Miserable Mistaken Me

It has been three weeks since I wrote this post

And I still have no answers

I still have made no firm decisions

I still do not feel happy

I feel tired and emotional

I feel that I am trying to do two jobs badly

I am not being a very good teacher at the moment

And I am certainly not being a very good mummy

The stress and pain of juggling the two really hurts

I miss my children more than I thought I would

I am not enjoying school as much as I thought I would

Being a mother

Being a bereaved mother

It has changed every part of me

I am not happy

I want to be happy so much

But I feel so guilty for even wanting to try

Being a good teacher is very important to me

But not as important as being a good mummy

Every day and week that passes is one that I will not get back

We, as a family, will not get back

I wish I knew what to do

I took this teaching job for one reason

It is at the school that my children attend

I wanted, still want, to help to improve the school

David and I worked hard over the summer

Creating a classroom

Building an outside area

We worked hard knowing that the children would benefit

That in future years our own children would benefit

I was excited about returning to the classroom

About teaching again

The reality has not been much like my dreams

The school is unique in it’s make up

Teaching has changed a lot in the six years I have been out and away

This term has been hard

Hard work in the classroom

An ever growing list of jobs to do

And no time to do them in

Not without never seeing my children

Let alone my husband!

For me to work

David has to care for the children

Meaning he then works on Saturdays

Through the school holidays

We do not get much family time

We do not have any time as a couple

I sneak out of the house at 6am

Trying hard not to wake anyone up

I get home again at bedtime

Just in time for a hug

David runs the house

I do nothing

My heart and soul and every spare five minutes

Is being poured into school

And I am not sure that is how things should be

David and I are in a lucky position

I do not financially need to work

We wanted to help our village school

Our children’s school

And we thought that working might help me

But I am scared I have made a horrible mistake

And I feel trapped

Because any decision I make

Affects so many other people

And I still do not really know

What would make me happy

What would make me happy?

2015-10-25 10.19.31

Waking up early in the morning and wanting to get out of bed

Wrapping up in a warm soft cardigan

Coming downstairs to a coffee machine on a breakfast bar

Having a steaming hot mug of frothy milky coffee

In a warm and tidy family room

Setting the table for breakfast

Making a Bento style lunch for the twins

Being part of my children’s morning routine

Getting them ready for school

Snuggling up to hear them read

Writing notes in their contact books

About adventures we have shared

I would like to run the house

Wave David off to work

I would like to walk my children to school

I would like to make friends with other mums

I would like to take Bea to toddler groups and classes

I would like to take her out for lunch

Into town

I would love one day a week for me

I would use it to swim

See an osteopath

To volunteer in Esther and William’s class

To shop for the things we all need

To have my hair cut

My eyebrows shaped

A little breathing space for me

Perhaps I would write regularly again?

I would like to collect Esther and William from school

Hear all about their day

I would love to play with them at home

Set up small worlds and sensory play

Make their tea

Eat with them

I would like to find time for Tilda again

Work in her garden

Organise an event

Share our story again

I want to spend time with David

I would like to give him the freedom he needs

To do his work and achieve amazing things

I want to go out for dinner with friends

I want to go to the zoo

I want to enjoy days out and holidays

I want to be busy making plans

Plans for us, our family, me

That is what I think could make me happy

But how can I know for sure?

Nothing is ever certain any more

And I cannot make another mistake

Nothing can ever be certain

I want to be happy

I cannot make another mistake

Perhaps we should have a total change and move away to the sea

Perhaps being close to the water, close to Tilda, is what would make me happy?

2015-10-25 10.16.47

16 thoughts on “Miserable Mistaken Me

  1. No one expects anyone to be perfect at everything. Perhaps putting less pressure on yourself to do this would help. I know that sounds mean & I really really don’t want it to. I’ve followed your journey since the night I sat cursing my own little non sleeper while holding him tighter than ever in floods of tears tweeting with you about it all. A bit of my heart broke that night too. Firstly, I don’t think you need to work from 6am to midnight to be a great teacher. The remarks on the cards from your students so far already show they think you’re fab. You also don’t need to do all the bento lunches & sensory play every day to be a great parent – at the end of the day, they just need to know you love them! The last 20 generations have survived without all that stuff! Relax, try to just let lose a bit & not be so much in control & under so much pressure. I’m sure you’re probably already doing this, but counselling and perhaps some medication would probably help to get you to a place where you can be “happy” again. But hey – who do you know who is 100% happy with life- no matter what it’s thrown at them!
    I’m sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh – I don’t want it to. I just want to try to help. Xx

  2. I’m sorry Jennie, I thought you’d be happier being a teacher again, doing things again. 🙁
    What about if you became a swimming teachers, aqua tots kind of thing? It’s teaching, without the long days or planning and it’s by the water?

  3. I read your posts from time to time and think your an incredible lady.

    I feel like you have answered your own question within the words here.

    Stop trying to please everyone else and worrying about letting them down you need to look after yourself to be able to look after your children and husband and it seems that it just isn’t the right time for you to be teaching right now.
    Take a breath and do all the things on your list of “like to do” one at a time, but in order to do them you need to give yourself the time so take a step back from teaching again for now.

  4. Hi Jennie. I think its very clear from your writing what you think you need to donto achieve the best possible level of hapiness for you and your children. I completely agree with you. It is very hard in todays society not to think you will be happiest in paid employment while someone else looks after your children, as this is what everyone does. So I am writing to you as a stay at home mum to encourage you to go with your heart and go back home. I am astonished at what an incredible teacher you are. Truly, i am. Your creative ideas and passion for learning shine out of your blogs and its certain that you help many a mum with ideas for fun learning with their children. You may not be in a classroom within the walls of a school but you can still continue to inspire others in education through social media. You have had a huge impact on thousands of people in this way already! The most important people you need to impact on though is your own children. I am so humbled by
    the things that you achieve for your
    family and others even in your darkest times.Being a stay at home is the most
    satisfying and rewarding job anyone
    could ever ask for. Giving your whole self
    to your children is the most precious gift
    you will ever give them. From what i
    have read you wont be satisfied until you
    are able to give your whole self to them
    again. I am a strong believer that life hasseasons. You may go back to your school life as a teacher when your
    children have flown the nest but for now
    your season is to be there for your
    children and to teach them using the
    amazing skills that you have. What
    greater blessing is there in life is there
    than spending every possible moment
    we can with our children, experiencing
    the highs and lows together. You never
    get the childhood years with them back
    . You should cherish every moment. You
    will never regret a moment spent with
    your children. Its a win win situation.
    You still get to teach and you get to
    teach the most precious people to you in
    the world. I hope you have a lovely,
    lovely day and a fantastic half term. Lots of love xx

  5. I always read your posts and admire your honesty and you write beautifully. I’ve wanted to comment for a while so here goes. I think that you won’t be happy unless you peel away the layers of grief, trauma and anxiety that have built up since your twins premature birth and Tilda’s passing. There is happy underneath there somewhere but it will probably take quite a bit of work, counselling and unfortunately working through a lot of unhappy, to get to happy. You’ve been searching for happy trying lots of different things apart from just stopping, allowing yourself to feel what needs to be felt, deal with whatever needs/feelings/issues that need dealing with, and then emerging Jennie allowing herself to be happy.

    You’ve been through so much and sometimes being in a place that is neither desperately unhappy nor happy is a safe place where you can muddle along and not have to feel or deal with emotions other than keeping too busy to think too deeply. You need to break out of that and find yourself and your way again.

    My heart aches for you and all you have been through and I send much love, healting thoughts, strength, and prayers. We’ve been through baby loss, not a SIDS loss, it is the most gut wrenching, all encompassing grief, and I cannot imagine the pain you have endured with such strength and having a beautiful rainbow baby who is a blessing but also a living reminder of who is missing.

    You mentioned in your last post that you had booked in with a counsellor, I do hope it helps and you can regularly talk to someone who can help you find happy Jennie again. You need to do whatever you can to heal, it will be tough but so are you because you are still here and fighting on. xxxxx

    • This I think is right … I think that you won’t be happy unless you peel away the layers of grief, trauma and anxiety that have built up since your twins premature birth and Tilda’s passing. There is happy underneath there somewhere but it will probably take quite a bit of work, counselling and unfortunately working through a lot of unhappy, to get to happy. You’ve been searching for happy trying lots of different things apart from just stopping, allowing yourself to feel what needs to be felt, deal with whatever needs/feelings/issues that need dealing with, and then emerging Jennie allowing herself to be happy … I just don’t know how!

      • It is unbelievably tough, counselling can help, you are so strong and an amazing woman with a beautiful soul who has helped so many with your writing and raising awareness. I pray that you can find peace and happiness, I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make you happy, you totally deserve all the happiness and joy in the world. Perhaps just paring back work and taking time out will help. Perhaps one or two days a week teaching or volunteering and the rest of the time taking one day at a time and doing one thing each day just for you to nurture yourself. I wish there were easy answers, more than anything xxxxx

  6. Is it possible to go part-time? Would that be better?

    Are you able to put a little bit less of yourself into teaching? Maybe try not to excel at it and instead do a passable job – which I’m sure from reading your blog would still be very, very good!

    x

  7. I’ve read your blog for a long time but have never commented before (usually because there’s always someone saying what I wanted to say but ten million times better!), but I felt compelled to with this. Have you ever heard of the expression “wherever you go, there you are”? No matter what situation we are in or who we’re with or what we do, we bring ourselves with us. If that us is a happy us, then we bring happiness with us, we see things positively, we are content with our situation. If that us is a sad, unhappy us then, guess what, we bring those emotions with us too. So until you are in a position where you have truly dealt with all the hurt and the pain that is going on inside yourself and forgiven yourself and come to some form of acceptance about what has happened, then I’m not sure you are ever going to be truly happy wherever you are or whatever you do. I know this because I too suffered from PTSD, although for very different reasons to yours, and did very similar things for a long time – running from place to place, job to job, situation to situation, searching for something to take away all the pain inside me. I always thought that if I was somewhere else or someone else or doing something else that I would be better and happier and the pain would stop. It was only when I stopped and realised that I was actually carrying all my feelings around with me no matter what I did that I began to make progress.

    I never got on with proper counselling. I found I didn’t want to relive the trauma of what I’d gone through and often came out of sessions feeling worse instead of better. Proper counselling takes a lot of time and commitment, and I’ve never been in a point where I can commit to that.. Plus I already had a lot of clarity and understanding about what happened to me and why. I just didn’t know how to deal with the feelings that came from it. So what has helped me is medication, number one. Please, please, please consider this if you aren’t already taking it. And also practising mindfulness/meditation (there is a great book, Mindfulness by Mark Williams & Danny Penman that I really recommend) and reading lots of Buddhist theory (not as a religious thing, just because I find their approach to life inspiring). I did consider CBT too but the waiting lists here are so long – maybe they’re better near you? Oh, and exercise has been fab – I like the gym, but running is good, or just walking outdoors. You mentioned swimming – is there really no time you could fit this in? Give yourself space and time. If you’re not already working part time then maybe consider this? Don’t make any drastic decisions while you’re feeling the way you do. And stop beating yourself up! You are a great mum and a great teacher. If you weren’t a great mum and a great teacher, you wouldn’t have written this post. I know you don’t believe it, but it’s the truth!

    • This is so so true. Running, changing, moving, staying home, working….none of this will help while you are in the depressed state you are now. Looking back over your past blogs will confirm this.
      None of us are perfect, and striving for perfection will only reinforce the negative feelings you have now.
      Truly, medication could help, as could trying to allowing yourself time to breathe. The above response from someone who has been there is so right.

  8. I have done some coaching training and if someone is at the stage that counselling is what is needed then I would not recommend coaching. Coaching is all about getting people to move forward quickly, but sometimes people are still needing to work through where they are first. In the case though where there is just a specific decision to be made around career or work/life balance for example, like you have said, then maybe a few coaching sessions would work? Coaches use some great tools to help people make a decision if they are stuck and get clarity. I worked with a lovely coach who used to be a teacher, it might be good to ask her for a couple of sessions around this decision? (http://www.the-coaching-academy.com/blog/coaching-articles/coach_in_the_spotlight_-_merete_langler.html / http://langsandcoaching.co.uk). I have to say as well though, in case it applies to you, that there is a quote that says something like “People say it is hard to make a decision, but 99% of the time we know what we want to do, it is just taking that step.”:) x

  9. I just reread your post, taking off my coaching head and being direct, teaching (and I know a few) is tough right now (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-34426598).

    If it is not making you happy, if you feel it is too soon to go back, at least you know that – sometimes we need to try something to exclude it from the list of things that could make us happy – nothing wrong with that! You are allowed and just what you have brought so far especially the amazing outside classroom has been a great thing.

    If it is not right then speak to the Head, after what you have been brought they will understand – and work out an exit plan that suits you and them best. Maybe then offer to volunteer to help a day or 1/2 a week creating activities / spaces – whatever is needed.

    If it is not right for you, David and the family – then no harm has been really done, the harm would be in staying if it is making you all more unhappy / stressed etc.

    Xx

  10. I know the pain of child loss and your story sounds exactly like the struggle my wife has every day. After loss you strive for change. You don’t want things to go back to the way they were. You search for new meaning in your life, new purpose. There needs to be a reason to continue along a new path. You will find this path, you probably don’t realise that you already have in touching so many people by sharing your feelings through this blog. Take time for you and your family that’s what is important and know this…. Matilda Mae would only want her mummy to be happy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *