A Bad Bad Day

Today is not a good Mummy day

I am not enjoying being mummy at the moment

Bea is one

She is wonderful

Esther and William are 5

They are thriving and full on

Especially William

Their demands are so different

Their needs so far apart

My time is being swallowed by Bea

Every day

Bea Bea Bea

She needs so much from me

My summer of play before starting school

Is just not happening

More and more Esther and William are having to entertain themselves

Every day they ask who is coming to play

They know if it is just me and them

The day will not be good

Thank goodness they have each other

I am so thankful they have one another

Bea’s first year has flown by

I feel like I have been holding her in my arms the entire year

And that is not very much of an exaggeration

She is asleep in my arms as I type

David thinks we just need to decide

From now on she sleeps in a cot

Put her in

Pat her for a bit

And after a few days of heartache and headache

For everyone

It will be done

And maybe that is how it is for a man

But as I watch Esther and William hiding under tables

Because Bea is screaming so much

Because Mummy and Daddy are fighting about the best thing to do

It does not feel right to me

And there is the emotional entanglement

Of trying to reduce breastfeeding

Trying to break the bond that is so so so so strong

For Bea and for me

Their is the heartwrenching, stomach churning emotions

As Bea screams and cries because she has no clue what is going on

She does not know why things ever have to change

I know that she needs to sleep in her own bed

I know she should be not be napping on my knee

Of course I know

I know I have to stop feeding her

I want to stop feeding her so much

And though she feeds only from me

I feel it is something that I cannot just stop on my own

The physical act of doing it is not going to be easy

The emotional impact is going to hurt

It was never going to be easy

And I honestly throw my hands in the air and say

I do not know what to do

I do not know how to make those transitions

Without making everything horrible at home

My heart is breaking in so many ways

Letting Esther and William down continuously

Always saying ‘Not now’ ‘I can’t now’

Always rejecting them for Bea

It was the same with Tilda before

They deserve so very much more from their Mummy

What a rubbish Mummy to them I have been

I have so much I want to give

Time is just slipping away

Chances to make memories are escaping

Without any effort they are floating out of our grasp

And I do not know what to do

I am so tired of fighting

I am so tired from feeding

I long for a night of sleep on my own

I know people will say it is my own fault

I have made this situation

It is only me that can make it right

Some people say I just have to listen to them

Do it their way

I do not know what to do

I do not know what to do!

I would like to spend more time with Esther and William

In these precious preschool days

I would like Bea to see me as more than her bed and her food

I am so excited about going back to work

I am so focused on September

I need to make the most of August first

To sprinkle my children with love

Make sure they go to into the new school year

Confident that I love them

That I will always look after them

That I would do anything for them

I look forward to a day when I am less tired

I know that through working I will be tired

But it will not be the emotional exhaustion of mothering a new born baby

After the death of a daughter

While trying to be mummy to my two super twins

Today is a bad mummy day

A bad family day

Thank goodness Esther and William have each other

I am so thankful that they have one another

one another

6 thoughts on “A Bad Bad Day

  1. William has changed so much. His hair is super dark now. I feel like this all the time, and although P3 refuses to sleep anywhere but her cot or Nuna LEAF, it wasn’t always like that. I still struggle to juggle all three and make sure all three have equal time but ultimately it’s definitely P1 being pushed aside and alone. It’s an awful feeling. I’m hoping there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.

  2. I’ve been there. My youngest as she approached 15 months just wanted to feed and feed of me. If anything she just wanted to feed more and more every day. She didn’t want to go to anyone else, she wouldn’t sleep without feeding. In the end I decided going cold turkey was best, trying to reduce it was only resulting in constant crying which I gave in to. It took 3 days but by day 4 we was over the worst of it and by day 6 it was like she had forgotten about the boob full stop and we was all a lot more happy. Good luck whatever you decide to do x

  3. I found your blog when I worked with a parents group linked to a school nursery and have left a couple of comments and want to leave one more. STOP beating yourself up! PLEASE! I see so much of me in how you’re feeling and now at the grand age of 54 with a 21 and 22 year old I’m further along the path than you and realise i should have ‘cut myself some slack’ Please write down all the wonderful things you do well and when you think you’re getting it wrong remind yourself. Plan each day or half day and don’t set yourself up to fail. Celebrate all you achieve in that day, acknowledge the not so greats but move on.
    I walked away from teaching two years ago and guess what I start back this week….yikes! 6 month contract. So from one slightly wrinkly new girl to another, you’ll be great!
    Last thing I asked my adult sons about what they can remember from years gone by and all they talked about were the good times, I reminded them about the sad times and both of them said the good times outweighed them. They’ll never forget what we went through as a family but the good times always come through for them…..I breathed a sigh of relief! Xx

  4. Esther/William/Matilda Mae/Bea : “My Mummy is the BEST Mummy in the whole wide world, and I love her.”

    Inner Critic : “I am a bad Mummy”

    It is the first voices that speak the truth – kids are a lot simpler to please/make happy than we give them credit for – they don’t need fancy schedules and days full of planned out stimulating/educational activities – just us being ‘present’ for a walk, a game of hide and seek, a cuddle on the sofa while watching Cbeebies or a Disney film, holding their hand, getting down to their level for a few minutes and really listening to whatever the random thing is that they are saying – just you being you by their side…warts and all…is enough….they will not remember details, just a sense of being loved and secure…and that is just about being present, holding them and listening…not ‘doing stuff’.

    You, me and most of us mums…need to remind ourselves of this fact.

    Kids are ‘demanding’, but I think us adults do make it harder with our adult expectations of what we think they want/need when in fact to them life is so much simpler and they are much easier to please than we think.

    Xxx

  5. I have been meaning to comment on this post for days. I do wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, but I see a lot of me in this post too. I have extreme guilt right now about the lack of time I have for my lot, especially Bella. She has a few communication issues at the moment, that I feel so so guilty about and ashamed that it got so bad before I realised she needed help. I feel life has been so busy and I have been so preoccupied that things have slipped through my fingers without me noticing. And talking to my mum, she says she felt exactly the same way when my sisters and I were small. But i never noticed and I hold no grudges towards her! So I am sure, and I hope that you can be too, that our children will not notice the failings that we berate ourselves for. I think that we need to give ourselves a break, and I hope that the rest of your summer is a little easier for you. I too need to wean Elsie from the breast and if you find a way let me know!! x x x x

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