I would really love a bunch of flowers
With a tag saying ‘You are doing okay’
A box of chocolates
To say ‘That was a tough old day’
A card with a note
Saying how much I am loved
A hug, a kiss
Any of the above
But all they see is a monster
A cloud in their shiny blue sky
All they hear is the shouting
Why would they be nice to me, why?
I wish that I had someone
Who understands me and how I feel
A shoulder to cry on
Who brought tea and sympathy
And knew my hurt to be real
But all they see is the raging
All they hear are the words
They do not know the pain and fear
That courses through me first
Someone to call on
Who’d come at great speed
Who could get here
And hold me
Whenever I need
I feel so lonely
So on my own
No one to turn to
To scream, shout and moan
I do not have anyone
Who is truly mine
I have to be polite
Where a mask all the time
To hide the hurting
To hide the pain
To mask the flashes of anger
And then the depths of my shame
They just see the sadness
The never ending grief
I suspect they feel I am wallowing
They know not what lies beneath
I hide my tears
In smiling eyes
But I cannot escape myself
No matter how hard I try
I truly hate myself
I despise what I am
What I have become
No wonder I am lonely
No wonder they don’t come
I am needy and selfish
A shadow of me
I have forgotten
How else I can be
Too scared to go out
Too scared to drive
Too afraid to enjoy
Any real kind of life
Hurting the ones that I love the most
Pushing friends and family away
That is why I don’t get flowers or chocolates
No encouraging words today
That is why I have dark days
I am an ogre
A monster a beast
And I know but don’t know how to change it
I can admit that at least
Perhaps all would be better if I went away
If I went and never came back
Maybe then someone could come
Give David and the children what I lack
Perhaps better no mum at all than a mummy like me
Perhaps no wife at all than a wife like me
This is what it feels like
To be someone like me
Perhaps I would be better alone
Without me it could be a happier home
And I could be selfish, that monster, this beast
Then I could only hurt me at least
You’re doing fine. Really you are. It’s horrible to think that you think all of these things, but no true monster or ogre would think it was a true monster, do you know what I mean? If something is truly “bad” it wouldn’t see itself as bad, it would think it was doing the right thing. You have such horrible thoughts about yourself but I’m 100% positive that no-one else sees you as you see yourself, you’ve got no “shell” to protect you from things (comments, looks etc that could be interpreted as negative) that others are lucky enough to shrug off. But that’s because you currently have an illness, and that illness will get better. And you’ll be an even lovelier person than you already are, because you’ll understand how vulnerable some people can be xx
PND is truly horrible but as an outsider your photos show another side to the story. So many happy faces. Children who are deeply loved and cared for. You are loved and would be missed.
This might not been much coming from a stranger but you ARE doing ok. You are doing your best during a dark time and that is all anyone can ask of you.
Nobody gets it right all the time. We all have days where we get it wrong but we are only human. I truly hope and pray that you have the strength to keep going and find joy even in the small things.
Be kind to yourself. You might not believe it but you deserve it.
just hugs xxx hang in there Jennie
Jennie, I think that sometimes its okay to barely function but to realise there are reasons that it is this way. Its also OK to hate yourself when you are in ogre mode. Who can be proud of that right? Actually YOU can. For functioning as an ogre is better than not functioning at all. I once wrote a poem about how nice it would be to just leave it all. Now that I’m free of pnd I look back and see why… Its so shit. Big hugs hope a better phase comes again soon x
So much pain in this writing, I am sending so much strength your way. I hope you are getting support and help.