I feel like I am drowning
I feel like my lungs are starved of air
My blood lacking the oxygen it so desperately needs to survive
I can feel myself spiralling out of control
Self destruction mode
Full throttle
I don’t want the world to hate me
Yet I seem intent on giving it a try
I hate my life
I know there are amazing things and people in it
I know people round the world have tougher times than me
But right now
In this moment
I am crying out for help
Constantly
And no one seems to hear me
David quite rightly says
It is my fault
It is how I look at things
Only I can make it right
But I am not sure I know how anymore
I would just
For once
Like something to go right for us
Something to run smoothly
Why does everything have to be so hard?
I feel like I am always fighting
Just for everything to be okay
Just to keep my head above the water
I feel like no matter how hard I try
Nothing is ever going to be more than just okay ever again
I am a sad angry negative person
And I hate it
This is not who I want to be
I feel cornered
Crushed
Broken
And every time I try
I feel like I am shoved back harder and further than before
I do truly wonder
If my little family would be far better off without me
And I should just curl up and cry
And let the powerful curse on me win
I don’t want to fight anymore
I wish I could remember what it feels like to smile
Really smile
I wish I could laugh and play
Without pangs of guilt stabbing my heart
I wish I could be what my children need
But I really don’t know if I can
I really don’t know if I can
I am tired and tiring
Lost and losing
Wrapped in grappling with negativity and grief
Done
photo by Matt Lathan
I don’t know if this will help but after my little boy was born I had PND and I told my mum that I wasn’t good enough for my little boy and he needed to be adopted so that someone else could look after him much better than I could. My mum said to me you are the only person who can ever be his mummy no one else can take that place no matter what. There is no world where your children would be better off without you please don’t ever think that. Every time I read your posts I wish there was more I could do I wish I could be the friend that gives you the things I have never met you and I don’t suppose I ever will but please now that there are so many people in the world who know you are broken and are amazed every day with what you do with your amazing children.
Jennie, look at what you have achieved for your children, you are being the only mummy they need. None of us are perfect, and many of us feel the same guilt. I feel every day that I let my children down, it’s taken me a very very long time to understand that so many people feel the very same thing. We all lurch from moment to moment without any real clear plan that what we are doing is the right thing. We do all that we can, and that’s ok. Claire.
Hi Jenny, you are so so important to your children – nobody is perfect – I know that I too fall short of my own standards most days, and it is hard to feel so inadequate. But you can get through this. Thinking of you x
Jennie, so much of what you say is familiar. My psychologist got me to personify my grief – I described it as a malevolent force on my back, its claws digging in to my skin. I constantly fight with it, which saps energy and diverts my focus from more positive things, meaning I can get caught in a vortex of negativity. The analogy can be a useful way of understanding why grief is so exhausting, why simple things seem so hard to do. You are doing all you can. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no instruction manual for dealing with the deaths of our children. Sometimes we need to acknowledge that simply surviving is an achievement. I don’t have any answers unfortunately but just wanted to say I get it, and that I’m sending you love and strength. Xxx
“David quite rightly says
It is my fault”
WRONG!!!!!!
Please do not think that…that is pressure you don’t need and is categorically untrue. You have been through more than probably at least 98% if not more of your online readers and offline ‘circle’ of friends/family/acquaintances have – you are human, you have a BIG heart, you care – it is natural/normal for you to feel as you do after the loss of your beautiful baby girl, on top of the struggles you had to start your family.
It is not your fault to feel as you do….you need help to make it right … We were not designed to cope with the type of loss you have as if it was water off a duck’s back … It is impossible not to crumble…
Baby Tilda is at peace right now, I hope I don’t speak out of place, but from what you have said about her, she would want her Mummy to continue living for her and making her legacy a spectacular one … She would want you to be strong and there for her beloved siblings and to be having fun with them and not feel guilty … She would want you to get to that place again where you can smile again … She would want you to do whatever it takes to cope and be there for Esther, William & Bea now and always … Thinking they would be better off without you is not her or you speaking … It is depression speaking…
My heart goes out to you, please take the time out you need to have the space to begin the healing process and get help to get through this … Eliminate anything aside to looking after yourself and your family that causes you any sense of stress/pressure until you feel stronger … Children just need to be loved, fed and warm…they will turn out to be brilliant kids even if you don’t fill their time with activities all day, if that creates too much pressure right now – just basic fun and cuddles will suffice until you feel strong again – Also the online and offline world can wait if it is too much pressure … just focus on you, David & the children… A loss like you have experienced is not something that can be ‘fixed’, but you can find a way to continue to live through it and still find joy in your life, in time ….Maybe speak to a bereavement counsellor even if you don’t feel like it… Force yourself to seek help from the right channels … maybe find someone to pray with (there is a lady called Susanna Sanlon who is part of St. Marks Church Tunbridge Wells, her husband is the vicar there and they ran a respite weekend last year for people who have sadly lost a child after their own tragic experiences – this is her story here: http://bit.ly/1GxvC7w )
Sorry again if I speak out of place…you are so gifted, seem such a beautiful spirited person … Your children are so precious and definitely would not be better of without their precious Mummy … I will be praying for you …
But you do survive, every day. Don’t think of all the numbered days lined up before you, think of just today. You will get through today, leave worrying about tomorrow for tomorrow. Your children could never be better off without you, you are the only mummy they’ll ever have and they will love you for that forever. Have faith in yourself, you’re doing a great job xxx
I don’t know if you’ve had counselling in the past, but even if you had, maybe you would benefit from some now – perhaps you’re at a different place to the one you were in when you had it before..?
I’ve avoided all such things my whole life, but when I hit rock bottom I knew I had to have help or I wouldn’t get through. The difference it’s making in my life is immeasurable – helping me to manage those negative patterns of thought and more. Help is there when you need it; it might really help you, which will help your family…? Be kind to you.
I have idea how you feel, I have no idea how to help you but have you seen this ? …the baby boy bakery ….. another tragic story – like you they are trying to find a way out of the grief ….maybe it/they can help….http://www.babyboybakery.com/
Jenni has anyone suggested that you might have PTSD? There are lots of different ways of helping that are more effective than standard talking counselling. xx
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