My heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest
Everything sounds louder than it is
My head is burning
Spinning
I can’t stop thinking
Hearing
My head feels like it is going to explode
My hands are shaking
Irrational fear, anxiety and anger courses through me
I cannot control it
Cannot stop it
I hate what this does to me
Today has been a black day
The darkest day I have had in a long long time
Today grief, depression, PTSD has won
Today I hit my son
Be angry with me
Pity me
Disgusted at me
Disappointed in me
Be whatever you want at me
You cannot hate me more than I hate me
No one can hate me more than I hate me
What kind of mother am I?
Today was the very last thing
I have contacted a counsellor
I cannot do this
Be this any more
I am so broken that no one close to me knows how to help me any more
I am utterly defeated
Deflated
I cannot stand being me
2.5 years of grief has finally taken it’s toll
I hit my boy today
And there is no excuse for that
He hit me in anger
My silly little boy
He hit me in anger
And I hit him back!
I wasn’t really thinking
I did not hurt him
Did not hit him hard
But I hit him all the same
And there is simply no excuse for that
You don’t go lower than that
A heartbreaking horrid end
To a truly awful day
A dark black smog of a day
I smacked my five year old son
Shouted so much I made him cry
The pain of it is piercing my stomach and heart
Like jagged shards of ice
What kind of cold hearted monster am I?
And how long can I go on blame the death of one child
For the despicable way I treat the others?
There is one thing I want in all the world
To have my heart put back together again
To rebuild my broken self
Put back together each fragile part
Before it is too late
Before I really and truly am on my own
Before I drive every one I love away
The few that are left still standing
Because I am just too awful to be around
But this is not me
This is not me
Not really me
Not the real me
It is PTSD and me
Ugly
Cruel
Disgusting
PTSD and me
I want to wrap you in a warm hug, comfort you, tell you that all will be well, wipe away the tears, stop the shakes, reassure you that W will be OK, that you have done the right thing in contacting a counsellor, that life will go on, that there will be more times in the future when the children get angry and shout at you and that you will shout back and say horrible things you don’t mean and wish you could retract.
You are loved. Big hugs. xx
Don’t hate yourself, don’t give yourself a hard time….. I have just done something similar (i’m blaming my depression) but we are just mums, just trying our best. we just mess up now and again.
What makes you a good mum and a good person is admitting your flaws and doing something about it.
I hope you are ok x
Oh jennie
You are anything but a bad mother but I know you won’t believe it. If you were it wouldn’t bother you that you shouted or smacked.
I hope you can see someone very soon to speak to and start to help.
Writing the post and saying you need help is a big, brave first step.
Sending all our love x
I am just so so pleased you are finally going to get some professional help. I’ve seen a counsellor for much less serious issues and she helped me immensely. Of course you can’t do this on your own. You are human! Please try not to beat yourself up too much about today, it was a one off mistake.
Take care of yourself sweetheart. C xx
This is such a painful read. It sounds like a horrendous day, but maybe it happened for a reason. It’s told you that you need to get some help and support. Don’t worry about W. He will be fine. Children are resilient. I always said I wouldn’t smack my children, but I’m ashamed to admit I have once or twice – and I don’t have grief to deal with. I simply got wound up and overwhelmed by day to day life.
You have done a brave thing in contacting a counsellor.
I couldn’t read this without commenting. I have read your blog for quite a while now and you are one of the bravest people I know of. Parenting is the hardest job, in the best of circumstances and from what I read you are a fantastic mummy. We all fail some days, its what we do the next day that makes us who we are. I really hope the counselling gives you some relief. Big hugs xxx
hi Jenny, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. It is hardly surprising. Two and a half years is no time at all really and you’ve had so much change of late, bringing additional pressures.
I am currently taking 20mg of citalopram daily to help treat PTSD. I so didn’t want to take anything for the longest time but in the end I relented because I was just so tired of being tired. I did it for my children and it helped massively. It just took the edge off and made me feel I could move forward at a time in my life where I felt so emotionally stuck.
I don’t know whether you’ve considered this? But it definitely helped me x
Jennie, I’m so sorry you have had such a black day, and I really hope that a counsellor can help you. I contacted one very recently and she really supported me and helped me get things back in perspective. I have no idea how you have continued for so long since Tilda’s passing without professional help, you are remarkable.
But please don’t beat yourself up for long over the incident with W. I have done it on the odd occasion when my eldest has wound me up to the point I snapped and have felt ghastly afterwards, but I said sorry to him, explained that I knew the way I reacted wasn’t right and he forgave me immediately and moved on. Kids are robust and the fact you felt so bad about it after shows that you are anything but a monster.
I hope you can move forward soon.
Xx
Although for very different reasons, I suffer with PTSD as well and I know how sometimes the anxiety and panic can make you behave in ways that otherwise you wouldn’t. You have done the correct thing by calling for help – this shows that you are a good mum and a good person.
Counselling has helped me immensely and I hope it does the same for you. Good luck to you.
xxx
I am a mum with severe post natal depression and my illness has made me do some truely terrible things, but you can not punish yourself. This illness has no limits and no amount of blaming yourself will change that. From a mum who struggles every day to another be kind to yourself and remember the good days, your children love you and although you hate yourself, your childrens love is unconditional and with this on your side, you will never be alone. Take care xx
Jennie it isn’t you. If you were all those things you would not even care about it all. But you do. And taking the first steps towards counselling proves that. We are all here, you have pushed nobody away, at least not me anyway. I’m always here when you need or want me x x x x
I am so sorry To hear how u r. Due to PND i was struggeling anxiety & fear so hard That it not only limited my life with 3 Kids under 2, but also my complete will for life. I got counselling help AND antidepressants. It helped big Time. What i Want To say, is that anxiety & fest are Powerful enough to completely drain you, nevertheless what caused it. You Are so Open in your Blog, i appreciAte this Look into your Soul a lot AND it also Maskes me feel like i Care for you. Please get help, Jennie. There Are medical options and reaching out for them is nothing that defines you. Hope u feel better Soon. K!
Hi Jennie
You are brave for writing such an honest post. It has stayed with me since reading it a few days ago.
One thing that popped into my mind is, have you connected with many other bereaved parents? I have recently met others at a support group and also online (tcf.org.uk) and I find it does help as you are not so ‘alone’. I have really found it a place of understanding which can be lacking in the day to day.
X
This is such a brave post to write. I really admire you Jennie, despite never meeting you, I’m inspired by how you carry on after everything you have faced. I’m inspired by the wonderful activities you do with your children. I’m inspired by the moving posts you write for them – all four of them. Please don’t beat yourself up.
I hope you can get all the help you need.x