My Bleeding Heart

I am forgetting you

Memories escape

I look at your picture

But all I see is Bea

I thought I would resent her

For stealing you from me

But it is just the way of things

She is Bea to me

But in her smiles and laughter

She is showing me who you would have been

A part of her is you

You two are mixed together in my head

And in my heart

I know that she is not you

I know that we have lost you

But through Bea we are finding you

Over and over again

I thought I would always remember

The smell of you

Your touch

The weight of you

I wrote it all down

What I must not forget

at 5 months bea tilda

But I struggle now to remember you

I talk about you all the time

Say your name over and over again

I am determined you will not be forgotten

Yet I am forgetting you

Perhaps we had Bea too soon?

She is stealing all your memories

All our remembrances of you

My bleeding heart

Leaking love for you

Filled with fear

That we will forget

That we will remember you wrong

Muddled with another

When you are you

And she is she

I will not allow us

Me

To forget you

I love you

I miss you

Yet I cannot remember you

I hate myself

My incapability

Of holding on to you

I hate that time and life stand between us

Blurring what was and what is and will be

daisy chain tilda

As I stood at your river

I cried with your Daddy

And admitted

I cannot remember her

I try to remember

I stare at her picture

But all I see is Bea

Help me?

raising rainbow big

10 thoughts on “My Bleeding Heart

  1. Aww Jenny, my heart goes out to you. She will never be forgotten, you’re not forgetting her… her memory will always live on, and part of her does live on in Bea, she looks so much like her big sister in the sky. Your heart is just healing a little… that’s a good thing… Matilda Mae will never be forgotten but Bea is just doing her job… she is a bringer of hope and yours is slowly being restored. The way you remember Matilda is beautiful… her memory will never be forgotten

  2. Oh jennie. I do not know what to say or what to do to make it better. I cannot tell you what you must do. You haven’t forgotten Her. You can’t. How could you? She is part of you, your daily life. Your family. Bea is Bea and you love her for who she is, just as Esther is Esther and William is William. And matilda is matilda. Don’t hate yourself for loving them so x x x x

  3. You’ll never forget Matilda Mae, Jennie, just as I’ll never forget Hugo, no matter how many other children you or I have. I don’t have a rainbow (yet) but there are times I think I’ve forgotten Hugo – what he looked like, felt like, smelled like. It really upsets me. I haven’t forgotten Hugo of course – it’s my brain, grief playing cruel tricks. When this happens I try to find a quiet moment to sit and remember how Hugo felt when we cuddled. It comes straight back. Try to be kind to yourself Jennie. Much love xxxx

  4. I have a different perspective. I think that remembering and not forgetting are two entirely different concepts in this case. I think that we do forget things about our babies as time passes. I cannot pretend to be in your place Jennie, but, I cannot remember my boys as babies, how they smelled, how they felt. I remember certain things, things that stand out, but not the everyday stuff. I don’t remember the smiles, the cuddles. I remember the stories we weave about their early days (like leaking nappies all over elderly aunties), I remember not being able to hold the eldest because he was too heavy and I was too weak, but I don’t remember the smell of him.
    I look at photos and sometimes something comes back, but not often. It is like when they grow up and go through toddler stage, we don’t remember what all the tantrums were about, we may remember what perhaps a really big one was sparked by. My children are adults now. I can remember more of their teens, but even that is fading.
    My point is this (I think), that we protect ourselves somewhat in loss. I cannot remember my Dad, some smells (Hamlet cigars) take me right back, but I will never forget him. Just as you and David, Esther, William and those who met Matilda Mae will never forget her. Those of us who never met her will also know of her, and will be told stories of her short time with you. Bea is, to me, completely different to Matilda. To me, she looks different and she will grow differently. Do you compare her to Esther at this age? Are there similarities to how her personality developed?
    As always, I have rambled a bit, but Jennie, you will never ever forget Matilda, she is in your heart, your soul.
    Much love.

  5. Memory is a funny thing, Jennie. When you try to grasp hold of it and pin it down, it will slip away from you and evade you. The more you try to sit down and MAKE yourself remember a smell or a sound or a face, the more it will slip just out of your reach. Stop doing this to yourself. Matilda is your child – always will be. You will never forget her – that is a given. Stop trying to chase the specifics around the corners of your mind. Let yourself relax in the knowledge that all of your time together happened, and it can never be changed. Sometimes, when you are least expecting it, a smell or a moment will spark a huge memory of her, and it will make you happy and break your heart at the same time – but it won’t happen when you are looking for it.

  6. oh Jennie, I don’t know what to say. My heart goes out to you – but I know that Matilda Mae will never be forgotten. She is a part of you – she always will be. Much love xxx

  7. Jennie I have nothing wise to add to what Suzanne, Leigh and others have said but I love you so much and I am longing for you to be able stop being so hard on yourself. I know what a battle that is because I am fighting it too. Don’t hate yourself Jennie. You are so loved and so precious. And your love for Tilda is completely unshakable, the same as your love for all your children. I’m so sorry you are hurting. Sending you hugs and wishing you strength and rest and peace xxxxx

  8. Just wanted to say a big Happy Birthday and floaty kisses to Matilda Mae. Its not exactly the same but in my heart I get very confused between Clover and Loveday. Clover was the baby I carried and her due date was 25 July, but she was still born. Loveday was carried by our surrogate and her due date was 25 July exactly a year later. Even now I have remind myself that it was Clover that kicked inside me not Loveday and my pregnancy was not hers. Because I induce breastfeeding for Loveday it makes it even more of a mind blower. I am sure oneday when I am old they will both blend into one. And there are days when Loveday is being awful when I wonder if Clover would be that naughty/cruel etc 🙁 I don’t have an answer, just a hug and for you to know the confusion/guilt and panic happens to me too. Hugs xxxx

  9. Bea will help heal your heart, but she is unique…she is a blessing…soon she won’t remind you of Matilda Mae as much as she will no longer be a baby…she will grow and grow beyond…to be a toddler…a little girl…a teenager…a young lady…a woman…you will always get glimpses of how Matilda Mae may have been…but Bea is not a shadow of Matilda, nor necessarily a reflection, she is herself…unique…but as Matilda Mae”s sister there will always be something there which will remind you of Matilda Mae and you should cherish those moments without guilt, don’t over analyse…just hold them lightly like you would a butterfly… you are an amazing mummy because you are their mummy….your feelings of guilt are in you your eyes so you must dismiss those thoughts as they are untruths…in reality, in their eyes and William’s & Esther’s…you are just the BEST mummy in ‘the whole wide world’ … because simply you are their mummy … that is all that matters.

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