Today is not a good Mummy day
I am not enjoying being mummy at the moment
Bea is one
She is wonderful
Esther and William are 5
They are thriving and full on
Especially William
Their demands are so different
Their needs so far apart
My time is being swallowed by Bea
Every day
Bea Bea Bea
She needs so much from me
My summer of play before starting school
Is just not happening
More and more Esther and William are having to entertain themselves
Every day they ask who is coming to play
They know if it is just me and them
The day will not be good
Thank goodness they have each other
I am so thankful they have one another
Bea’s first year has flown by
I feel like I have been holding her in my arms the entire year
And that is not very much of an exaggeration
She is asleep in my arms as I type
David thinks we just need to decide
From now on she sleeps in a cot
Put her in
Pat her for a bit
And after a few days of heartache and headache
For everyone
It will be done
And maybe that is how it is for a man
But as I watch Esther and William hiding under tables
Because Bea is screaming so much
Because Mummy and Daddy are fighting about the best thing to do
It does not feel right to me
And there is the emotional entanglement
Of trying to reduce breastfeeding
Trying to break the bond that is so so so so strong
For Bea and for me
Their is the heartwrenching, stomach churning emotions
As Bea screams and cries because she has no clue what is going on
She does not know why things ever have to change
I know that she needs to sleep in her own bed
I know she should be not be napping on my knee
Of course I know
I know I have to stop feeding her
I want to stop feeding her so much
And though she feeds only from me
I feel it is something that I cannot just stop on my own
The physical act of doing it is not going to be easy
The emotional impact is going to hurt
It was never going to be easy
And I honestly throw my hands in the air and say
I do not know what to do
I do not know how to make those transitions
Without making everything horrible at home
My heart is breaking in so many ways
Letting Esther and William down continuously
Always saying ‘Not now’ ‘I can’t now’
Always rejecting them for Bea
It was the same with Tilda before
They deserve so very much more from their Mummy
What a rubbish Mummy to them I have been
I have so much I want to give
Time is just slipping away
Chances to make memories are escaping
Without any effort they are floating out of our grasp
And I do not know what to do
I am so tired of fighting
I am so tired from feeding
I long for a night of sleep on my own
I know people will say it is my own fault
I have made this situation
It is only me that can make it right
Some people say I just have to listen to them
Do it their way
I do not know what to do
I do not know what to do!
I would like to spend more time with Esther and William
In these precious preschool days
I would like Bea to see me as more than her bed and her food
I am so excited about going back to work
I am so focused on September
I need to make the most of August first
To sprinkle my children with love
Make sure they go to into the new school year
Confident that I love them
That I will always look after them
That I would do anything for them
I look forward to a day when I am less tired
I know that through working I will be tired
But it will not be the emotional exhaustion of mothering a new born baby
After the death of a daughter
While trying to be mummy to my two super twins
Today is a bad mummy day
A bad family day
Thank goodness Esther and William have each other
I am so thankful that they have one another
William has changed so much. His hair is super dark now. I feel like this all the time, and although P3 refuses to sleep anywhere but her cot or Nuna LEAF, it wasn’t always like that. I still struggle to juggle all three and make sure all three have equal time but ultimately it’s definitely P1 being pushed aside and alone. It’s an awful feeling. I’m hoping there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.
I’ve been there. My youngest as she approached 15 months just wanted to feed and feed of me. If anything she just wanted to feed more and more every day. She didn’t want to go to anyone else, she wouldn’t sleep without feeding. In the end I decided going cold turkey was best, trying to reduce it was only resulting in constant crying which I gave in to. It took 3 days but by day 4 we was over the worst of it and by day 6 it was like she had forgotten about the boob full stop and we was all a lot more happy. Good luck whatever you decide to do x
I found your blog when I worked with a parents group linked to a school nursery and have left a couple of comments and want to leave one more. STOP beating yourself up! PLEASE! I see so much of me in how you’re feeling and now at the grand age of 54 with a 21 and 22 year old I’m further along the path than you and realise i should have ‘cut myself some slack’ Please write down all the wonderful things you do well and when you think you’re getting it wrong remind yourself. Plan each day or half day and don’t set yourself up to fail. Celebrate all you achieve in that day, acknowledge the not so greats but move on.
I walked away from teaching two years ago and guess what I start back this week….yikes! 6 month contract. So from one slightly wrinkly new girl to another, you’ll be great!
Last thing I asked my adult sons about what they can remember from years gone by and all they talked about were the good times, I reminded them about the sad times and both of them said the good times outweighed them. They’ll never forget what we went through as a family but the good times always come through for them…..I breathed a sigh of relief! Xx
Thank you x God bless you and thank you x And good luck going back to school!
Esther/William/Matilda Mae/Bea : “My Mummy is the BEST Mummy in the whole wide world, and I love her.”
Inner Critic : “I am a bad Mummy”
It is the first voices that speak the truth – kids are a lot simpler to please/make happy than we give them credit for – they don’t need fancy schedules and days full of planned out stimulating/educational activities – just us being ‘present’ for a walk, a game of hide and seek, a cuddle on the sofa while watching Cbeebies or a Disney film, holding their hand, getting down to their level for a few minutes and really listening to whatever the random thing is that they are saying – just you being you by their side…warts and all…is enough….they will not remember details, just a sense of being loved and secure…and that is just about being present, holding them and listening…not ‘doing stuff’.
You, me and most of us mums…need to remind ourselves of this fact.
Kids are ‘demanding’, but I think us adults do make it harder with our adult expectations of what we think they want/need when in fact to them life is so much simpler and they are much easier to please than we think.
Xxx
I have been meaning to comment on this post for days. I do wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, but I see a lot of me in this post too. I have extreme guilt right now about the lack of time I have for my lot, especially Bella. She has a few communication issues at the moment, that I feel so so guilty about and ashamed that it got so bad before I realised she needed help. I feel life has been so busy and I have been so preoccupied that things have slipped through my fingers without me noticing. And talking to my mum, she says she felt exactly the same way when my sisters and I were small. But i never noticed and I hold no grudges towards her! So I am sure, and I hope that you can be too, that our children will not notice the failings that we berate ourselves for. I think that we need to give ourselves a break, and I hope that the rest of your summer is a little easier for you. I too need to wean Elsie from the breast and if you find a way let me know!! x x x x