I love Bea
I adore her
She is my Rainbow Baby
A promise of happiness
But she is a baby
A 6 month old baby
Who has slept every night of her 6 months
In my arms
Every nap she has taken on me
She has a range of places to sleep
But only ever does so on me
Sometimes Daddy
But often once she is asleep
She is passed to me
I am with Bea all day every day
My choice I know
I cannot have it any other way
No one understands
No one
Not even those closest to me
How can they understand?
I cannot put my baby down
I cannot put her down
I cannot put my baby down because she might die
But like any mother
I get tired
I get frustrated
And I need time
When will I learn
To take the time?
Tonight I promised myself two hours for me
To write, to chat to friends online
To read and plan and plot play for Esther and William
I knew that I would have Bea in my arms
But I had hoped she would be asleep
As most evenings she is
But of course because I had planned this time for me
Bea is awake
And I have tried to play with her and be with her
Hold her and amuse her
But this is supposed to be my time
And the tension and frustration builds inside of me
Just like in a mother who has not had a baby die
And my head is raging
And my heart is breaking
Because I cannot be like a normal mummy anymore
I can never be a mummy who has not had a baby die
I can never be naive or innocent
I can never be carefree
And now this is coursing through me
Crushing the breath out of me
As the horror and panic and pain build inside
I can never be free
I have taken Bea and thrust her on her Daddy
Because I need that time
Just a slice of time
A tiny little sliver for me
I need some time for me
But I cannot put my baby down
I cannot put my baby down
I cannot put my baby down
Because she might die
Jenny, you are doing your best, I hope you manage to get some more me time, you will feel so much better for it xx
Bea is glorious x
I hope in time you find your me time , but when you do it is bit a short time and they are still all your beautiful babies.
Oh Jenny, I don’t really know what to say other than I can only begin to imagine the awful panic that you must go through and it must be so difficult to contend with. I’m sorry I can’t say something more eloquent but hoping you get some reprieve from these feelings and some time and space to relax xxx
There is much I cannot understand but I do try to empathise. The frustration at having no time I do get, and it is so so hard. I hope over time you will be able to find a way to have some time for you x x x
I do not understand what it is like to lose a child but i imagine in the same situation i would probably be the same and not want to put my baby down. Bea is a beautiful gorgeous baby who you clearly adore, but i think every mum deserves a little break now and then and i hope as times goes on you manage to get some xx
It’s hard to understand everything, but I can understand these general thoughts. Different situation, so different thoughts… Mine changed over time, there were many different things that started I must or I can’t and ended because she might die. So many things. I can’t let her cry, I can’t hold her, I must hold her, I must photograph x, y, z because she might die. I don’t know when they got better and less upsetting. I think they were much better by the time I went back to work, I remember being surprised that I’d actually enjoyed my time with her for the first time, prior to that I was just terrified most of the time. Not that I could find the words to tell anyone. Keep writing Jennie. I hope that one day your heart finds some peace, and the strength to allow a little more time for mummy.
I know it’s not the same, I couldn’t imagine loosing a baby, and the pain that brings. I can’t put my baby down either, its a day to day struggle for me too. I’m scared to leave her with anyone else, scared to put her down encase something happens or I miss something. Emily was born not breathing, luckily they brought her back, but i missed the first hour of her life which has made me so attached and the way i am today. I hope you find with time that it will get easier. Always here if you need a chat, your such a inspiring lady. You will get there.
Steph | http://www.raisingemily.net
I cannot imagine what you are going through, I know I did feel some anxiety like this, but nothing to this level with Boo, but I hope you get some time for you soon.
A very moving and emotional poem, I can only imagine the fear you must feel.
Jennie, you need to do what feels right. If it is to have Bea be held all the while then go with that feeling. Eek out the time for You when David is able to step in for an hour or so in the evenings. Agree on specific times or days. (Men tend to be more structured and appreciate that sort of warning.)
I remember having my oldest & after having a rather traumatic delivery I refused to let her sleep on her own. I was exhausted. In the first week or so, I’d make OH stay up with her while I caught a wink, that was the only way I could sleep…. and that was me without loosing a child!