Over The Sea To Sky

C.S. Lewis
Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.

bubbles

Two years of life

Two years of death

Two years of treading water

Paddling hard to stay afloat

Getting nowhere

Doing all we can

To save ourselves from drowning

It has taken every ounce of my energy

To stay alive these past 24 months

And not follow our daughter over the sea to the sky

I have almost lost friends and family along the way

Being so consumed in my own hatred, anger and grief

Unable to share in the joy of others

I have had to be selfish to survive

I am bitter and twisted

And it is going to take time for the ice in my heart to thaw

Matilda Mae has been gone two years

Dead so much longer than she ever was alive

And it breaks my heart that she is gone

I miss her so much

All she was and all she would have become

I miss my daughter

But I do not want to drown

I do not want to spend all my energy

To be only just keeping my head above the water

I need to live

For my husband and my children

And in honour of Tilda’s memory

And I know I keep saying it

I keep repeating it

It is easy to say it

To write it

It is not easy to do

It hurts

A LOT

To live in a world without my baby in it

It hurts so much to live my life without her

To grow our family without her

But I know I have to

starlight

For Esther

Who needs her mummy’s full attention

Her cuddles and her smiles

For William

Who needs his mummy to watch him play

No more laters, no more excuses

No more almost watching

But watching him play

For Bea

Who needs the space and freedom to grow

Who needs to be a baby with a life of her own

It is not about me

It is not about Tilda and me

It is about the people who need more of me

Than for two years I have been able to give

I am not promising that it is going to be easy

I am not promising that it is going to happen quick

I can only promise that I am really and truly going to try

I am putting my buoyancy aids on

I am going to learn over again

How to swim

I am not going to drown

I am not going to die

I am going to live

I am not going to stop grieving

I am not going to forget

I am going to honour her in all I do

And make her proud

2015-02-02 12.34.05

This is the future for Tilda and me

For Bea and me

For Esther and me

For William and me

David and me

She will always be in all we do

But we are alive

We are going to make a life

Because our family needs that

As a family we need to know that it is okay to be alive

It is okay for us to live even though Tilda had died

It is important for us to live

To not take life in vain

In honour and memory of our beautiful girl

We must choose to live

There can be bubbles and rainbows and stars

We can write her name in the sand

She will be part of all that we do

But we must live

For Tilda

We must live

candles

WS Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

10 thoughts on “Over The Sea To Sky

  1. Jennie, words can’t begin to express just how moving this post is. I have thought about you so much these past two years, my son was born as Tilda went to the stars and a part of me felt bad feeling so happy when you were in so much pain. I am a firm believer in the afterlife and I am sure that Tilda is watching over you and sent Bea to you to bring you love and help you all smile again xxxx

  2. I have no words…I’m not going to tell you this is beautiful because having your daughter would be a far greater beauty! Sending you hugs from one grieving mother to another, one who knows the exhaustion of treading water every day, one that wishes you could have one more cuddle, one more day. I hope you succeed in all you desire this coming year and that you can be who you want to be, I hope your family and friends continue to be patient and support you and even carry you at those times you almost sink! xx

  3. As you start your journey and learn to swim again,
    As you put on your buoyancy aids,
    As your family and friends watch from the side of the pool and in the water
    As your friends and family welcome you into the water and hold your hands
    As we all help you re-learn to float, re-learn the strokes, stop you from going underwater,
    As your family watches proudly as your strokes become stronger and you can go longer distances both on top of the water and underwater, knowing that you can and will re-surface and breathe again,
    We all say, well done, for putting your toes into the pool, for getting wet, for trusting that you can do it, because you are strong, and positive and able.

  4. You can do it Jennie, you’ve been thinking it, you are now saying it out loud on your blog, keep saying it, keep thinking it and I know you can do it. We are all here for you xx

  5. Jennie, you are going through a pain that nobody else can understand or imagine unless they have been there. But, I have to tell you that I believe in reincarnation. And that bodies are just vessels for souls to float in and out of. I truly believe that Matilda has come back again in the form of your little one; she never really left you – and in that you have to find peace and happiness. God bless you. x

  6. Jennie – this post has left me with a lump in my throat. Doggy paddle first, just keeping your head above water and then slowly your strokes will get stronger. I don’t know if you’ve seen this quote before from ‘The Little Prince’ but it made me think of Tilda. “You – you alone will have the stars as no one else has them… In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You – only you will have stars that can laugh.”
    xx

  7. Jennie, keep repeating as often as you need! You will start to believe more and more: that it is possible, that you can do it without loving Tilda less, missing her less. You will break that ice and expand the love you have to give and get more to those who need you and who you need.
    Just keep repeating it and you will find a way to swim!

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