One Week

It is not that I see it happening

It is not that I relive the night

But I feel it

I feel that night

It creeps up on me through the day

And as night falls

The icy grip of fear and terror takes hold

I look at Bea

Almost 6 months old but exactly as Tilda was at 9

Exactly as Tilda was when she died

Bea is never long out of my sight

Never really long out of my arms

And this week

For this one week

I am hating putting her down

David is exhausted from his week away

Craving bed and sleep

I am too scared to close my eyes

And when I do and I wake

Horror meets my eyes

A white baby

Tinged with blue

I blink and shake and look again

And there is Bea

As she should be

Pink and chubby

Breathing

Snuffling

As alive as alive can be

My heart races

Tears fall

Any hope of sleep is gone

Bea stirs

Searches the dark for comfort and milk

Her love

Her need

Her touch

Calms my heart

And then the guilt rages

For this healthy living baby

When I am missing our baby that died

Twists and turns and stabs of emotion

The wounds of loss and grief run deep

This week

This one week

The wounds are open

Weeping

Infected and sore

The hurt is hurting all over again

Burning

Stinging

The anger is bubbling

Fire of fear burning

A river of rage bursting its banks

As this week

This one week

I feel it all again

Wishing for just one more moment

Wishing for one last cuddle and open mouthed kiss

Wishing I had had my chance to say goodbye

Wishing that two years on we might at least have an answer

As to why and how our baby died

This week

This one week

Snatching at memories

Searching for smells long gone

It has been two years

She has been dead far longer than she was alive

Losing her is killing me

Has broken us

The damage and destruction is still going on

Not just this week

Or that week

No one week

But all weeks on and on

Our baby is missing

Dead

Cremated

Gone

This week

This one week

We are reminded

How much we have lost

How much we still stand to lose

How far we have come

How we hate ourselves for coming

This week

This one week

Bears the pain and fear and anger of all the other weeks

As we relive, recount, remember the one week when she died

The one week

That held the one night

She died

matilda mae

9 thoughts on “One Week

  1. I just can’t imagine what you went through, what you saw, how that feels. I can imagine re-living it, I know what that is like. I have nothing I can say to you other than I’m so, so sorry x

  2. This must be such a hard time for you and your family. I wish I had more words to say but I know that any of my words cannot help you very much at all. So I’ll just say that I am so sorry that you are having to cope with these most difficult of feelings and I send you all my best wishes xx

  3. No-one can know how it really feels to go through what you have been through and are still going through. Even the families who have experienced cot death. No-one can know how it feels to live like you do, Jennie. No-one. I can’t even begin to imagine the horror of it all. But one thing I do know is that you are the most amazing and inspiring woman I know. You were then and you still are now.
    I may be quiet from time to time but I never stop thinking about you almost every day and remembering Matilda – even though I never got to meet her. I am always here. I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. Doesn’t seem possible.
    I know I can’t say anything to comfort you and I’m rambling a bit but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts more than ever this week.
    Sending you and David lots of love xx

  4. how can it be his time again? Another year. And so much has changed and yet nothing has changed in that time. I still think of you all an still wish for a different path for you. Lots of love x x x

    • I can only imagine what you are going through. Yet I do understand the fear and the anger. I know I would be feeling the same. I send you prayers and I stand with you in love!
      Patricia

  5. Wishing you strength and comfort for this week. It still pulls my heart strings reading your posts like this, I just cannot imagine the pain and anguish you must be going through. Will be thinking of you xx

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