I Fear The Worst Is Still To Come

For the last three weeks I have been on a high

Not a happy, excited, wonderful high

A focused, determined, responsible high

The last three weeks we had to get through

Tilda’s birthday

Bea turning 9 months

Bea’s illness

Now that Bea is over the worst

Now it feels like we never went to Coombe Mill

I feel lower and more exhausted than ever

Tilda time at the farm became over shadowed by Bea

Which I know is how it should be

Bea is here, Tilda is not

Bea is alive, Tilda is not

But facing that reality

Hurts like hell

I have dreaded Bea turning 9 months

Dreaded how it might feel

If she died

If she lived

Pain

Guilt

Love

Bea being poorly

At this time

Has hit me hard

Harder perhaps than I even realise

And now she is better

I am feeling like I have neglected my other children

Esther

William

Matilda Mae

Esther and William have had to do a lot of fending for themselves

They have had to play a lot on their own

They have put up with a lot of screaming and crying

They have overheard frantic and fraught conversations

I am worried about the affect that has had

Two weeks is a long time when you are not even five

Bea’s illness means I have neglected me too

I feel like my parenting confidence has suffered a huge knock again

I feel lost and lonely and so fed up

And I do not know how to make things better

And I should know

I wish I was stronger

I wish I could be full of fun and happy

And just be sad at special Tilda times

But I miss her every moment of every day

I also miss Esther and William

I feel like I am drifting

Drifting away

Losing my connection with my children

Losing a bond

No one understands

I want to be happy

I want to get up, get on and do

But I can’t

I don’t know how

The fear

The guilt

The anxiety

The self doubt

The loathing

I wish there was a way

To make things all okay

To make a can do from every can’t

Esther and William asked me yesterday

How do we bring Tilda back to life?

Can we have another baby and call her Baby Tilda?

I know that they are missing her too

I wish I could tell them how much I love them

They do not want to hear it over and over again

I wish I could show them how hard I am trying

To be alright and make things right again

Bea being poorly

At this time

Has hit me hard

Harder perhaps than I even realise

Bea being poorly

At this time

Has hit us all hard

Harder perhaps than we even realise

And I fear that worse is still to come

raising rainbow big

6 thoughts on “I Fear The Worst Is Still To Come

  1. Sending you all my love sweet heart.

    This bit:
    “Esther and William have had to do a lot of fending for themselves
    They have had to play a lot on their own
    They have put up with a lot of screaming and crying
    They have overheard frantic and fraught conversations
    I am worried about the affect that has had
    Two weeks is a long time when you are not even five”

    I want you to know that they will be OK. I promise.
    It is normal for siblings to have to take a back seat at times when the other is poorly. Zack has had this with me and dealing with Max so much. And you know what? He is a wonderful, caring, kind and loving nearly-10 year old now who already understands so much *because* of the life he’s lead with his little brother’s disability.
    I know it’s nowhere near what you’ve been through, but I thought it might help, just a little, to know.
    So so SO much love to you darling Jennie. You are one of the most beautiful souls I know. Sharing your truth, your worries, your fears, all of YOU like this is, quite frankly, an amazing and BRAVE thing to do. xxx

  2. I agree with Leigh – you are doing your best and I bet releasing your tensions by typing out how you feel helps too. Just stay strong and think positive – I will pray for you x

  3. It really is hard when Nh of be kids Te poorly but for you it must have been truly awful. But you did what we all do- you focused on getting her better, getting through it. Like any mum would. And if you asked I bet E&W would understand that. You’re tired- emotionally and physically- and oh need to give yourself a break. Look forward again and give yourself and the family time to recover from the mast few weeks x x. X

  4. I’ve been thinking of you this week, you know why. I think you’ve been doing a great job and do you know what? The other little ones won’t remember the last two weeks like you will. They’ll probably remember the time as it being a bit sad but definitely not in the sense of mummy spent all her time fixing Bea.

    Don’t beat yourself up. You’re feeling guilty. You shouldn’t. You love you’re children, all four of them and you always will. They all know that.
    Big hugs.
    Xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *