For the last three weeks I have been on a high
Not a happy, excited, wonderful high
A focused, determined, responsible high
The last three weeks we had to get through
Tilda’s birthday
Bea turning 9 months
Bea’s illness
Now that Bea is over the worst
Now it feels like we never went to Coombe Mill
I feel lower and more exhausted than ever
Tilda time at the farm became over shadowed by Bea
Which I know is how it should be
Bea is here, Tilda is not
Bea is alive, Tilda is not
But facing that reality
Hurts like hell
I have dreaded Bea turning 9 months
Dreaded how it might feel
If she died
If she lived
Pain
Guilt
Love
Bea being poorly
At this time
Has hit me hard
Harder perhaps than I even realise
And now she is better
I am feeling like I have neglected my other children
Esther
William
Matilda Mae
Esther and William have had to do a lot of fending for themselves
They have had to play a lot on their own
They have put up with a lot of screaming and crying
They have overheard frantic and fraught conversations
I am worried about the affect that has had
Two weeks is a long time when you are not even five
Bea’s illness means I have neglected me too
I feel like my parenting confidence has suffered a huge knock again
I feel lost and lonely and so fed up
And I do not know how to make things better
And I should know
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could be full of fun and happy
And just be sad at special Tilda times
But I miss her every moment of every day
I also miss Esther and William
I feel like I am drifting
Drifting away
Losing my connection with my children
Losing a bond
No one understands
I want to be happy
I want to get up, get on and do
But I can’t
I don’t know how
The fear
The guilt
The anxiety
The self doubt
The loathing
I wish there was a way
To make things all okay
To make a can do from every can’t
Esther and William asked me yesterday
How do we bring Tilda back to life?
Can we have another baby and call her Baby Tilda?
I know that they are missing her too
I wish I could tell them how much I love them
They do not want to hear it over and over again
I wish I could show them how hard I am trying
To be alright and make things right again
Bea being poorly
At this time
Has hit me hard
Harder perhaps than I even realise
Bea being poorly
At this time
Has hit us all hard
Harder perhaps than we even realise
And I fear that worse is still to come
There isn’t much I can say Jennie other than you are doing your absolute best for all your children under the most difficult circumstances. Sending lots of love xxx
Sending you all my love sweet heart.
This bit:
“Esther and William have had to do a lot of fending for themselves
They have had to play a lot on their own
They have put up with a lot of screaming and crying
They have overheard frantic and fraught conversations
I am worried about the affect that has had
Two weeks is a long time when you are not even five”
I want you to know that they will be OK. I promise.
It is normal for siblings to have to take a back seat at times when the other is poorly. Zack has had this with me and dealing with Max so much. And you know what? He is a wonderful, caring, kind and loving nearly-10 year old now who already understands so much *because* of the life he’s lead with his little brother’s disability.
I know it’s nowhere near what you’ve been through, but I thought it might help, just a little, to know.
So so SO much love to you darling Jennie. You are one of the most beautiful souls I know. Sharing your truth, your worries, your fears, all of YOU like this is, quite frankly, an amazing and BRAVE thing to do. xxx
I agree with Leigh – you are doing your best and I bet releasing your tensions by typing out how you feel helps too. Just stay strong and think positive – I will pray for you x
It really is hard when Nh of be kids Te poorly but for you it must have been truly awful. But you did what we all do- you focused on getting her better, getting through it. Like any mum would. And if you asked I bet E&W would understand that. You’re tired- emotionally and physically- and oh need to give yourself a break. Look forward again and give yourself and the family time to recover from the mast few weeks x x. X
I’ve been thinking of you this week, you know why. I think you’ve been doing a great job and do you know what? The other little ones won’t remember the last two weeks like you will. They’ll probably remember the time as it being a bit sad but definitely not in the sense of mummy spent all her time fixing Bea.
Don’t beat yourself up. You’re feeling guilty. You shouldn’t. You love you’re children, all four of them and you always will. They all know that.
Big hugs.
Xxx
I wish I could take your pain away. Give you a break from feeling.
I don’t have any wise words or suggestions, but my love is coming your way.