It is not that I see it happening
It is not that I relive the night
But I feel it
I feel that night
It creeps up on me through the day
And as night falls
The icy grip of fear and terror takes hold
I look at Bea
Almost 6 months old but exactly as Tilda was at 9
Exactly as Tilda was when she died
Bea is never long out of my sight
Never really long out of my arms
And this week
For this one week
I am hating putting her down
David is exhausted from his week away
Craving bed and sleep
I am too scared to close my eyes
And when I do and I wake
Horror meets my eyes
A white baby
Tinged with blue
I blink and shake and look again
And there is Bea
As she should be
Pink and chubby
Breathing
Snuffling
As alive as alive can be
My heart races
Tears fall
Any hope of sleep is gone
Bea stirs
Searches the dark for comfort and milk
Her love
Her need
Her touch
Calms my heart
And then the guilt rages
For this healthy living baby
When I am missing our baby that died
Twists and turns and stabs of emotion
The wounds of loss and grief run deep
This week
This one week
The wounds are open
Weeping
Infected and sore
The hurt is hurting all over again
Burning
Stinging
The anger is bubbling
Fire of fear burning
A river of rage bursting its banks
As this week
This one week
I feel it all again
Wishing for just one more moment
Wishing for one last cuddle and open mouthed kiss
Wishing I had had my chance to say goodbye
Wishing that two years on we might at least have an answer
As to why and how our baby died
This week
This one week
Snatching at memories
Searching for smells long gone
It has been two years
She has been dead far longer than she was alive
Losing her is killing me
Has broken us
The damage and destruction is still going on
Not just this week
Or that week
No one week
But all weeks on and on
Our baby is missing
Dead
Cremated
Gone
This week
This one week
We are reminded
How much we have lost
How much we still stand to lose
How far we have come
How we hate ourselves for coming
This week
This one week
Bears the pain and fear and anger of all the other weeks
As we relive, recount, remember the one week when she died
The one week
That held the one night
She died
I just can’t imagine what you went through, what you saw, how that feels. I can imagine re-living it, I know what that is like. I have nothing I can say to you other than I’m so, so sorry x
This must be such a hard time for you and your family. I wish I had more words to say but I know that any of my words cannot help you very much at all. So I’ll just say that I am so sorry that you are having to cope with these most difficult of feelings and I send you all my best wishes xx
Hold Bea for as long as you need to; we all hope she will bring you some sort of comfort, and that you can see that she and the others are your reason to live and to not give up xx
Oh hun, I am so sorry. Sending you my thoughts and wishes. xx
No-one can know how it really feels to go through what you have been through and are still going through. Even the families who have experienced cot death. No-one can know how it feels to live like you do, Jennie. No-one. I can’t even begin to imagine the horror of it all. But one thing I do know is that you are the most amazing and inspiring woman I know. You were then and you still are now.
I may be quiet from time to time but I never stop thinking about you almost every day and remembering Matilda – even though I never got to meet her. I am always here. I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. Doesn’t seem possible.
I know I can’t say anything to comfort you and I’m rambling a bit but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts more than ever this week.
Sending you and David lots of love xx
how can it be his time again? Another year. And so much has changed and yet nothing has changed in that time. I still think of you all an still wish for a different path for you. Lots of love x x x
I can only imagine what you are going through. Yet I do understand the fear and the anger. I know I would be feeling the same. I send you prayers and I stand with you in love!
Patricia
Wishing you strength and comfort for this week. It still pulls my heart strings reading your posts like this, I just cannot imagine the pain and anguish you must be going through. Will be thinking of you xx
Yet again so much of what you say hits hard with me, I sit here in tears yet again. Hopefully our little boy will provide some answers to questions for ‘cot death’ families (hate that term, it’s meaningless, they just don’t know why!).
http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/dexters-light-brighten-future-victims-8526105
I gave him the faulty gene, I have it too, I’m still here and he has gone, how is that fair? x