According to my Google calendar
Today is the day
Today is the day that Toddler Tilda would have started preschool
The plan was for her to go to the same preschool that Esther and William went to
And for a similar amount of time
Tilda should be 32 months old now
We would have hopefully had our fourth baby here
Tilda would have gone to preschool
Two afternoons a week
To give me some time with the baby
As Esther and William did
To give me special times with her
I remember planning the date and putting it in my diary
I remember making the plan
That is the kind of person I am
A planner
A list maker
A diary keeper
When David and I were going through IVF
With every new cycle I planned and plotted the dates
When the egg collection would be
When the embryos would be placed
When the two week wait would be
When I could take the very first test
When I would be 12 weeks, 20, term
How the dates would be different if the cycle gave us twins!
I am a mummy who likes to make lists
Who likes to plot and plan before her babies are even born
I had my heart ripped apart
By four failed cycles of IVf
Before our Esther and William dream came true
Even then the dates were not right
The marks on my calendar mocked me
When our babies were born too soon
When I fell for Tilda
It seemed natural to plot and plan her life
Our miracle baby
Conceived naturally
Growing perfectly
Delivered easily
What could possibly go wrong?
…
According to my Google calendar
Today is the day
Today is the day that Toddler Tilda would have started preschool
My Google calendar also still says for May 2nd this year
Tilda is 3
No was
Is
I cannot change the word
On 5th September 2016
My Google calendar says
Tilda’s first day at school
I remember writing the date in
I remember thinking had we successfully delayed Esther and William a year
They would have all been in the same class
Every day on the playground
I look at all the children who will be starting school
In September 2016
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
That I am not holding hands
With Toddler Tilda
And telling her that soon it will be her turn
Almost two years ago my baby died
Also that day my toddler died
My preschooler
My school girl
My Rainbow
My Brownie
My Girl Guide
My university graduate
My beautiful bride
My friend
The mother of my grandchildren
On the 2nd February 2013
My baby died
My daughter died
Along with everything she would have ever been
All she would have given me
All she might have taken away
All she may have wanted or needed and known
I cannot take the dates from my diary
They are her dates
They will always be her dates
And so mine
My beautiful beautiful baby girl
Who should have started preschool today
Beautiful baby Tilda. She would have loved preschool. I am so sorry.
So sad and heartbreaking reading this. All the things that could have been. Life is a strange journey isn’t it, we’ll never understand why terrible things like this happen. Big hugs xxx
I know these little reminders of what should have been must be so painful, but also reminders that she is still here in your heart and in our minds too. So so unfair that she isn’t here to do all the wonderful things you had planned for her x x x
When I first fell pregnant I excitedly put my weeks and due date all in my diary. When I miscarried, it broke my heart to have to scribble them all out. It was so painful that this time round I didn’t allow myself to write anything in my diary except upcoming hospital or midwife appointments. It wasn’t until 20 weeks that I started writing the weeks in and put my due date in. I’m sorry for the pain this reminder has given you Jennie. Lots of love as always xxxxxx
Through such sadness you always write such beautiful posts. I cannot even imagine but every time I go and check on my sleeping boy, I think of baby Tilda. She was a little bit older than him and your story always made me extra extra careful with my baby boy. Tilda lives on through us all. When I go upstairs in a moment and check that Zach is fine, it’s her that I’ll be thinking of. Have no doubt that wherever she is flying right now, she is having fun like she would be at pre school. Big hugs to you mumma xx
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These dates are such cruel reminders of what should be.
Hugs to you Jennie. x
As always I send you virtual thoughts, hugs and prayers.
It must have been a tough day for you – first day at preschool is always such an emotional milestone, its sad to think Tilda missed hers – I wonder if there was an equivilant milestone in heaven for her today.
Emma xx