still going on going on

But here I am

Planning the ways, the days

To remember our beautiful daughter

Our little girl who should soon be turning four

Should soon be starting school

Our little girl always missing

Forever part of all we do

Gone

Baby Tilda

For three years I have refused to live because of Tilda

I have shut out the people in my life who love me most

I have hidden away from normal life

But not any more

This year

My 40th year

I choose to live again

I choose to honour my daughter

By living for her

Living through her

And making every moment count

bea inspired

Bea is my inspiration

Her enormous appetite for life

Her ability to do anything she puts her mind to

Her total absence of fear

bea fearless

I want to live again

For my children

All of them

I have been thinking about when I was most happy as a Mummy

It was 2011 – 2012

Esther and William were the age that Bea is now

I was pregnant with Tilda

The scary part of raising premature twins seemed over

My pregnancy was straightforward

I was out every day with Esther and William

To one or two classes a day

We had a great routine

We were out and about all the time

Doing things, seeing people

I was not scared or anxious

I was a confident mummy of twins

I was not grieving

I was full of hope

The future looked bright

bright future

I want to find that happiness again

Feel that peace

For too long I have misplaced my loyalty

Had my priorities wrong

It is time to make them right

My living children need to be my main priority

Before my grief

Before my fundraising

Before campaigning

Before my blog

My job

The children that I teach

2015-12-29 14.20.01

I have been blinded by fear and pain, loss and grief

But now I am starting to feel

And I know what I want to do

What I need to do

For me

My husband

And our very precious little people

My focus, my energy, my attention

Needs to be at home

I want to enjoy my children as they grow

Without distraction

Without guilt

Without fear

I love them unconditionally

And I want them to know

I want them to see and feel my love

I want them to never ever doubt

That they are my peace

They are my happiness

They are my love

choose life

9 thoughts on “Finding Peace and Happiness

  1. I think this is the hardest balance to reach, because there’s that primal part of you screaming out to not leave your daughter behind, and then there’s another, longing to live and do right by your living children. I don’t have other children yet; Lily was my first, but I do feel guilty towards Lily for shutting down and not living, because I just want to make her proud. I feel grateful for this time I have to just focus on Lily and she gives me the strength to face every day. It’s the most conflicting reality in the world to face, but you’re doing bloody brilliant, and by living, you’ll be living right there in the now with all four of your babies by your side <3

  2. So lovely to hear the turnaround and the positivity, especially at such a difficult time. Hoping you have found some peace with yourself and that you can enjoy the life ahead of you all whilst still remembering Tilda x

  3. Beautiful, as always. I hope that you find your peace and happiness lovely. It is so important to put your family and happiness first. I look forward to reading your journey to a happier you. Hugs Lucy xxxx

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