This month the #matexp campaign are asking people to stand up and take action

Do something to help others

Make your voice heard

Use your skills, talents, experience to influence others

My actions are focused on grief and babyloss

My actions are focused on supporting families, and particularly siblings, when a baby dies

Today I am sharing some of the books I have read with Esther and William

Books about death, grief and babyloss

Books that speak of stillbirth and SIDS

Books that have helped us to navigate our grief

Books that continue to help us

My action today is to share them on my blog

Before creating a booklet to be shared with families in my local area

If you would like a copy of the booklet I am creating

Please do email me jennie@edspire.co.uk

I would love to send you a copy

The booklet

In memory of Matilda Mae

Will include this book list

Ideas for talking to children about death and grief

Ideas for exploring feelings though craft and play

And links to appropriate websites

This is the first step

I thank you

With all my heart

For taking it with me

Are You Sad, Little Bear by Rachel Rivett
This is the story of a baby bear whose Grandmother dies. This is a story about learning to say goodbye. It is beautifully written and the soft illustrations are lovely. Baby Bear goes into the woods to see what he can learn about life and death, about why things cannot always stay the same. The trees and woodland creatures teach Baby Bear about being called home, letting go, another life beyond the horizon we see. This is a book to share with grieving children to comfort them, encourage them to ask questions and try to answer them, to give them hope.

Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
This is another book that deals with the death of someone old, someone who knows their time is coming to an end. When Badger dies all his friends are sad, they comfort one another by talking about him, by sharing their favourite stories and memories. This is a lovely book for letting children know that people who die are still with us in our hearts and memories, we can keep them close by talking about them and we should not be afraid of doing that. Of saying their name.

Goodbye Mousie by Robie H. Harris
This book is about the death of a pet mouse. This book deals with feelings associated with deaf very well. At first the boy in the story does not believe that Mousie has died, then he gets cross with his mouse for dying before giving in to heartbreaking sadness. This book deals with the confusion of grief that we feel when someone we love dies. It shows young children the importance of saying goodbye and the significance of some of the things that we do when a pet or person dies.

My Baby Big Sister by Cathy Blanford
This book deals specifically with the death of a baby. It was written for Rainbow Babies, those born after a pregnancy loss or infant death. It was written for those with a sibling in the sky. I want to take this book and adapt it for Esther and William, to help them explain to people about their sister in the sky, their sister that they new and loved and was with them, not before them. The sentence that stays with me from this book is,
“There are three people who live at my house but there are four people in my family.” Esther and William always include Tilda in our family number, as do I, as we should. She is part of our family too and we want the world to know her. This book has the simple story aimed at the child but also has detailed, helpful and sensitive notes for the parents. The book talks about looking through a memory box and how to remember a baby in the sky. This book reassures everyone that it is okay to be sad and confused, it is okay to have questions. It really is a very well written book that I think anyone growing or raising a rainbow should read.

Someone Came Before You by Pat Schwiebert
This book does not quite fit our family scenario. But the message is right, there was a baby before Bea, a baby very much wanted and very much loved, a baby never to be forgotten, even by those who were not here when she came.
The book tells how the baby who came before is now an angel and watches over the family. It tells of how a family might choose to remember the baby that came before.

Little Bell and the Moon by Giles Paley-Phillips
This is a very new book and tells of a girl growing older and dying. The rhyming story is beautiful with magical illustrations by Iris Deppe. The story tells how Bell dies, her soul rises to the skies and she becomes a star. It is a sentiment shared by many babyloss families, indeed by many who have lost someone they hold dear. My only reservation with this book is that it does not ever say that Bell has died, it says that she fell asleep. I would be wary with the wording with young children who have lost a sibling. They need to talk about death in real terms, you do not want to associate death with falling asleep as it may make children confused and scared of going to bed and to sleep.

Rory’s Star: A book by the Scottish Cot Death Trust
This book focuses specifically on SIDS and is told from the view point of an older brother. The story starts with happy memories and then remembers the morning that Rory died. It talks about the funeral and how things are different after a baby has died. The book talks about remembering a baby in the sky, it talks about feeling sad and reassures young children that it is okay for them to be happy too. This is a very simple, gentle telling of what life might be like for older siblings when a baby dies.

The Mountains of Tibet by Mordicai Gerstein
This is a beautiful story that introduces the idea of life after death. It begins a conversation about what might happen when we die. This is a tale of spirituality, a tale of hope and soul.

The Day the Sea Went Out and Never Came Back by Margot Sunderland
This is the story of an incredibly cute sand dragon called Eric. Eric loves the sea and plays with it every day. But one day the sea goes out and does not come back. Eric is heartbroken, distraught. He loves the sea and cannot bear to be without it. He does not want to do anything, not without the sea. He finds a friend who helps him to create a rock pool garden in memory of the sea. This is a real tear jerker of a book. I cannot even wrute this description without crying. It teaches us that it is okay to miss someone that we love. It is okay to cry for them and do things in their memory. It also talks of memories being treasures that no one can steal. This is a wonderful book for anyone dealing with grief and I think this will resonate with children of all ages.

When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
My William likes facts and this is a book of facts. It tells you in a no nonsense kind of way what it means to die. But it does it using dinosaurs which makes all the tough stuff easier to hear. This is a book that at the moment we read together but I also think this is one I might often find William rereading by himself when he can. This is the book to share when your children ask, “But why did she die?” and “What does dead mean?”

Rabbityness by Jo Empsom
This is a lovely book about loss. A story of a rabbit who everyone admires, a kind, caring, creative rabbit. When Rabbit dies he is much missed by all his friends and family but inspired by his creativity and character all the other rabbits take on some of his Rabbityness. They make music and art in his memory, in honour of him. This book is about loss and remembering people in a positive way when they are gone. A book about love.

Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen
This is a wordy book that I have not yet shared with Esther and William, I have read it to myself a few times. This is a book about grief. This story tells how grief is not a linear journey, it tells how grief can change relationships, destroy friendships. It shows how all consuming grief can be. It shows how isolating grief can be. This book reassures you that it really is okay to not be okay. The story is sad with pictures of tears. The main character is grieving, making tear soup. The story shows how grieving is much like soup making. Everyone does it differently with unique results. This book also deals sensitively with the fact that it is more than okay when grieving not to be sad all the time. This is a book filled with reassurance for the bereaved that educates the unbereaved and helps children to navigate their feelings after loss.

After the story there is an excellent help section that gives ideas for dealing with bereavement and grief, there are tips if you are the bereaved, if your friend is bereaved, if you are male and if you are helping a child. It gives advice for couples and talks of grief and time.

This is a beautiful book full of help and hope for the whole family to read, reread and share.

Always and Forever by Alan Durant
A story of a family missing their father. Sharing sad stories and happy memories. Finding things they can do to remember their loved one. Knowing that it is okay not to be sad all the time but also that feeling sad is natural. A lovely story for very young children sharing love and loss and all that they entail. I would love to adapt this with memories of Tilda one day for us all to share. I also think this would be wonderful to adapt to remember parents and grandparents and other loved ones who die.

These last two books talk about loss and death, but they also talk about everlasting love and the special connections we have with the ones we love. These help to build our living children up as they come to terms with the death of a sibling.

No Matter What by Debi Gliori
This was Baby Tilda’s final bedtime story, read with such love by David at the crematorium. This is a very special story of everlasting love. It illustrates beautifully the love between parent and child. It tells how love lasts forever, it never dies. Even if we are far apart we still love one another. When someone dies we love them still and we remember them. I love reading this to Esther and William to remind them that I love them so much and I always will. Even when I am gone. And to show them how much we still love Tilda even though she is not here with us anymore.

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
A tender story that makes me cry every time I read it. The story of how people are connected, together or apart, we are always connected to the ones that we love. Even when they are up in heaven the invisible string still keeps us joined together. This story helps children to understand they are always loved and never alone. I am ashamed to admit who sent this book to me, who took the time to change the names of the twins to Esther and William, to include Baby Tilda in the Sky. I cannot remember but I am so grateful and this book has become even more special to us now that our names are included.

When a baby dies leaving older siblings behind the children are confused, scared, hurt and curious. They will have questions that are sometimes very difficult to answer.

Matilda Mae died over two years ago. We still talk about her everyday and conversations about death, dying and feelings are never far away. Some of our conversations are so hard to have and hard for others to hear. Those conversations though are necessary for Esther and William to process their thoughts, their feelings, their grief. These are some of the books that have helped make some of our talks a little gentler, a little easier and made their, our, understanding a little clearer.

I wish we had been given a book list like this when Tilda died.

I wish Esther and William’s preschool and school had books like this to share.

In Matilda Mae’s memory I want to send book lists to anyone who will have them and raise money to donate baskets of books to health centres, children’s centres, hospitals, churches and schools.

You can help by sharing this post far and wide.

Thank you.

Also, if you have a book that has helped your children deal with loss, death and grief, I would love to hear about it so that we can read it and add it to our list.

Thank you x