Esther

My first born

My eldest daughter

Eldest of three

Esther

So beautiful

So thoughtful

So sensitive

Frail

Esther

So creative

So imaginative

So curious

So eager to please

Esther

Sensitive to sounds

Mummy shouting

Bea crying

William rambling

On and on and on

Esther

Who hears more than she should

Knows more than she lets on

Notices everything

Esther

Who remembers

Remembers everything

Thinks about things

Over and over

Esther

Who loves little things

Who loves pretty things

Who loves to draw, dance and sing

Esther

Who needs courage

Who needs cuddles

Who needs her mummy

To be a better mummy than she has been

Esther who needs her mummy

To be a better role model than she has been

Esther

Will soon be five

Will soon be at school

Time is flying by

Time will soon run out

For making things right

I love my little Esther

Our original Little Miss Star

My beautiful eldest daughter

I need to show you how very loved you are

I have been thinking a lot lately

About my relationships with my children

They need some work

I have been so struck down with anger and grief

I have not been the best mummy I can be

I have not been the best wife or person

I have not been the best me

And I need that to change

It cannot wait any more

There is no reason to wait

Every moment I wait

Is a moment gone

Never to be had again

David and I exchanged cross words today

Esther cried

I was cross with William

Esther put her hands over her ears and her head to the table

When Bea cries

Esther hides or huddles into herself

There can be no more waiting

Esther needs to know that she is loved

That she is safe

That she is special and important

And does not in anyway come after Bea

Or Tilda

She needs to see and feel and believe

How much I adore her

Because I do

But more than that

She needs to see her mummy

As a strong woman

A fun lady

Smart, clever

Caring, kind

Creative and curious

Esther needs to see in me

All the things that I want to see in her

I need to be more than her mummy

I need to be a role model

Someone Esther can look up to and learn from

Someone she might aspire to be like

Someone she can be proud of

I want Esther to see the best of me

And I hope that in being the best me I can be

It will bring out the best of her

Appearance
I want to get up and get dressed every day. Make sure I am wearing clean clothes that I like and that look good, even if we are just staying at home. We have fallen into a habit of spending our days in pyjamas. I want this to change. I want to start taking more pride in my appearance and I want to encourage my children to do the same. I want them to choose their own clothes each day and develop their own sense of style. I am going to sort through all my clothes and keep only the ones that are in good condition, the ones that fit and that I regularly wear. I want my children, especially Esther. to know that I look after myself for me, no one else, so that I feel confident. I want to make sure Esther and I brush our hair every day and experiment with different styles. I want Esther and I to go clothes shopping together.

As part of this I am going to get up a little earlier each day. I am going to dress nicely and perhaps even apply just a little make up before the children are up. I am going to sparkle and shine and enjoy making the most of myself. I hope that Esther will do the same.

Taking Care of People and Things
I want Esther to see me act kindly to people. I want to show her how much I love and respect her daddy and her granny. I want her to see and understand the bonds I have with my closest friends. I want her to understand the values our family shares for caring for each other, helping one another. I want Esther to know loyalty, trust, respect and compassion. I want her to know that no one is better than her but also that she is not better than anyone else. I want her to know that all people are different yet equal. I want her to know about faith and hope and love. I want Esther to enjoy people, to feel confident and safe with those around her. I want people to like her for whoever she may be.

Our house is far from perfect. The building is wonderful and has so much potential but we are not that good at keeping it tidy and clean. David is better than me and we are trying. When Tilda died we were stopped in our tracks with anything more than getting by, it is time to do more than exist now, it is time to start living again. It is time to make our house into our home with all that we need it to have and to be. Getting anything done with three small children is a challenge but one that I am ready to take on. I want to have a home that I am proud of, one I am not ashamed for people to see. I want to be that mummy that enjoys tidying and cleaning and keeping things where they should be. I want to do it not just for me but also so that my children learn to respect the things that they own and to take care of the things they are given. I want them to look after toys and take responsibility for their actions and if this is what I want from them then I must ensure that I am doing the same. I want to make tidying the playroom a fun part of our routine, I want us all to make our beds and tidy up our mess. I want us to work together to make our beautiful house a happy, functional, feel good, family home.

Healthy Habits
I want Esther to see me do good things regularly. Eating a healthy breakfast. Drinking water. Taking care of my teeth. Budgeting and thinking about money. Keeping up to date with tests and checks and appointments. Keeping paperwork orderly and safe. I want Esther to see me getting out in the great outdoors. I want her to see me growing things, recycling, looking after the environment in which we live. I want to show my children that healthy habits help us to lead a happier healthier life in many different, important ways.

Reading and Writing
A couple of years ago on an extended family holiday David’s Mum observed that we were all often on electronic devices and not reading real books or writing. I promised myself then that I would always read real books and share my love of literature with my children. Esther loves books and stories. When she wakes up in the morning the first thing she asks for is a story. We have stories at the breakfast table, stories that punctuate our day and inspire our play and we, of course, share books at bedtime. I have not read a book for myself since the night that Tilda died. I can often be seen scribbling in a notepad, making lists, planning posts, filling forms but not since February 2013 have my children seen me read for my own pleasure. That is going to change. I am about to start reading all the books I have not been brave enough to read and I am going to reread old favourites. I also want to read information books to improve my general, geographical and scientific knowledge to extend and enhance my conversations and experiences with my children. I want to rediscover my love of learning and my passionate appetite for books. I want to share it all with my children and especially my oldest girl.

Making, Baking, Driving and Doing
There are things that do not come naturally to me that I would like Esther and her siblings to see me doing. Driving is the main one. I am not a natural driver, I am quite a nervous driver especially if I am going somewhere I have not been before, on roads I do not know. Since Tilda died my anxiety and panic mean I barely drive at all, but I want to. I really do. I want to get in my car and drive and I want my children to see me do that. I want them to see me face my fears and overcome them. I want Esther especially to know that it is okay to be frightened, it is okay to find things hard, it is okay to not like things. I want her to remember the wise words of Gator, from Thomas and Friends, being brave is being scared of something and doing it anyway. I want my daughter to see me frightened and to see me be brave so that she might find her courage too.

Successes and Failures
I want my beautiful Esther to know the things that I do well but I also want her to see me fail. I want to be able to admit my faults and for her to know that sometimes we take risks, sometimes we make mistakes. Often times our risks lead to successes, often times we will fail. Failure is okay as long as it does not beat us, as long as we can find the strength after being knocked down to stand up and move on. I want Esther to know that succeed or fail, through good times and bad, I will love her for always, no matter what.

Confidence
Whatever Esther does, reads, sings, plays. Whoever she becomes. I want her to be confident and I hope that she will believe in herself. I hope that we can build her up to be the best person she can be. I want Esther to feel happy in her own skin. I want her to own her behaviour and choices. I compliment Esther every day. I tell her how pretty she looks, what a great big sister she is, how clever she is. I try to find something positive to tell her every so often throughout each day. I want her to understand how very special she is. I want her to know that she is capable of achieving great things and that I will support her as she chases her dreams and strives to reach her goals, whatever they may be. Confidence is key, for Esther and for me.

My confidence was stolen

The night Matilda died

I have been losing myself since then

I have been crying out for help

But in the last few days I have realised

There is no help to come

The only person who can help me is me

The one thing standing in the way of me

Is me

But I do not want to be better just for me

But for my children

And especially at this time

For my big little daughter

My first born

My Esther

My beautiful, sensitive

Curious, creative

Esther

I love you

I am here for you

I am going to do better for you

Be better for you

For us