Today Bea is 9 months and 11 days old

I had been dreading Bea turning 9 months

A small part of me was certain that she would die

I have not really had much time to process Bea being 9 months

For the last 11 days we have all been consumed with fever

Bea’s fever

I cannot decide if her mystery virus has been a curse or a blessing

Either way it has swept us through that dreaded 9 month milestone

Bea is now older than her little big sister can ever be

She has been alive longer than Tilda was

And she is still here

Bea is the girl that lived

Today is the first time that I have felt able to look at Bea

With real hope that she is here to stay

For the last 11 days our beautiful Rainbow Baby

Has been without her colour

Without her sparkle

Struck down with sickness and fever

That has affected us all

Only today has she finally started to bounce back

On Monday 4th May

After a day on the beach and the farm

Bea started to feel warm and became unsettled

David and I did not get much sleep

On Tuesday we went to Newquay Aquarium

And Bea slept much of the day away in her Manduca

I stayed awake with Bea much of that night

Reliving the night that Tilda turned 9 months

It was a very broken night

On Wednesday Bea did not seem too bad

We all went swimming though Bea did not really go in the water

By evening her temperature was really very high

On Thursday we went to Sam’s On The Beach

This was the day Bea was at her worst

A temp approaching 40 degrees

And she started vomiting

All she could do was sleep

I was genuinely worried that Bea may have had a febrile convulsion

That we had missed

David and I were very worried

Nothing about Bea was right

We were anxious about meningitis

Though Bea was burning hot

Her hands and feet were cold

She did not have a rash but

When she vomited we knew we had to get her seen

We took her to Bodmin Minor Injuries

And from there we were directed to a local GP

A generous and patient doctor

Who thoroughly examined Bea

And spoke with kindness to David and I

About our anxieties and concerns

Friday Bea was still feverish

And began vomiting more frequently

She was unable to keep any medicines down

Our baby daughter was terrifying us

We thought we might drive home on Friday night

But in the end decided the dawn of Saturday would be best

Still feverish and sick on returning to Kent

We took Bea to our local A&E

The unit was so busy

After three hours of waiting

No one seemed to be able to tell us when we might be seen

Bea was screaming and really needed to be sleeping at home

I decided to sign her out without being seen

A decision I did not make lightly

But I am still certain now it was the right one to make

We muddled through to Monday

When we were able to take Bea to our local GP

Bea still had a fever and was struggling to keep milk and medicine down

The doctor also found that her breathing was laboured

And so prescribed antibiotics and paracetamol suppositories too

We took our poorly baby home

And started to help her get better

By this time we were all emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted

Though none of us had gotten ill from the mystery virus

This was a fever that had affected the whole family

Broken sleep and disturbed nights for all

Restless, demanding, crying Bea

Terrified mummy and daddy

Scared, confused older siblings

It is hard to be rational

To keep things in perspective

When a baby has died

I feel like we have lost a huge chunk of time

Everything feels chaotic

We are behind with work

Bea is back to the beginning of her journey with food

The special times I spent with Esther and William at the farm

Feel as though they have been erased

The last 11 days have been all consuming

Utterly draining

And it is clear to see that as Bea starts to get her colour back

The rest of us now need some help to relocate our sparkle

I feel like we have been punished

For having Bea

The baby that lived

For that is who she is

Bea is the girl that lived

And long may she continue to do so

With her little big sister

Her guardian angel in the sky

We love you and miss you Matilda Mae

We love you Rainbow Baby Bea

Stay with us precious one

Please stay