If Tilda Was My First

Today I feel on the brink of a break down

Teetering along on the edge of tears

Two infected wisdom teeth

Send pains shooting through my head and neck

Nausea from yet more antibiotics

Fear and frustration weigh heavy on my chest

Grief constricts my heart

Self preservation is all well and good

When you have the time and space to even think about yourself

But when you are constantly caring for others

Always doing and on the go

It is only when bits are literally falling off or out

That you have chance to address issues of your own

I have not felt whole

Complete

Well

Since Baby Tilda died

The grief is wearing

Pregnancy has added to the mix

Pregnancy is hard

Especially so when it does not end well

When their is no baby to bring home

New grief mixes with old and older

Such sorrow

Such sadness

Such physical pain

Manifested often through my teeth

An impacted wisdom tooth in dire need of extraction

So tangled with nerves

No dentist found will touch it

Since Bea was born I have had around 15 courses of antibiotics

Because of my troublesome teeth

I am exhausted

I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained

I do not ever get a break

Not one that is not for medical reasons

If I try to take one I place extra stress on David

And I am burden enough on him and his family

At the very best of times

They are the pillars that hold me up

The engines that keep me going

Just sometimes

Some days

I feel certain I will not have chance

Have space to grieve

Until my children are grown and leave home

And that time will bring new sadness all of it’s own

I am so so tired

And my health is suffering

Our family is suffering

Because of me!

The problem is it is nothing specific

No one thing

Not measurable

My body is just run down

My mind is not functioning quite as it should

It is hurting me

And those closest to me

Today I got cross with Esther

Because she wanted me to play

She was moaning that William would not play with her

She just needed a friend

Wanted a cuddle

And I got cross

Because at that moment I was trying so very hard

For just a couple of minutes to focus on me

I was just trying to call a dental surgeon

To make an appointment to get my tooth removed

I am going to have the extraction privately

I cannot wait anymore for the NHS

Trying to make a call I am anxious about

With Esther in one ear

William in the other

And Bea eating the hair of a Playmobil character!!

Is it any wonder I do not have time to grieve

I do not have time to pee!

Today I keep thinking

And feel guilty for thinking

Things would have been so different if Tilda were my first

If Tilda were my first

The loneliness and pain would have been even more crushing I am sure

There would have been no need for brave faces

Fake laughs

I could have pulled a duvet over my head

And stayed in bed for days

I could sit on a sofa and stare at the walls

Drink myself into a stupor

I could roam the streets long after dark

Escape to far places for time all alone

If Tilda were my first

I could have taken all the time in the world to cry

There would have been nothing to make an effort for

I could have wandered aimlessly

In my own space

My own time

For my own sake

If Tilda were my first

I am not sure I would have survived

I would not have had much to live for

Or perhaps with time to rebuild myself

I would have become stronger than ever

I could have become all the things I want to be

Build a legacy

Honour her name

If Tilda were my first

There would have been more space and time

For me

I could have done more to raise money

Raise awareness

I could have done more

For other mothers

Wearing these lead weighted shoes

If Tilda were my first

David and I might be closer

We could have taken time out together

Focused on one another

Built ourselves up together

If Tilda were my first

I would not feel so desperately sad for her siblings

I would not worry everyday about how sad they can be

How they sob at sad stories and cry uncontrollably at Disney films

I would not wonder at every new behaviour displayed

Is this normal or is this through grief?

If Tilda were my first

Would this all be easier?

Would it feel a little easier if there were only me?

If Tilda were my first

I would have time to read books

Time to immerse myself in writing

Time to do

Do all the things I feel I would like to do

If Tilda were my first

Life would be unbelievably hard

Losing my only child

Feeling the pressure and longing to conceive again

Being a mummy with empty arms

But there would be room to breathe

Space for me

I could be selfish

Self indulgent

Selfless

I could do whatever needed to be done to grieve

I could be led by my feelings

My needs

I am not complaining

Though it sounds like I am

I know it sounds like I am

I would not be without my children for all in the world

I already know how it feels to lose one

I could not ever be without another

But I just wonder

At times when the constant din

The humdrum and mayhem of family life

Becomes too much to bear

I just wonder

Honestly wonder

How it would be

How I would be

If Tilda were my first

TILDA AND ME

7 thoughts on “If Tilda Was My First

  1. Dear Jennie,
    I am so sorry you feel like this every day and I wish there was something I could do to help you. I have read all your posts and I wish I could come and help you in some practical way. Do you think you are an organised person? What I mean by this is if you have organisation in your house and with the children this would free up some time for you to stop and have time for yourself in the evening to reflect and grieve. I have a list on my fridge from Monday to Friday of different things I need to do around the house like clean the bathrooms or tidy the playroom etc.. This list has been so much help for me as it keeps me focused and I don’t do the same jobs over and over like I used to. This has freed up my evenings no end for me. Also I plan dinners each week and make a list of ingredients so I am prepared everyday for what I need to do. This means at that time in the evening when the children are hungry and cranky I know exactly what I am going to make and a lot of times I have the dinner prepared from the morning. I think this helps my mind become more organised and this helps me to free up time during the day to sit down and play with the children. Maybe you have tried all of this and it hasn’t helped but just an idea. I can help you with all of this from afar if you would like to give it a try?

    Fiona x

  2. There is no better or worse, Jennie. It’s all crap. As you say, an empty-armed mummy like me has time to focus on myself. However, the quiet of my home is deafening, Hugo’s toys and clothes that I bought for him remain unused. And all the self-care in the world is never going to make it better. I feel for you because you’re not able to take any down time. You are grieving for Tilda, and grief is exhausting. You are caring, in different ways, for all four of your children, which must be exhausting! And leaves little time for you. Your wisdom teeth issue sounds horrible. I hope it is able to be sorted for you before too much longer. Love xxxx

  3. Jennie. I went into a pit of depression when my eldest, who has extreme special needs, was 3 and my youngest was just a few weeks old. My husband, very cleverly realised, I needed hands on help. So he hired a mothers help (nanny). No, we couldn’t afford it BUT I was teetering on the edge of a meltdown and my sanity was more important than money. I felt like a flop that a full time Mum needed a helper….for the first month, the extra set of hands was here Monday-Friday during my spouses working hours. But many years on, it saved me from a complete collapse.

    I hope you can somehow find some space for yourself whilst you heal from your surgery and give your mind some time to process all you are trying to juggle.

  4. Jennie…as always my heart and prayers go out to you.

    What you have been through in the last 5 – 6yrs+ is more heartache, pain and struggle than most of us do in a lifetime. For you to get through, let alone be raising 3 beautiful children under 5, writing this blog and being a wife / friend, raising awareness/money and helping other parents…is unbelievable.

    Be kind to yourself – in approx 3 months or so the twins will be in school…that will give you a little more time, then Bea will be in pre-school soon too…just take each day at a time as much as you can…on the really tough days…just get in the shower for a minute or two (even) to just freshen up and then make sure the kids are fed…then just put on a DVD and let them all watch it or play and you just sit still on the sofa…don’t plan anything specific or do anything that seems like pressure, best to not do anything at all….it can ALL wait…there is nothing wrong with that! I have two under 3, I have not been through what you have…and I still need days like that! On other days just go for an aimless walk with the children or sit in the garden while they play…they will entertain themselves esp if you have a swing, slide and sandpit:)

    Do not think you are a burden to family, I know from experience that the only burden a grieving relative is, is the feeling you can’t take away the pain/help them more….doing ‘stuff’ for them / being asked to do anything for them….actually helps relatives/friends to feel better not worse! If any of your friends/family had been through what you have/are going through instead of you, I know you would be falling over yourself to help them day and night, in fact I believe you would even help a stranger let alone your own family/friends…if they were going through what you are…allow them to help as much as they wish and as much as helps you.

    Axx

    PS : Do you take probiotics? If not, after so many antibiotics it is worth doing so, this is a good brand for breastfeeding mums and can really help as most our immune fighting work (apparently) happens in the gut and antibiotics kill off the good bacteria….

    http://www.optibacprobiotics.co.uk/shop/for-babies-children?gclid=COz_gJTO18UCFQHJtAodWWwAkg

  5. Wisdom tooth pain hurts, it drains you and makes you not function at your best, at the best of times. I wish I had the answers but I don’t. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you all. You may not feel like it but I see you as a pretty awesome person. Your children are blessed to have you as their mum, you do more for them and with them than what many do when they are not going through one of the toughest times a parent could go through. Take time for yourself when you can and don’t feel guilty for it. If you have offers of baby sitters for a few hours. Take a stroll, go on a date, climb to the highest mountain in your area and scream. Do what ever you can to get some release, it will not change things but for just a short while your mind can be yours, for you, and you alone.
    Lastly you are amazing, your children will grow to be amazing people because of the strength, love and time you give to them already. xxxx

  6. Oh Jennie,

    It breaks my heart to read about your deepest and darkest struggles. You are doing the best you can please don’t be too hard on yourself. To many of us you are admirable and strong even when you feel at your lowest. Don’t burn yourself out prioritise what has to be done and put the rest off or delegate if you can. Take time for you just a moment if thats all you can spare. You are dealing with the worst situation any parent could ever face you are only human yet you are doing a brilliant job xxc

  7. Every single time I open up your blog to read, I cry for you. I have never cried as hard as I have when I read your blog.
    I then always go in & kiss my sleeping daughter & I feel so grateful she is there.
    She is 14 months old now, but I still wake up & check on her in the middle of the night.
    I am not sure if this will ever stop.
    She is my only daughter & I am so appreciative of her everyday.
    I never thought I would feel this amount of love for something or someone.
    I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I don’t think what you feel will ever go. It wouldn’t for me.
    I just wish that you had a break away from everything just to grieve. Even if it was for a few days. A retreat. Just for you. Alone. So that you can scream & shout & let all of your emotions out with no one else around. Without worrying about your little ones seeing. Without caring what other people think. Just so that you can get angry & cry & throw things around & let out every last bit of anger/sadness/grief that you have inside you. At least for the time being.
    You are an incredible person.
    Please never forget that.
    xxxx

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