I think this was inevitable
That by the end of term I would be feeling utterly broken
From somewhere I now need to summon the energy to make Christmas special for my family
There is so much to do
I have exhausted all my energies and enthusiasm at school these past few weeks
Emotionally and mentally it has cost me dearly
And there is no stopping for a rest now
Now I have to make magical things happen for my living children
While missing my dead baby with all my heart
I find it very hard to find peace at this time of year
Today the tears before breakfast were mine
The sleepless night before was mine
So much to do and so little time
You literally cannot see the floor in most rooms of our house
There is no Christmas tree
No decorations
Most pockets of the advent calendar are still full of chocolate
Cards for school friends half written
Presents for teachers not made or bought
It is too late for us and advent this year
I can only promise my children that next year will be better
Next year my focus, enthusiasm and energy will all be for them
Today we have started our Christmas holiday a day early
We are all exhausted and have nothing left to give
We are having a quiet day
Wrapped in the arms of our dear friends
Before trying tomorrow
To make a start on Christmas
I am feeling very low
And very disappointed in myself
For forgetting what is most important
Who is most important
And who should be given the best of me
Family first
At Christmas time and always
Oh hun please don’t feel bad or disappointed. Christmas is bloody hard when you are missing are child! This is the first year that we have felt remotely ‘ok’ at Christmas and even then the kids advent calenders haven’t been open, there are chocolates still in all the dates I think, and we only got our decorations up 11 days later than usual. You know what they don’t care. They really don’t.
As long as you get through the day, and I only ever get through the day.
We have a routine now I will cry at some point but then I try my hardest to just be happy for the boys. They have about 30 mins on Christmas Day without us, where we go to Rhianna, they are always asked if they want to go, Baba has never said yes yet. But that is Mr L and my time with her, and then we go back and get on with the day for the boys.
My sister always buys for Rhianna, something for her grave usually, that the boys open and we always light a candle in the evening. Santa usually leaves a balloon for Rhianna as well. Maybe he could leave bubbles! The boys love that and it means she is very much included every year xx
Wow Jennie. I hear you big time. But I keep reminding myself, all the kids need is Mummy to be be happily singing Christmas carols and that feels like Christmas more than anything else.
What a beautiful Christmas photo! Print that and pop it on the wall…what better decoration could there be?!
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.
Felicity xxx