As I write this
I am sat in the pitch black lounge
Listening to Esther alone in her bedroom
Unable to sleep
With Bea asleep on my lap
Meaning I cannot make a cup of tea let alone any dinner
William is in hospital
A swollen face and no one knows why
Daddy is with him
Settling down for night number two away from home
Courtesy of the NHS
I should be with William
I am his mummy
But Esther and Bea need me too
Especially Bea
She still sleeps on me
She still feeds from me
I should have been nicer to Esther when I collected her from school
I was not horrible
Just preoccupied
Juggling a tired Bea
My worries for William
My anxiety about not being able to work tomorrow
The voices in my heard were screaming at each other
Battling with one another
I should have snuggled up with Esther
I should have gone to William
Allowed David a night at home
But what about school?
What about those children who rely on me?
What about the teacher waiting patiently for my plans?
David says I need to get some perspective
I think my perspective is clear
My family should absolutely come first
But it is just not that simple with a teaching job
I am so far behind with my work for school
Displays need updating
Books need marking
Plans need annotating
Every week I say that I will work a long day
Into the night and get everything done
But something always comes up
I am ill
A child is ill
Something happens, gets in the way, goes wrong
Other people juggle their school work with their family
I am throwing my hands up high in the air
And saying, I cannot
I cannot be a mummy and a teacher
Not right now
It is too hard
I want to put my family first
Without worrying about the consequences for other families
For the children I teach
My three small, young children need their mummy
And my husband needs a wife
A wife he can rely on
That does all the things that need doing in the home
So that he can do what needs doing to earn the money
So that he can go out and work
And fall in love with his business again
Fall in love with me again
We barely talk at all these days
We are so tired
Battered and emotionally bruised
We just say what needs to be said to get through a day
But we do not talk
I started teaching again because Esther and William’s school needed a teacher
Because I wanted to help the school
Be part of the school
Play a role in my children’s education
But 8 weeks in and I am really, genuinely worried that I have made a mistake
I love the job
I love teaching
I love planning and coming up with creative ideas
I have recently written a Nativity and a Remembrance Service
I have come up with some wonderful activities to inspire learning in my classroom
But I have not yet had a week at school without something going wrong
A TA quitting
My job share leaving
Family illness
My own sickness
Constant wonderings about what it is I am trying to do
What it is I want to be
Tonight my little boy is in hospital
A swollen face and no one knows why
Today I once again left a hospital without my child
I wish I knew what I should do
I wish that life would please give me and my family a break
I know we are more fortunate than many
But this past six years we have surely had our fair share of hell?
I long for a carefree day in the sun
I long for peace in my head and my heart
I wish I knew what I should do
I think your feelings are sadly very common amongst teachers. I constantly battle the family/work guilts. It is very difficult to be a good teacher and a good wife and mum. It seems to be either one or the other. Stick with it, it’s tough but rewarding too. You sound like an amazing teacher and you have lots to offer. X
I teach and have 2 children…..very hard, very guilty. …part time is the only way to find a balance.
Your children are only young once….I think you know the answer. Be brave x
I have never gone back to the classroom. With no local family, and a husband who works long hours and is often away, I just don’t know how I would do it. I miss it though, and I know that the longer I wait, the harder it will be to go back.
Firstly may i wish that William makes a full and speedy recovery and that the doctors find the cause quickly to put your mind at rest.
It is very easy for people to tell you to be less hard on yourself but you are a mum and loving multiple children equally, will always make you feel torn, especially when one needs you more than others. William won’t resent you for not being there overnight. He has his daddy. You are only one person and even the most amazing human beings can’t physically split themselves numerous ways all at the same time.
Which brings me into teaching. When i read your intention to return to teaching i worried for you. I didn’t express this is writing because i didnt want to bring negativity to a situation that was your decision and could have, and still may, have been the best thing for you. I also admired you greatly. I trained as a primary teacher when i was single. I had no commitments. And i worked SO hard. Every spare minute was spent cutting and laminating, planning, preparing, marking, assessing, and importantly thinking about the children in my class. In my first year as an nqt i put everything i had into my class. And i burned out. Physically and emotionally. I was drained. But then i meet my now husband and his daughter. She was four. Her mum died when she was 18 months old so he was a full time single parent. Until i came along. Then we became full time parents together. Suddenly i had other people to think and care about. Trying to build a relationship with a step child is the hardest, and remains the hardest, thing I’ve ever done. And not being able to take her to school, see assemblies, go to parents evenings etc etc took its toll. My teaching suffered. I started to care less, spent less free time in evenings and weekends working. And if course my performance in the classroom suffered. I blamed myself for being a rubbish teacher (having previously been awarded outstanding) and a rubbish parent. I would take out my bad day and frustrations on her….if the children in class had been hard work id treat her with the same exasperation when i got home. It reinforced the fact she wasn’t mine. And the tricky relationship between us still exists 6 years later.
However there have been changes. I couldn’t bear the fact i was letting my class down and I resented losing family time to do even half of work i should have been. I cut my work down to 2 days but found the amount of work was still almost as much as with a full time job, just less money! Eventually i felt the right thing to do was to leave.
Since then i have had a child of my own and an currently pregnant with my second. People always assume I’ll go back to teaching once they are at school. But i genuinely don’t think i can. Which is why i admire you, and other teachers who are parents to young children, greatly. The thought i couldn’t pick up my child from school or see assemblies etc would just cause me too much pain. I know other jobs can restrict this too but sometimes there’s flexibility. At no point can you just leave your class of 30 children to their own devices can you! Let alone get out of weekly meetings, parents evenings, development days etc etc. You are obviously in a slightly different position, teaching at the same school your children attend, so some of these drawbacks won’t affect you. But the workload still encroaches on family life. And you, more than most sadly, have been through far too much to add unnecessary stress to yourself.
Sorry for rambling but basically don’t be afraid of coming to a decision that is right for you and your family right now. If teaching had to wait a few years so be it. Whilst i still passionately believe in teaching as a career, i know my love for my children is greater and that where i am needed most is at home with them for the time being. Financially it’s a struggle but worth the sacrifice. Maybe in the future i will have the strength to return to education in some fashion. Maybe a ta so i can still have an influence on the education of others, but be able to largely leave work at work and give my family the time they need.
Whilst you meet many children who don’t have great home lives and you feel as their teacher you can make a difference, it’s important, in my opinion, to make sure you have no regrets when it comes to your own children. And i know the amount of time needed to be a good teacher, can make it unnecessarily hard to have enough time where its really valued. With your own loving family.
This is of course only my experience and i hope you find the right course of action for you but please don’t feel guilty for holding off your obvious talent for teaching for the immediate future of that is what you need to do to be happy with your family. All the very best xx
Oh Jennie,
what a position to be in, my heart goes out to you right now.
I never looked on teachers being parents too, struggling with the juggling of all it entails.
Family come first, as someone else said our children are only small for such a short period of time.
Only you can decided what direction you need to go in, many times life throws a curve ball and you have had your fair share of the worst of times, this is one of those times, where I bet you wish you could cut yourself in two and be in both places at once.
I hope they find out what is wrong with William asap, bless him & he gets home where he belongs asap.
I overdid it last year, trying to be everywhere, trying to fit in, trying to join everything that was local, trying to be a lone parent to four, but I tried so hard I crumbled and then learnt to say this year NO, no I can not go to meetings, no I can not run this charity event, as actually in trying to do so much, my children suffered and they did nothing to deserve a mum who was so stressed at home, it hasn’t been easy, but I have even cut back right down my workload and although organisations are asking when my year is up, I look forward to gently getting involved.
You need to look at this time as being VERY challenging, you love teaching, once William is home, maybe you can carry on juggling and continue not only being a mum but doing something you love and are good at, teaching, so don’t be hasty right now, take each day as it comes.
Sending massive hugs x
We love you x Jennie x be kind to yourself x you know the right decision for tonight and tomorrow x school can manage without you, for as long as it takes x then make your decision x sadly it’s dawned on me what you may have to do, but I am not sure you are ready (or ever will be) x I think you need to let go, let go of the guilt and pain of the past x allow yourself to live in the present, let your friends and family be there for you, to cry on, talk to & help you in each and every way x I hope this is possible for you one day, even if today is not that day x there is a part of you that will never heal from losing Tilda x but the rest of you must hon x
Other people juggle their school work with their family – this comment made me feel compelled to try and help you feel better. I was a teacher and absolutely didn’t handle my school work. I worked 6 nights a week, often till 11pm and yet never cleared my work load. I was so depressed due to the pressures and the lack of attention I felt I was giving to my husband and children and had forgotten how to relax. Then in 2012 I lost my closest friend (Multiple Mummy) and my whole world changed. As much as I loved working with children, I saw that life is worth living and the sacrifices teaching forces you to make are not worth it. I think you are an amazing writer and clearly a fabulous teacher…. channel this as you are so useful to the teaching profession…. set up a teaching blog with ideas, resources etc…. I for one would definitely value such a resource from you (if I was still teaching) I hope you find happiness… if your heart is telling you to be with your family then follow it. Best wishes.
Just wanted to add a little two penneth.
My husband always says that the kind of teacher you want for your children is not the kind of teacher you want to be married to!
Since having my two children I have taught 0.88 (2 yrs), 0.77 (1 year) and 0.6 (1 year). I find 0.6 manageable. Everything above has tipped the work life balance.
I currently teach ppa. It’s the way forward. All the fun and creativity of teaching without the responsibility.
Two days would appeal but sadly the finances wouldn’t allow.
Ps displays can wait. Annotating plans can wait. Planning doesn’t need to be to the nth degree. Your children will feed off your creativity. Don’t beat yourself up. It WILL be good enough.
Saw this and thought of you. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3310163/Teacher-s-astonishing-rant-resented-kids-class-creating-heavy-workload.html
I decided when our children were young that I would not work in paid employment. No matter how much I thought I needed it, no matter how nice the money would have been. I decided my family came first, last and in the middle. And the rest of the world could take a number and wait their turn. I have never regretted my decision and my eldest in now a teenager. They know they can rely on me and to me, that is my most important job.
I hope you can find a decision that works for you. And I hope William recovers quickly.
Hi Jennie
You wrote that “Other people juggle their schoolwork and their family”, but have they been what you have? Very unlikely, and many who have not suffered as you have are struggling too. Believe me also, those of us with young children who have not suffered the losses you have, still find it a strain on our relationship/marriage – so do not feel you are falling short and everyone else is managing well on that front either!
From reading your posts I definitely think you should step away from being a classroom teacher until all the children are at least in school – sorry to be so direct, but I feel like you know that too – but are maybe scared to do what you know you want/need to do in case you let others down or people will think you have failed in some way. Your words are clearly showing that it is not making you or your family happy, and stepping away would be best for you all…and maybe your class for now too, in the sense that if you are unhappy it is no good staying out of guilt for the children in your class, they will be fine! Or could you still add to the school on a voluntary basis, if you feel like you are leaving them?
Leaving classroom teaching at the end of this (if possible) or next term is not a failure, it is actually the wisest thing to do given what you have said and well done for trying – bringing something to the school in the short time you’ve been there, and knowing that it just was too early – not that it was not ‘right’ or it was ‘wrong’ to try it, just it was too early.
You are an amazing teacher – have you thought of maybe creating teaching resources for other teachers & homeschooling parents that could be sold online to generate income for you? Plus give you a flexible way to use your teaching skills, creativity and passion in the interim before returning to a classroom one day when the timing is better?
I don’t know, it just seems that in each post you have written about teaching since going back to it, is it is moving you further away from your hope enjoy carefree days in the sun again and making you all more unhappy:(
Axx
PS creating something like this online company does that provides teaches resources, or even working part-time for them maybe might be a good flexible option: http://www.twinkl.co.uk/careers
Excuse the typos, started to write and wanted to finish, but in a rush as it is bath and bedtime next!!
I think teaching and being creative is hugely important to you and you should keep doing it. You are always striving for perfection and it doesn’t exist! You are talking like you haven’t tried the stay at home mum thing but you have and was you happy. No one would ever question who comes first in your life, it’s quite obvious it’s your children.
Could you and your husband take a 50/50 role? E.g you both work part time. Is he able to keep doing what he loves but just on a smaller scale for a while. You say he wants to make you happy X